When your kid's friendship turns obsessive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of me and my best friend back in middle school/high school. We were "best friends forever" from the moment we met and wanted to spend all our time together (and were on the phone when we weren't together!) My parents disliked her and felt she was a bad influence on me. Little did they know, I was actually the real bad influence (little big of a rebellious kid, nothing too crazy). I didn't encourage her to lie, but I did encourage her to disobey quite a bit and often... They even forbid me to talk to her for a while. Nothing worked. It's now several decades later and she and I are still close. I think you need to get to know this girl, and if you don't see red flags of a toxic/destructive friendship, set boundaries and expectations for your own child's behavior and hold her to it. Teenagers kinda suck - not looking forward to that stage with my kids...

I agree that OP really doesn't know who is the "bad" influence here. Teenagers change a lot. Do think your innocent 10 year old is your naïve 13 year old. Most kids naturally want to test boundaries at this age. Don't put it on the other child. But its normal.

[Anonymous]

Why was your daughter able to look at her phone during dinner? You guys always go on and on about how important family dinners are, but then let your kids have their phones or iPads at the table. What's the point?

1. Phones may not be at the table.
2. Teenagers may not drive you anywhere.
3. Chores and homework must be done before going to have fun.

If you stick to those you'll have no problem.

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts, op. Keep a close eye and stick to your guns and hope this friendship cools off after school starts.

[Anonymous]

5 paragraphs about a 12 year old's social life. When it isn't a crisis.
Mom ~ I think you are obsessing - when all you need IS TO SAY NO, and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sounds obsessive. It sounds like besties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sounds obsessive. It sounds like besties.

Besties, yes, but it also sounds like Larla doesn't have a parent setting many boundaries. Which may be because they are checked out, or it may be because Larla is their youngest (or younger than the teen).

OP, I had a friend my mom didn't like and she got annoyed by us trying to spend time together. My friend's mom was checked out (too busy going on dates) and we did have a lot more freedom at her house (and there were boys and alcohol involved at times when we were 15). But she was also a good friend who cared for me. Just hold firm to your rules but maybe also see if Larla can spend more time at your house? Or maybe you could do something with them to try to feel more comfortable about Larla (like take them for manicures...I have boys, I have no ideas what girls do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sounds obsessive. It sounds like besties.

Besties, yes, but it also sounds like Larla doesn't have a parent setting many boundaries. Which may be because they are checked out, or it may be because Larla is their youngest (or younger than the teen).

OP, I had a friend my mom didn't like and she got annoyed by us trying to spend time together. My friend's mom was checked out (too busy going on dates) and we did have a lot more freedom at her house (and there were boys and alcohol involved at times when we were 15). But she was also a good friend who cared for me. Just hold firm to your rules but maybe also see if Larla can spend more time at your house? Or maybe you could do something with them to try to feel more comfortable about Larla (like take them for manicures...I have boys, I have no ideas what girls do).

PP again. Also, my friend was lonely. She was looking for friendships to fill the place where her mom should have been. Don't know if that is true for Larla, but just a thought.

[Anonymous]

You are totally overreacting.

It sounds like your biggest problem is that you are freaking out that your family is no longer the center of your DD's world and she wants to be with her friend more than with you all. You are losing your complete control. Well your feelings are fairly normal and so are hers. Let go a bit more. Forbidden fruit is sweeter. Give her more room and the friendship will likely burn out. But also know that the desire to be with people she chooses over the ones given to her (e.g. Family) is very very normal. And I doubt the friend is the only one encouraging what you are terming bad behavior. It's at least 50-50.

[Anonymous]

It would bug me too, especially if my child didn't use to behave like this: I would naturally tend toward blaming the other child, when actually it might not be her at all, but mine!

1. Keep enforcing your rules.

2. TALK to your child, when she's happy, about friendships getting in the way of safety. Go over what safety means: curfew, teen driving, smoking, drugs, alcohol, sexting, boys, learning to say no. Tell her she can call you ANY TIME if she gets into trouble, not questions asked.

3. Consider getting to know the other child and her parents better. As an introvert, that would be the last thing I'd want, but if this friendship really bugged me, that's what I would do. Learn enough to inform your future decisions regarding this child.

[Anonymous]

I think it bothers you bc you know that this is the first time that your DD is really putting her friends first over family and you. This is the first move toward the teen years. I don't think either are necessarily bad influences or obsessive. You have to work on adjusting your parenting techniques and it will be rocky as you both adjust to the this new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter able to look at her phone during dinner? You guys always go on and on about how important family dinners are, but then let your kids have their phones or iPads at the table. What's the point?

1. Phones may not be at the table.
2. Teenagers may not drive you anywhere.
3. Chores and homework must be done before going to have fun.

If you stick to those you'll have no problem.

Ha ha, you obviously don't have a teen (or are lucky and have one of the very few who listens to her parents without complaint).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl crush.

OP here. No, I actually don't think so.

NP, I don't think you understand what a girl crush is.

