Need advice on individual/family goals and ambitions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would start couples counseling. You guys aren't on the same page at all and your resentment is just going to grow. You need to work through this, and if he isn't even open to the conversation, you never will. Couples counseling could help you both communicate.

Thank you, yes, I think communication is a big factor...it's something I haven't even really talked about in therapy alone, either...some of the frustration bubbled to the surface recently when my therapist talked to me about needing positive things to look forward to, so I think I will start with addressing it there on my own (my role in the lack of communication) and then go from there. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

Hey! I'm so sorry that life has become this taxing. Personal experience tells me that your husband may partially be struggling with just the part of being the provider, as his role as husband. There is a really good program called "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey that my husband and I have been doing that has seemed to bring a big change in my husband since we began. The program breaks down how to set small financial goals and then bigger ones as you reach the smaller goals. I never realized just how taxing finances and the mentality of being the "Bread winner" was on my husband until we started to take this financial journey together. It was hard to get us on the same page all together with it. I had to take on the main role of doing the finances because it was messy before it got better. Communicating about the messy parts seemed to bring my husband stress, so in the beginning of the goal setting I would share as little as possible about the process until we were to the point where we were seeing goals reached. Once we began to pay off one debt after another, I shared more with him and then he got more excited. It wasn't that he did not want to set goals, it was more that he was just bogged down with just all of the effort of providing for the family and things never seeming to be quite enough for us to do all of the things we'd dreamed of. We still have some debt to pay, but we have paid off half of our debtors and are still going. We have money saved and we just took our first couples vacation since our honeymoon. These are things that most likely wouldn't have happened if we had not have taken our finances under control and worked as a team. Having some goals reached, freed up some of the resistance that my husband felt toward doing things that we had wanted to do.

Here is an article that your husband may find helpful about reaching goals: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/focus-on-the-family-commentary/dont-quit-too-soon?refcd=377001&nosplash=1&utm_source=forums&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=forums2016

And a book that I personally found helpful on the power of your thought life and how to approach the renewal of your mind is "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

If the two of you continue to have difficulty concerning setting and reaching goals as a family, perhaps you could consider seeing a couples counselor to help the two of you communicate through things. Here is a number that you can call for counseling and referrals: FOTF Counseling Line [phone]

Praying that things get better for you and your family's circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey! I'm so sorry that life has become this taxing. Personal experience tells me that your husband may partially be struggling with just the part of being the provider, as his role as husband. There is a really good program called "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey that my husband and I have been doing that has seemed to bring a big change in my husband since we began. The program breaks down how to set small financial goals and then bigger ones as you reach the smaller goals. I never realized just how taxing finances and the mentality of being the "Bread winner" was on my husband until we started to take this financial journey together. It was hard to get us on the same page all together with it. I had to take on the main role of doing the finances because it was messy before it got better. Communicating about the messy parts seemed to bring my husband stress, so in the beginning of the goal setting I would share as little as possible about the process until we were to the point where we were seeing goals reached. Once we began to pay off one debt after another, I shared more with him and then he got more excited. It wasn't that he did not want to set goals, it was more that he was just bogged down with just all of the effort of providing for the family and things never seeming to be quite enough for us to do all of the things we'd dreamed of. We still have some debt to pay, but we have paid off half of our debtors and are still going. We have money saved and we just took our first couples vacation since our honeymoon. These are things that most likely wouldn't have happened if we had not have taken our finances under control and worked as a team. Having some goals reached, freed up some of the resistance that my husband felt toward doing things that we had wanted to do.

Here is an article that your husband may find helpful about reaching goals: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/focus-on-the-family-commentary/dont-quit-too-soon?refcd=377001&nosplash=1&utm_source=forums&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=forums2016

And a book that I personally found helpful on the power of your thought life and how to approach the renewal of your mind is "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

If the two of you continue to have difficulty concerning setting and reaching goals as a family, perhaps you could consider seeing a couples counselor to help the two of you communicate through things. Here is a number that you can call for counseling and referrals: FOTF Counseling Line [phone]

Praying that things get better for you and your family's circumstances.

Thank you for this! I've heard of Dave Ramsey and will look into the program. It will be nice to have a structure and something to work toward as a team that doesn't automatically mean expenditures. FWIW my husband is not the breadwinner; we contribute just about equally. Some years my income is a little higher than his, and some years his is higher than mine, but the difference is never much. Honestly I've probably been the "breadwinner" more years than he has, but the difference is so marginal I don't really think about it. The advice to consider a financial program still applies, of course, and he may still feel pressure to provide for our family even though he is definitely not our sole financial provider. Thank you for these ideas!

