When your kid's friendship turns obsessive

[Anonymous]

DD, 12, has always been a social butterfly. She's a good kid --a little scattered but kind (although lately taking on more of a teen edge), a good student, outgoing and extroverted. Etc.

For the last year or so, she's had a friend "Larla." Larla just seems like a different relationship than she's ever had with other kids, and my DD behaves differently with/around her. And I cannot put my finger on what's bothering me about the relationship, but it just seems like everything with Larla is the start of an ordeal. I'll admit it: I don't particularly like Larla, which I trace to the fact that she got caught encouraging my DD to be dishonest with me early on (basically, we don't allow teens to drive our children and Larla told DD to lie to us and say her mother was going to drive us when in fact it was an older sister). It also seems like there's a lot of "give an inch, take a mile" with Larla. So, it starts with "can I go to the shopping center after school" which becomes "can I go to Larla's house" which becomes "can I eat dinner here" which becomes "can I sleep over." A certain amount of that "free flow" I'm OK with, but it started to get to the point where it was constant and DD literally wasn't even checking in between stops, or angling for the next thing constantly.

So last week Larla was on vacation and when returned, texted DD while we were having a family dinner and told her to go out to our trampoline because -- surprise!, Larla showed up at our house uninvited. Apparently had been lingering outside for 10-15 minutes. But DD didn't tell us, instead starting angling to go "meet" Larla at a playground somewhere. Like, immediately. No, we told her -- we're having dinner. Maybe later. we said -- we're having dinner now. Which prompted pouting and agitation and finally an admission that Larla was outside. So, we sent her home.

This morning, they were both at a sleepover for another child. DD comes home and asks if she can go to Larla's before another sleepover there tonight (back to back birthdays). I said, sure, I can take you over in an hour but I have this work conference call first, and you have to do chores X, Y, and Z before you go anyway, so take that time to do these things. I hear her phone beep and two minutes later she comes in and asks if the teenage sister can come pick her up and take her over to Larla's house. I was beyond exasperated -- she got a "yes" and was still angling for what she wanted quickly.

What am I missing here? I'm trying to be laid back, but I really feel like this has become a constant thing and I'm beginning to be concerned it's going to be the "summer of Larla." I hate that my opinion of this child is so negative, but she doesn't seem to have much supervision or maybe her parents are more "free range" than I am. But the encouraging DD to lie thing really bugged me and set a bad tone.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

+1

If you want to set boundaries for your daughter in terms of how much time she spends socializing v. family time, do that. But this honestly doesn't seem to be a Larla issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

Good question.

I think the problem is that she's not respecting any boundaries we're trying to place, including the basic performance of chores (pick up your room, feed and care for your animals, take a shower more than once a week) in desperation to spend time with Larla. Or that she won't even come home to spend a few minutes with us (although I guess that latter thing really is full-on teenager so doesn't bother me so much).

I also am concerned about lack of supervision when she and Larla are together. I don't know that the parents are really paying attention, and if Larla is urging DD to do things like lie to her parents, I fear she's not the best influence in general.

[Anonymous]

Why did you let her go before she did the chores? No one respects boundaries that aren't enforced. That's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

Good question.

I think the problem is that she's not respecting any boundaries we're trying to place, including the basic performance of chores (pick up your room, feed and care for your animals, take a shower more than once a week) in desperation to spend time with Larla. Or that she won't even come home to spend a few minutes with us (although I guess that latter thing really is full-on teenager so doesn't bother me so much).

I also am concerned about lack of supervision when she and Larla are together. I don't know that the parents are really paying attention, and if Larla is urging DD to do things like lie to her parents, I fear she's not the best influence in general.

The first paragraph is a DD issue, not a Larla issue. Set boundaries and expectations.

But why not get to know Larla's parents? Seems like they're getting close. Have them over for a BBQ, and see what kind of parents they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

Good question.

I think the problem is that she's not respecting any boundaries we're trying to place, including the basic performance of chores (pick up your room, feed and care for your animals, take a shower more than once a week) in desperation to spend time with Larla. Or that she won't even come home to spend a few minutes with us (although I guess that latter thing really is full-on teenager so doesn't bother me so much).

