Need advice on individual/family goals and ambitions

[Anonymous]

DH is a good, dependable husband and father. I feel like that should be enough, but I'm so tired of stagnating in the same tiny condo with nothing to look forward to. He gets stressed out by any talk of change or goals. Not that I want him to be impulsive and flighty, but I would like to be working toward something...anything! I've long wanted to move to a different area, but that's a nonstarter, and when I talk about planning to sell our condo and move to a house, he says he might look for a new job so we shouldn't commit to even a local move like that. Or that we can't afford it...well, let's figure out a plan to afford it! And he's been at the same workplace for over 10 years and been saying that he might look for a new job for most of those years. I don't think that he's just satisfied with how things are whereas I'm never satisfied...he seems to view most of day-to-day life as a grind. He says he's not anxious or depressed, but he doesn't seem happy, either, and he acts like he's powerless to change anything in life. Any time we go out socially, he grumbles about it, even when he winds up having a good time. He sees someone for ADHD meds but not for anxiety or depression, apparently it never comes up when he meets with doctor every few months. I have some individual goals (things I want to achieve professionally and creatively) but I feel frustrated that we can't even discuss changes that would affect the whole family. (We have one child in elementary school.) I've been dealing with my own anxiety around what-ifs of bad things happening in life, and my therapist said it would be good to have some positive things to look forward to. But it's so hard to plan things to look forward to (beyond, like, a coffee date with a friend) with someone who cannot handle any threat of change. We can't even plan a vacation beyond joining in on family trips without him pocket vetoing it...always some excuse for why it's not a good time to talk about it, and then the window closes. I'd be fine with something that was more HIS goal than mine, like if he wanted to visit a particular place or pursue a new hobby, but he's like "Of course I would like to do X or have Y, but this is just how things are/how our life is." And I don't believe in that mindset. This is not a brand new issue, but he was more adventurous, active, and social for the time we knew each other before marriage (about 7 years), so I kind of expected that we would continue learning and exploring together. And the older we get (nearing 40) the harder it is to feel like each year is no different than the last. Especially because at some point, life will get harder! Our parents are aging, either one of us could get sick, etc. So...

Any advice for how to either deal with this issue or accept my life how it is?
Any advice on how to help DH feel and express happiness and interest in life?
Any advice on developing things to look forward to on my own, beyond fitness goals, professional growth, and creative pursuits? (Preferably something not too expensive?)

I probably sound like a type A high achiever, and I'm really not! I'm not in a corporate rat race. My professional goals are more like just acquiring new skills and responsibilities over time, to keep learning. I love the little moments with my family and feel very lucky for what I have day to day. I just feel like there's so much possibility in life, and I don't want to be stuck because my partner is afraid of change. Or if he truly doesn't WANT change, why doesn't he seem happy? It occurs to me that maybe it's me...I know he loves me but maybe that's different from making him happy. Or my spending habits. I don't have expensive tastes but I do drop more at Target or on Amazon than I should. We're not saving as much as we should, so that's probably a big part of it. When I see possibility, he just sees dollar signs. But even when I've talked about setting a goal for how much we save and then planning a vacation or something, it's like the very thought of setting a goal and working toward it is stressful and he avoids the conversation.

Ok I'll stop rambling now...clearly I had a lot to get off my chest!

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just do what you want? He doesn't want to talk about it, but if you suddenly started bringing in more money, why would he complain?

You need to figure out what you really want to do with your time and make a plan to get there. Don't worry about DH. he'll either come along or he won't. Once you're happier, I bet the whole household gets happier.

[Anonymous]

Set your own goals. Put together a comprehensive budget with a few things you want to achieve to show him the possibilities. Sounds like both of you are stuck in a rut and you are waiting for the other to do something. So, do something to put youself on a path toward getting what you want.

[Anonymous]

I can understand you op. Not much else to say, but I understand you.

I may come back and type up some feelings later but can't right now.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I appreciate the feedback. I will try to take more steps on my own. I definitely can. I think it wears me down sometimes to be fighting inertia. I don't always want to lead the parade, and at DC's age, inertia = trouble. But DH is unfailingly kind to me and to DC, he does a lot of parenting, and I know he loves me. He is responsible and caring. I just miss the joie de vivre and energy that he used to have, and I feel like we're too young to stop challenging ourselves and each other. I see everyone around us taking active steps to build the lives they want, together, and I feel jealous. But no situation is perfect. He really is a wonderful person, and I feel bad for always wanting more from him.