[Anonymous]

I can relate, op. Sounds like classic anxiety to me. Analysis paralysis. Can't make a decision, so won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey! I'm so sorry that life has become this taxing. Personal experience tells me that your husband may partially be struggling with just the part of being the provider, as his role as husband. There is a really good program called "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey that my husband and I have been doing that has seemed to bring a big change in my husband since we began. The program breaks down how to set small financial goals and then bigger ones as you reach the smaller goals. I never realized just how taxing finances and the mentality of being the "Bread winner" was on my husband until we started to take this financial journey together. It was hard to get us on the same page all together with it. I had to take on the main role of doing the finances because it was messy before it got better. Communicating about the messy parts seemed to bring my husband stress, so in the beginning of the goal setting I would share as little as possible about the process until we were to the point where we were seeing goals reached. Once we began to pay off one debt after another, I shared more with him and then he got more excited. It wasn't that he did not want to set goals, it was more that he was just bogged down with just all of the effort of providing for the family and things never seeming to be quite enough for us to do all of the things we'd dreamed of. We still have some debt to pay, but we have paid off half of our debtors and are still going. We have money saved and we just took our first couples vacation since our honeymoon. These are things that most likely wouldn't have happened if we had not have taken our finances under control and worked as a team. Having some goals reached, freed up some of the resistance that my husband felt toward doing things that we had wanted to do.

Here is an article that your husband may find helpful about reaching goals: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/focus-on-the-family-commentary/dont-quit-too-soon?refcd=377001&nosplash=1&utm_source=forums&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=forums2016

And a book that I personally found helpful on the power of your thought life and how to approach the renewal of your mind is "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

If the two of you continue to have difficulty concerning setting and reaching goals as a family, perhaps you could consider seeing a couples counselor to help the two of you communicate through things. Here is a number that you can call for counseling and referrals: FOTF Counseling Line [phone]

Praying that things get better for you and your family's circumstances.

Thank you for this! I've heard of Dave Ramsey and will look into the program. It will be nice to have a structure and something to work toward as a team that doesn't automatically mean expenditures. FWIW my husband is not the breadwinner; we contribute just about equally. Some years my income is a little higher than his, and some years his is higher than mine, but the difference is never much. Honestly I've probably been the "breadwinner" more years than he has, but the difference is so marginal I don't really think about it. The advice to consider a financial program still applies, of course, and he may still feel pressure to provide for our family even though he is definitely not our sole financial provider. Thank you for these ideas!

I wanted more out of life than DH amd these things take money. Wishes don't make things happen. My DH can't ever get out of his comfort zone, so this more wasn't goung to happen as a result of his efforts. I then figured out a way to shift my career and make more money to get what I want. At this point he's just a passenger paying for a ticket on my ride. Life is too short to wait around on unmotivated people.

[Anonymous]

We might have a similar situation, though varying degrees.
I am Type A, used to be high achieving. My DH is for a lack of better terms, Beta type in comparison. He works long hours (60 hrs) but I think he is doing something not right. Hes been with the same company ten years with really slow promotion, people who joined 5 years later and 5 years younger are being promoted ahead of him. When he works at home he is not goofing off. He will take minimal meal breaks and keep going for the entire day. Our desks are in the same room and I can see his computer screen and hear him on the phone making biz calls. He is dependable loyal honest, and can I emphasize dependable again? That part stood out from OP's post. I think these types make great supportive depenavle trusworthy sweet spouses and wonderful fathers. BUT they do have negative consequences. We were one of the last to buy a house (at a ripe age of 38 when I started off my career making 6 figures and had my first condo by 28), he is now officially earning the least among any of his friends even the ones he says are not smart or downright kinda lazy. It kills me that he works such long hours and gets comparatively little pay. We are 40 and I dont want to get left behind either in terms of what is normal spending for friends and family.

Anyway when I get frustrated I try to remember what a good guy he is, how loyal and honest and dependable he is, how engaged of a dad he is, all that.

As for anything concrete, I think you should go ahead and make plans for a new job or higher earnings to lay the foundation to buy a house, make plans for vacation and just go even if he wont, and socialize more with your friends rather than expect your DH to up his "joie de vivre", because that could take a loooong time, as in a few years. He could improve within a year, but he sounds clinically depressed, separate from and top of his personality. I went through such a phase and I acted a lot like your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We might have a similar situation, though varying degrees.
I am Type A, used to be high achieving. My DH is for a lack of better terms, Beta type in comparison. He works long hours (60 hrs) but I think he is doing something not right. Hes been with the same company ten years with really slow promotion, people who joined 5 years later and 5 years younger are being promoted ahead of him. When he works at home he is not goofing off. He will take minimal meal breaks and keep going for the entire day. Our desks are in the same room and I can see his computer screen and hear him on the phone making biz calls. He is dependable loyal honest, and can I emphasize dependable again? That part stood out from OP's post. I think these types make great supportive depenavle trusworthy sweet spouses and wonderful fathers. BUT they do have negative consequences. We were one of the last to buy a house (at a ripe age of 38 when I started off my career making 6 figures and had my first condo by 28), he is now officially earning the least among any of his friends even the ones he says are not smart or downright kinda lazy. It kills me that he works such long hours and gets comparatively little pay. We are 40 and I dont want to get left behind either in terms of what is normal spending for friends and family.