[Anonymous]

OP I have the exact same thing going on at my house.
I don't think you're overreacting.
My DD is 11 and has good friends that she spends days with, girls she has "double sleepovers" and it's not a problem. We love these kids and they love hanging at our house.
DD's behavior changes when she's with one girl and everyone in our family notices. Our older DD even comments about it "I don't think Larla is a good friend for sister. I don't like the way she acts around her."
It's like immediately everything becomes sneaky and my gut tells me to limit the time they spend together. We're "conveniently" busy, and why don't you sleep over at our house instead of hers?
I'm just keeping an eye on it. Checking the negative behavior, and making her keep her responsibilities. Also, my DD is involved in a sport thank God that takes up a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It would bug me too, especially if my child didn't use to behave like this: I would naturally tend toward blaming the other child, when actually it might not be her at all, but mine!

1. Keep enforcing your rules.

2. TALK to your child, when she's happy, about friendships getting in the way of safety. Go over what safety means: curfew, teen driving, smoking, drugs, alcohol, sexting, boys, learning to say no. Tell her she can call you ANY TIME if she gets into trouble, not questions asked.

3. Consider getting to know the other child and her parents better. As an introvert, that would be the last thing I'd want, but if this friendship really bugged me, that's what I would do. Learn enough to inform your future decisions regarding this child.

OP, new poster and mom of an older teenage girl here. This, above, is good advice.

I would add to this: When you talk to your DD about safety, don't connect the talk directly to friend Larla. If you approach it as, "This is what it means to stay safe with Larla," your DD will instantly get defensive as she will think you are saying Larla's not safe to be around. (Which in reality maybe you are thinking, but don't frame it like that for DD. She will shut down and not hear a word if it's put in terms of her time with Larla). PP is right to say, have any talks when DD is calm and things are good and I would say, when she is not silently peeved because she was just asked to do something with Larla and you said no.

I also agree that you need to get to know Larla and her family better. In the first place, I always want to know DD's friends and if they're close ones, I want to know the parents -- usually they turn out to be very nice people and I've made friends that way -- but even if Larla's folks are not your cup of tea and are not supervising her appropriately (and to me it seems they likely are not), then you still should let your DD see that you are interested in Larla and her parents too. Be sure that you offer invitations via your DD for her and Larla to do things together at your house and also things that will require a driver; in other words, you'll take them to do X or see Y and you're there on the fringes as well, so you get to see and hear them interact at least in the car together. Plus, your DD will see that you are not hating on Larla but giving DD and Larla opportunities to get together.

That means that when Larla wants to see DD on the spur of the moment, you can much more easily say, "Sorry, but this is family time/you have homework to do/you have summer camp starting early tomorrow, so not tonight. Remember, we're taking Larla to the movies on Saturday." And so on.

Be sure your DD has other activities over the summer that do not involve Larla. Is DD in a summer camp, or does she have any summer classes (for fun or otherwise) or...? Something interest-based so she is meeting kids who are interested in whatever she enjoys? Without making it about Larla, just be sure DD has regular, organized activity (or more than one ) that ensures she is meeting and interacting with peers other than Larla. This is not because you're anti-Larla but just because it's healthy for kids to have more than one place where they make friends and interact with peers. If Larla is in school with DD, please be sure that DD has activities or school clubs that are with other kids. Again, not because Larla's bad but because it's just good to have places other than school where a kid meets people and does activities on which they can all focus.

It is absolutely valid for you to have a rule that there are no parent-free visits at Larla's or any other kid's house. Enforce that the same with all friends, not just Larla. I would not let my DD at this age hang out without parents somewhere around. Be very clear about consequences if DD or any friend meets and parents are not at home; DD should phone you immediately for pickup and if she does not and you later find she lied about parents not being present, there should be serious consequences.

Nor should your DD have a phone at the dinner table. In fact, your whole family -- it cannot just be DD -- could go phone-free starting at dinnertime, for the rest of the evening. It IS doable even for a teenager, but everyone should put their phones in a basket in a place like near the front door, turned off. If a parent must have a phone on for work reasons at night, well, that's understandable, though I'd really hope you could all model for DD that no phones after dinner in summer is a family thing. Then be sure you have other things you are all doing. Kids will respond better to something like this if you all do it, adults included.

OP, don't forbid Larla as a friend (unless something dangerous, seriously rule-breaking or toxic happens, in which case you do have every right to say no more Larla). If you tell DD she cannot see Larla at all, Larla will become forbidden fruit and your DD may be so defensive about her and sympathetic toward her that she breaks rules to see her. And it's not there yet, anyway -- you're not describing anything that is toxic, just two teens with a pretty typical intense friendship and one without much supervision. Put yourself in a position to see Larla more yourself; invite her to do things so DD sees Larla is welcome; supervise; set rules and have talks with DD but don't make those all about Larla and their friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it bothers you bc you know that this is the first time that your DD is really putting her friends first over family and you. This is the first move toward the teen years. I don't think either are necessarily bad influences or obsessive. You have to work on adjusting your parenting techniques and it will be rocky as you both adjust to the this new normal.

+1. If it's not larla, it will be Karla and then darla. You need to just be consistent in setting the limits with your daughter. And also make sure that your daughter is not so desperate to make/keep friends that she will break family rules. She needs to have the self-confidence to say no, or there are bigger problems ahead.