I also am concerned about lack of supervision when she and Larla are together. I don't know that the parents are really paying attention, and if Larla is urging DD to do things like lie to her parents, I fear she's not the best influence in general.

I also feel like this morning was telling. She asked, received an answer of "yes" and was still getting pressure from Larla to come over RIGHT AWAY even though they had been together for the previous 24 hours since school let out yesterday and were going to be together for the next 24. Like she couldn't take an hour while I was on the phone for work to do her chores. And then was resentful when I said yes, but in an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let her go before she did the chores? No one respects boundaries that aren't enforced. That's on you.

I did enforce it. And caught a crapload of grief, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Girl crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the problem is unless your daughter doesn't actually want to spend all that time with Larla?

Good question.

I think the problem is that she's not respecting any boundaries we're trying to place, including the basic performance of chores (pick up your room, feed and care for your animals, take a shower more than once a week) in desperation to spend time with Larla. Or that she won't even come home to spend a few minutes with us (although I guess that latter thing really is full-on teenager so doesn't bother me so much).

I also am concerned about lack of supervision when she and Larla are together. I don't know that the parents are really paying attention, and if Larla is urging DD to do things like lie to her parents, I fear she's not the best influence in general.

I also feel like this morning was telling. She asked, received an answer of "yes" and was still getting pressure from Larla to come over RIGHT AWAY even though they had been together for the previous 24 hours since school let out yesterday and were going to be together for the next 24. Like she couldn't take an hour while I was on the phone for work to do her chores. And then was resentful when I said yes, but in an hour.

Tween friendships can burn hot. They seem intense and kids lose perspective. You're doing the right thing in helping her keep her perspective (or trying) but it's not abnormal for her to be going through this.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of me and my best friend back in middle school/high school. We were "best friends forever" from the moment we met and wanted to spend all our time together (and were on the phone when we weren't together!) My parents disliked her and felt she was a bad influence on me. Little did they know, I was actually the real bad influence (little big of a rebellious kid, nothing too crazy). I didn't encourage her to lie, but I did encourage her to disobey quite a bit and often... They even forbid me to talk to her for a while. Nothing worked. It's now several decades later and she and I are still close. I think you need to get to know this girl, and if you don't see red flags of a toxic/destructive friendship, set boundaries and expectations for your own child's behavior and hold her to it. Teenagers kinda suck - not looking forward to that stage with my kids...

[Anonymous]

I also feel like this morning was telling. She asked, received an answer of "yes" and was still getting pressure from Larla to come over RIGHT AWAY even though they had been together for the previous 24 hours since school let out yesterday and were going to be together for the next 24. Like she couldn't take an hour while I was on the phone for work to do her chores. And then was resentful when I said yes, but in an hour

.

this is SUCH a teenager thing. And you don't know it's pressure from Larla. the texts could've looked like this:

Your DD: I can't come until after an hour because my mom has a work call. I'm so pissed I could scream. I want to come over right now, but of course my mom can't drive me!! can your mom or sister come get me?
Larla: Okay - I just checked and my sister could come pick you up. go ask your mom if that's okay.


And I know you realize this but you keep harping on that ONE time you caught Larla telling your dd to lie. You need to realize that one lie as a pre-teen or whatever doesn't make the character of a person. Your dd has a best friend. As teen girls best friends want to spend every waking moment together. Trust me when I tell you that it's not all Larla's idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl crush.

OP here. No, I actually don't think so.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that the issue here is, your daughter has a close friend whom you don't like. Which is a problem! And I'm sympathetic! But it's not the problem you think you have.

[Anonymous]

OP, we're in a similar, but not quite the same situation, and I wish I had an answer.

My DD16 and this girl have been friends since Kindergarten. They only want to spend time with each other, but will sometimes include other girls in their activities. They could spend the whole day together, and still want to see each other the next day.

The problem part comes as my daughter wants to spend the time with her,even though she drives her nuts sometimes with what I consider minor issues, but she vents and vents about it.

I've tried to encourage other friendships, but without too much luck. I wish I had more suggestions, as I understand where you're coming from. And those examples you brought up would bother me as well.