Anyway when I get frustrated I try to remember what a good guy he is, how loyal and honest and dependable he is, how engaged of a dad he is, all that.

As for anything concrete, I think you should go ahead and make plans for a new job or higher earnings to lay the foundation to buy a house, make plans for vacation and just go even if he wont, and socialize more with your friends rather than expect your DH to up his "joie de vivre", because that could take a loooong time, as in a few years. He could improve within a year, but he sounds clinically depressed, separate from and top of his personality. I went through such a phase and I acted a lot like your husband.

OP here and thank you! This is SO similar. The work ethic, the loyalty, the support, the job situation. Honestly the more I think about it, the more I think our default location is a sticking point for me (although I'm not the person in another thread who asked about moving when spouse doesn't want to). We never planned to be here forever (neither of us are from this area or are tied to the area by industry) but didn't have a specific alternative plan, beyond vague conversations about moving somewhere with a lower cost of living or even a similar cost of living with more characteristics we like. And it was one thing to put off that conversation at 28, it's different at almost 40. And the longer we've stayed, the more things have happened to keep us here, such as relatives moving closer, and it's like the person not wanting to make decisions is, in a way, the person making the decisions, insofar as inaction is a decision. I feel defensive of the fact that it's not like this was the longterm plan and I'm trying to change it. It's tough when something that wasn't necessarily supposed to be permanent becomes the status quo, because the status quo is easier to justify than any changes. And then I find myself looking like I'm never satisfied, or I want my husband to make more money so I can buy things for myself, or whatever.

Thanks for understanding that it's possible to love your wonderful spouse for their great qualities and how they balance you, but also to have some frustrations. Reading your reply and some of the others is a great reminder to appreciate his great qualities even more, and it's also nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Forgetting joie de vivre (I feel selfish for even putting it that way!), when you were depressed, what did your husband do that was helpful without pushing you or making you feel worse?

[Anonymous]

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad had tenure and would not move/travel/entertain any change. He would go camping with the family, but any hotels/rentals - no way. My mom bought a house of her dreams when I was out of graduate school. It took my dad a year to move from the condo. They basically dated that year. The only trip my dad went on was for the year 2000 celebration. He loved it, but would not go anywhere again. My mom travelled by herself and with kids. Their marriage is still a happy marriage as they accept each other as is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad had tenure and would not move/travel/entertain any change. He would go camping with the family, but any hotels/rentals - no way. My mom bought a house of her dreams when I was out of graduate school. It took my dad a year to move from the condo. They basically dated that year. The only trip my dad went on was for the year 2000 celebration. He loved it, but would not go anywhere again. My mom travelled by herself and with kids. Their marriage is still a happy marriage as they accept each other as is.

I assume that when your dad was offered a tenure track position, your parents had a conversation about it and knew it would set the course for their adult lives? I think this supports the idea that actually making big changes is less important than good communication and shared decision making, even if the decision is to stay put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad had tenure and would not move/travel/entertain any change. He would go camping with the family, but any hotels/rentals - no way. My mom bought a house of her dreams when I was out of graduate school. It took my dad a year to move from the condo. They basically dated that year. The only trip my dad went on was for the year 2000 celebration. He loved it, but would not go anywhere again. My mom travelled by herself and with kids. Their marriage is still a happy marriage as they accept each other as is.

I assume that when your dad was offered a tenure track position, your parents had a conversation about it and knew it would set the course for their adult lives? I think this supports the idea that actually making big changes is less important than good communication and shared decision making, even if the decision is to stay put.

I agree with you on communication. It also helps that they don't like conflict and love each other.
Both of my parents got tenure track positions but my mom decided it was not for her. She wanted money and went to earn it. They like talking to each other and appreciate the freedom they allow each other (right now my mom is at the beach house and full of plans, while my dad is at home and has no desire to go anywhere). When he was courting her, he was always taking her to theaters, operas, etc. He had not gone once since they got married, my mom doesn't miss a performance. The list can go on and on. Dad was always great with kids (and grandkids) and a good cook. Mom is the serious one and likes to share her experiences.

[Anonymous]

OP he wants to continue to live within your means while you want to live above your means. Keep the condo, save money. Save for your child's college. I know too many that have big mortgages who are heavily in debt.