6yo - is it just my kid? "Don't speak to your mother that way" (tone and the way things are said)
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Anonymous
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We live a few hours away from the majority of our family and friends so when they come to visit, it's a special occasion or treat. DD has always been quite outspoken but has been regarded as kind and helpful by teachers. However when family comes to visit, they are often saying "don't speak to your mother that way" or "don't say that" when she responds "What" to being called or "don't touch me" when I am detangling her hair. To be honest I feel like I say the same things atleast once a day to her about her tone. I am a very shy and sensitive person and she's quite the opposite she says what's on her mind with little to no filter. So I need to get othernopinions on if tone is as big of a deal as to be corrected.
Example of how she may be correct but it's how she words it: I mentioned that we needed to get Father's Day gifts for her grandfathers. She replied "why? they aren't my fathers" but it was more tone than what she said because, well it's true that they aren't. How do you strike the balance between having a child be independent and strong willed but also add in some compassion to tone or to how people are spoken to? Would you correct a child because their words are harsh or tone is harsh if what they are saying is true (but just might not need to be said)? How do you do so at this point? |
Anonymous
| I hate when my kids (or husband, for that matter) say "what?" when I call their names, so yes, I'd correct that. |
Anonymous
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One of the things my mother always (ALWAYS) said to my siblings and me: "It is not what you say, it is how you say it."
Now that I have my own child -- a 6 year old -- I totally get it. Especially when I hear my sometimes-annoyed tone of voice come out of his mouth 
However. It is up to you to deal with this in a way that seems right to you; your family should not be the ones to intervene unless you've requested it. Talk to them about it and deal with your child separately. |
Anonymous
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It's my job to teach my children civility. I am not going to raise any brats. How are they going to function as adults if they are rude and self-centered? It's exhausting, yes. It's easier not to correct them. "Here's your oj. Now what do you say?" "Stop whining" "Be nice!" etc etc.
As my mom told me- they are trainable. |
Anonymous
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I would definitely correct it, especially if it's that noticeably to others. You are probably so used to it that you don't see /hear how bad it is.
As for how to correct, advising of the problem, correct and model. After awhile you'll only have to say something like tone or try that again. But first you have to get her to recognize the problem and you have to be sure she knows what you expect. |
Anonymous
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One of the things I often say to my 6yo is, "How about trying that again?"
Sometimes I have to count to 10 before I can make that request, because his tone can be so nasty. I try my best not to respond in the tone he's used and remember that he is a kid, is learning, and I am his safe testing ground for these things. Asking him to 'try again' has been a big help. He's actually used it on me when I'm annoyed and showing my feelings 
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Anonymous
| Kids don't get to issue commands to adults like "don't touch me" or "Don't talk to me I'm watching TV" in everyday situations. Of course if there's something big or terrifying going on or the kid is scared about something, that's different. I mean every day normal situations. I'm frankly shocked at what some parents allow. |
Anonymous
Kids absolutely can say "don't touch me". They can say it in a non-a$$hole way, of course. But empowerment begins at home and every kid needs to know that they are the boss of their body. |
Anonymous
| I vaguely recall saying to my DD at that age "Try saying that again in a tone that won't make me want to smack you across the face." |
Anonymous
| Agree with the PPs who use the try again method. I would also ask her questions like "How would your grandfathers feel if they heard that?" or "Would you like to be talked to that way?" to get her to consider the feelings of others more. |
Anonymous
You sound lovely. |
Anonymous
Are you the father or mother? what happens to daughters growing up with fathers like that. |
Anonymous
| Teach empathy. |
Anonymous
+1. My 4 year old says "I don't want to be touched," which I think is fine; she also says that exact phrase, "I am the boss of my own body," which is grating but she's just repeating what she's been taught. Granted she says it at annoying times like washing her hair or applying sunscreen, but I try to work with her if I can -- "If you want to wash your own hair, you can. Please say that so that I know." |
Anonymous
Yes I would. OP, independent/strong willed does not/should not equal tone deaf. You won't do your DD any favors if you don't get in and teach her a concrete lesson about language every time this happens. Give her alternative lines to say, inform her that Father's Day can be a day to celebrate all the fathers in her family (and get her involved with choosing presents if feeling ownership will help her understand better), talk to her about feelings and how people have the power to either lift others up or cut them down, depending on what they say. Use the "How to Talk So Your Child Will Listen and How to..." book to get to the heart of what she's saying in her clunky way. For example, "Don't touch me!" might really mean, "it hurts when you comb my hair too hard, could you be more careful please?" or, "I don't want to sit still for this, can I please go play instead?" Help her figure it out and say it. |