Fourth Grade DD -- how to instill gratitude and tone down sass/back talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP - It sounds like your daughter is fairly ordinary. It
sounds like you really don't understand kids her age.

Model gratitude, and you might start to see it.

Expect some sass and imperfection. Don't make a nick nack at the toy store more important than it really is (you shouldn't have bought it). I know that it was always really hard for my kid to do errands after an athletic game. He was tired, and hungry dehydrated, and uncomfortable after giving his all on the field.

That's what we are wondering if it is just part of her development. Hah, yeah we didn't buy anything they were handing out as promotions. Toys are for birthdays and Christmas!

As for modelin gratitude, we are very gracious to each other (we thank each other for who make dinner, and thank kids for putting away dishes or shoes or chores), though I thin we might sometimes grouse about work or some problem with the house or car.

You, dear, are the one who questioned your own behavior.

Yes, a lot of this is development. You are wise to question when your kid enters a new stage. I'm a bunch of years ahead of you, but here is what I know. Set some parenting goals, and don't sweat the small stuff. Understand that your kid is insecure, in turmoil and hormonal. Don't ask the impossible. For instance, I took my kid driving last weekend. He was great in the car. Very respectful and safe. Once we got home, he felt the need to tell his dad all the ways I was less than ideal - he was awful. I just let him. That was just teenage bs. Another one: If you are engaged in an argument with your kid about absolute stupidity and losing track of the bigger parenting goal, shut your mouth because you are contributing by acting like a kid. If you don't shut up before long you will pull rank and be unfair. Then Reflect back on your parenting goals again, and then change your behavior to achieve the goals. Just shut up sometimes. In my house, everyone says thank you about meals, and praises the cook. Every night. Even when dinner sucks.

[Anonymous]

We do gratitude of 3's each day:

Everyone has to say:

something they saw that someone else should be grateful for

something they did for someone that might make them grateful

something someone did for them that they are grateful for

[Anonymous]

Two issues:

(1) Gratitude for what you do for her and for what she has;

and

(2) Being a polite and respectful member of the family.

The first (gratitude) is a harder one to achieve in a 10 year old. Lots of great ideas above about how to plant the seeds to cultivate it. But you can't "guilt" a 10 year old into feeling grateful. They just get defensive and resentful. Which I get.

Gratitude is something that should flow freely, not because someone demands it. So step back on the criticism there ("You don't appreciate X, Y and Z!!") and focus on the positive -- notice when DD DOES express appreciation or says thank you etc. And be sure to model the same.

Also, I love the daily practice of "gratitude of 3's" above. That helps kids learn to feel gratitude independently. Not just to soothe a parent's hurt feelings (not being appreciated.)


However . . . .

Separate from gratitude, DD is responsible for communicating her feelings politely and with respect. She may not appreciate things she's given, but it's not ok to be rude. Same goes for you and any other adults in the house. It's ok to have negative feelings (anger, impatience, frustration etc.), but it's not ok to express them in a rude/sassy/back talk-y way.

There's a different thread going about this right now, I think. Scroll through for other ideas (including the book "How to Talk So Kids Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Talk."

[Anonymous]

OP is asking about a 6 yo, but much of the advice is equally applicable to a 10 yo and beyond:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/648200.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That's what we are wondering if it is just part of her development. Hah, yeah we didn't buy anything they were handing out as promotions. Toys are for birthdays and Christmas!

As for modelin gratitude, we are very gracious to each other (we thank each other for who make dinner, and thank kids for putting away dishes or shoes or chores), though I thin we might sometimes grouse about work or some problem with the house or car.

I think that it's beyond most ten-year-olds to be grateful to their parents. It requires perspective that they don't have yet. And they're very busy with their own development.

But certainly it's appropriate to expect polite behavior related to gratitude -- saying thank you, for example.

Also, sometimes I say stuff to my ten-year-old like, "Thank you for vacuuming my bedroom this morning!" (if I vacuumed her bedroom) or "Thank you for going shopping for the present for Larla's birthday party for me!" (if I went shopping for a present from her for Larla's birthday party), and then she knows to say it back to me.