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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We might have a similar situation, though varying degrees. 
I am Type A, used to be high achieving. My DH is for a lack of better terms, Beta type in comparison. He works long hours (60 hrs) but I think he is doing something not right. Hes been with the same company ten years with really slow promotion,  people who joined 5 years later and 5 years younger are being promoted ahead of him. When he works at home he is not goofing off. He will take minimal meal breaks and keep going for the entire day. Our desks are in the same room and I can see his computer screen and hear him on the phone making biz calls. He is dependable loyal honest, and can I emphasize dependable again? That part stood out from OP's post. I think these types make great supportive depenavle trusworthy sweet spouses and wonderful fathers. BUT they do have negative consequences. We were one of the last to buy a house (at a ripe age of 38 when I started off my career making 6 figures and had my first condo by 28), he is now officially earning the least among any of his friends even the ones he says are not smart or downright kinda lazy. It kills me that he works such long hours and gets comparatively little pay. We are 40 and I dont want to get left behind either in terms of what is normal spending for friends and family.

Anyway when I get frustrated I try to remember what a good guy he is, how loyal and honest and dependable he is, how engaged of a dad he is, all that.

As for anything concrete, I think you should go ahead and make plans for a new job or higher earnings to lay the foundation to buy a house, make plans for vacation and just go even if he wont, and socialize more with your friends rather than expect your DH to up his "joie de vivre", because that could take a loooong time, as in a few years. He could improve within a year, but he sounds clinically depressed, separate from and top of his personality. I went through such a phase and I acted a lot like your husband.

[/quote]

OP here and thank you! This is SO similar. The work ethic, the loyalty, the support, the job situation. Honestly the more I think about it, the more I think our default location is a sticking point for me (although I'm not the person in another thread who asked about moving when spouse doesn't want to). We never planned to be here forever (neither of us are from this area or are tied to the area by industry) but didn't have a specific alternative plan, beyond vague conversations about moving somewhere with a lower cost of living or even a similar cost of living with more characteristics we like. And it was one thing to put off that conversation at 28, it's different at almost 40. And the longer we've stayed, the more things have happened to keep us here, such as relatives moving closer, and it's like the person not wanting to make decisions is, in a way, the person making the decisions, insofar as inaction is a decision. I feel defensive of the fact that it's not like this was the longterm plan and I'm trying to change it. It's tough when something that wasn't necessarily supposed to be permanent becomes the status quo, because the status quo is easier to justify than any changes. And then I find myself looking like I'm never satisfied, or I want my husband to make more money so I can buy things for myself, or whatever.

Thanks for understanding that it's possible to love your wonderful spouse for their great qualities and how they balance you, but also to have some frustrations. Reading your reply and some of the others is a great reminder to appreciate his great qualities even more, and it's also nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Forgetting joie de vivre (I feel selfish for even putting it that way!), when you were depressed, what did your husband do that was helpful without pushing you or making you feel worse?[/quote]

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