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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
It would bug me too, especially if my child didn't use to behave like this: I would naturally tend toward blaming the other child, when actually it might not be her at all, but mine!

1. Keep enforcing your rules.

2. TALK to your child, when she's happy, about friendships getting in the way of safety. Go over what safety means: curfew, teen driving, smoking, drugs, alcohol, sexting, boys, learning to say no. Tell her she can call you ANY TIME if she gets into trouble, not questions asked.

3. Consider getting to know the other child and her parents better. As an introvert, that would be the last thing I'd want, but if this friendship really bugged me, that's what I would do. Learn enough to inform your future decisions regarding this child.
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OP, new poster and mom of an older teenage girl here. This, above, is good advice.

I would add to this: When you talk to your DD about safety, don't connect the talk directly to friend Larla. If you approach it as, "This is what it means to stay safe with Larla," your DD will instantly get defensive as she will think you are saying Larla's not safe to be around. (Which in reality maybe you are thinking, but don't frame it like that for DD. She will shut down and not hear a word if it's put in terms of her time with Larla). PP is right to say, have any talks when DD is calm and things are good and I would say, when she is not silently peeved because she was just asked to do something with Larla and you said no.

I also agree that you need to get to know Larla and her family better. In the first place, I always want to know DD's friends and if they're close ones, I want to know the parents -- usually they turn out to be very nice people and I've made friends that way -- but even if Larla's folks are not your cup of tea and are not supervising her appropriately (and to me it seems they likely are not), then you still should let your DD [i]see that you are interested [/i]in Larla and her parents too. Be sure that you offer invitations via your DD for her and Larla to do things together at your house and also things that will require a driver; in other words, you'll take them to do X or see Y and you're there on the fringes as well, so you get to see and hear them interact at least in the car together. Plus, your DD will see that you are not hating on Larla but giving DD and Larla opportunities to get together.

That means that when Larla wants to see DD on the spur of the moment, you can much more easily say, "Sorry, but this is family time/you have homework to do/you have summer camp starting early tomorrow, so not tonight. Remember, we're taking Larla to the movies on Saturday." And so on.

Be sure your DD has other activities over the summer that do not involve Larla. Is DD in a summer camp, or does she have any summer classes (for fun or otherwise) or...? Something interest-based so she is meeting kids who are interested in whatever she enjoys? Without making it about Larla, just be sure DD has regular, organized activity (or more than one ) that ensures she is meeting and interacting with peers other than Larla. This is not because you're anti-Larla but just because it's healthy for kids to have more than one place where they make friends and interact with peers. If Larla is in school with DD, please be sure that DD has activities or school clubs that are with other kids. Again, not because Larla's bad but because it's just good to have places other than school where a kid meets people and does activities on which they can all focus.

It is absolutely valid for you to have a rule that there are no parent-free visits at Larla's or any other kid's house. Enforce that the same with all friends, not just Larla. I would not let my DD at this age hang out without parents somewhere around. Be very clear about consequences if DD or any friend meets and parents are not at home; DD should phone you immediately for pickup and if she does not and you later find she lied about parents not being present, there should be serious consequences.

Nor should your DD have a phone at the dinner table. In fact, your whole family -- it cannot just be DD -- could go phone-free starting at dinnertime, for the rest of the evening. It IS doable even for a teenager, but everyone should put their phones in a basket in a place like near the front door, turned off. If a parent must have a phone on for work reasons at night, well, that's understandable, though I'd really hope you could all model for DD that no phones after dinner in summer is a family thing. Then be sure you have other things you are all doing. Kids will respond better to something like this if you all do it, adults included.

OP, don't forbid Larla as a friend (unless something dangerous, seriously rule-breaking or toxic happens, in which case you do have every right to say no more Larla). If you tell DD she cannot see Larla at all, Larla will become forbidden fruit and your DD may be so defensive about her and sympathetic toward her that she breaks rules to see her. And it's not there yet, anyway -- you're not describing anything that is toxic, just two teens with a pretty typical intense friendship and one without much supervision. Put yourself in a position to see Larla more yourself; invite her to do things so DD sees Larla is welcome; supervise; set rules and have talks with DD but don't make those all about Larla and their friendship.

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