To 18:59- <3

[Anonymous]

You're not fighting inertia and that's a really crappy attitude. If you want things, get yourself into a job/work a household budget out so that you can buy those things. Period. No need to diss your partner because he doesn't want the exact same things you want v

[Anonymous]

inability to plan is a classic adhd trait. I recommend counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:inability to plan is a classic adhd trait. I recommend counseling.

Thank you, this is something to think about! It really is about decision making and planning. I appreciate the insight.

[Anonymous]

Also, to clarify, I don't want him to get a new job so he can make more money! I did not mean to give that impression AT ALL. I want him to believe he could get a new job if he wants one (which he has said, unprompted, that he does, on many occasions for years), and if he didn't want to and was satisfied with his job, that would be great!

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I have a DH that often plays the devil's advocate on why something won't work and it drives me crazy. I'm sure it drives him crazy but I will sometimes start with " I know you will say xyz, but this is why I think it could work". Start your pitch countering what he will say before he can say it. This won't get him to spontaneously plan something or lead the charge but at least you won't feel like that character in Greek Mythology that is always trying to roll a stone uphill to have it roll back down for all of eternity.

So with vacations, plan a budget that includes vacation and have direct deposit from your paycheck into the vacation savings account. If you are a SAHM, maybe look into a part-time job for extra spending money that can be used for vacations and other extras. Find out what is a good time or what time to avoid for vacations up front - maybe when you get the school calendar and go with that. Or if he really likes to visit family, plan some time on your own with your and DH and kids and some time with family as part of your vacation. I know some families will meet up at Hilton Head with each family with their own space or in our case we see extended family that lives in cool cities. We mostly do our own thing but will spend a few days with cousins- enough for a fun trip and not wear out our welcome. Yes, constantly negotiating and taking the lead is more work, but you can still move forward WITH the same spouse. And I will admit sometimes the devil's advocate role does help temper some of my overly ambitious plans and leads to a better decision.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would start couples counseling. You guys aren't on the same page at all and your resentment is just going to grow. You need to work through this, and if he isn't even open to the conversation, you never will. Couples counseling could help you both communicate.

[Anonymous]

no real advice but OP but you are right to recognize this and try to fix it. It will only get worse as your watch your friends moving on to bigger houses, financial comfort, good schools, nice vacations. Its not about keeping up per se but just understand that you will be left behind and at some point you want an adult life and a plan.

[Anonymous]

too long a post ~

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I have a DH that often plays the devil's advocate on why something won't work and it drives me crazy. I'm sure it drives him crazy but I will sometimes start with " I know you will say xyz, but this is why I think it could work". Start your pitch countering what he will say before he can say it. This won't get him to spontaneously plan something or lead the charge but at least you won't feel like that character in Greek Mythology that is always trying to roll a stone uphill to have it roll back down for all of eternity.

So with vacations, plan a budget that includes vacation and have direct deposit from your paycheck into the vacation savings account. If you are a SAHM, maybe look into a part-time job for extra spending money that can be used for vacations and other extras. Find out what is a good time or what time to avoid for vacations up front - maybe when you get the school calendar and go with that. Or if he really likes to visit family, plan some time on your own with your and DH and kids and some time with family as part of your vacation. I know some families will meet up at Hilton Head with each family with their own space or in our case we see extended family that lives in cool cities. We mostly do our own thing but will spend a few days with cousins- enough for a fun trip and not wear out our welcome. Yes, constantly negotiating and taking the lead is more work, but you can still move forward WITH the same spouse. And I will admit sometimes the devil's advocate role does help temper some of my overly ambitious plans and leads to a better decision.

OP here, and ha, I totally get this! I will freely admit that some of my ideas are overly ambitious. (But not all of them!)

Thank you for this. I appreciate it. And I definitely want to move forward with the same spouse! I can't imagine otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no real advice but OP but you are right to recognize this and try to fix it. It will only get worse as your watch your friends moving on to bigger houses, financial comfort, good schools, nice vacations. Its not about keeping up per se but just understand that you will be left behind and at some point you want an adult life and a plan.

Thank you so much. I like to think it's not about keeping up, and I appreciate you seeing it that way. We have friends who will always have nicer houses, bigger salaries, better vacations, and newer cars, and that's fine! We both chose professions where we will never be the wealthiest ones in our friend group!