Adult Anger in Women..Question

[Anonymous]

Adult tantrums are not normal. No I don't yet at spouse, or very rarely, and more of a bark/snip. I might cry if I'm REALLY upset. But the anger thing doesn't really happen with DH.

[Anonymous]

I'm usually silent because I'm thinking. If pulled further into conflict, I'll say I'm too angry to talk about it at the moment. If pulled further, I'll respond to a question or accusation with something in a low and direct voice and repeat that I'm too angry to discuss it any more; I'll then walk away or turn to engage in something else.

If it keeps going past that, then it's loud voice, f-bombs and some pretty mean and cutting commentary. I think that's happened fewer than five times in the last seven years, but happened regularly in the early years of our relationship. I'm pretty conflict averse and can't recall it ever happening with anyone other than my husband.

I got punished severely for showing anger when I was growing up. I don't think it's healthy to suppress it and would never do that to my kid, but it's served me well in some ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) I do not have arguments with friends or coworkers, this only happens with my spouse
(2) In the past I have gone full on crazy, breaking things, swearing, screaming, etc. For this I sought professional psychiatric help
(3) I learned that I was a. depressed and b. dealing with issues related to childhood abuse and c. my spouse, in the arguments, was doing a lot of really enraging stuff such as denying or minimizing my legitimate concerns, twisting my words around, accusing me of being hyper-emotional, etc
(4) These days, I *rarely* get mad, and when I do it is because of 3c. I call my spouse on whatever he is doing and usually storm out of the room and go be alone and cry. Later we discuss it more rationally.

Adults should not be having regular "tantrums." It's part of being an adult. If it's a regular thing the person needs to seek help.

If your spouse was minimizing your feelings, wouldnt that be the cause of your depression? I mean, things happen and they still upset you, but you've learned to implode rather than explode maybe. Also curious how a psychiatrist helped you...cognitive, meds, plain therapy? What changed for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I VERY rarely get angry at DH. It's more that I vent to him about something else I'm angry about in which case I often yell and curse the situation. I would not say I have temper tantrums, ever. When I get angry at DH I sometimes get loud (I'm Italian) but I'm over it quickly. When we were first together and I was in my early 20's I was passive aggressive (I once borrowed a friend's Bedazzler and Bedazzled DH's favorite jeans when I was angry at him). Luckily I grew up.

Ok, the bedazzled jeans gave me a good laugh!

[Anonymous]

To 20:50
(1) I took antidepressants and did psychodynamic therapy
(2) Yes my DH's behavior was not good and definitely contributed to our fights and how they spiraled out of control. After I went to personal therapy, I insisted that we go to marriage counseling together and we worked a lot of issues. Things have improved a lot but still are not all the way there.
(3) I was suppressing a lot of rage about a lot of things and had a lot of reasonable needs that were not getting met. I have learned through therapy to be a lot more direct about these needs and to insist that they be met. It has helped.

The #1 thing I would say is do not normalize frequent "tantrums" in adults. It's not normal. And if you have any kids it's terrible for them, anger in a parent. Kids are totally dependent on their parents and parents do not realize how frightening it is for children to see parents appear to go out of control.

[Anonymous]

I get what my DH calls my "Vulcan" mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 20:50
(1) I took antidepressants and did psychodynamic therapy
(2) Yes my DH's behavior was not good and definitely contributed to our fights and how they spiraled out of control. After I went to personal therapy, I insisted that we go to marriage counseling together and we worked a lot of issues. Things have improved a lot but still are not all the way there.
(3) I was suppressing a lot of rage about a lot of things and had a lot of reasonable needs that were not getting met. I have learned through therapy to be a lot more direct about these needs and to insist that they be met. It has helped.

The #1 thing I would say is do not normalize frequent "tantrums" in adults. It's not normal. And if you have any kids it's terrible for them, anger in a parent. Kids are totally dependent on their parents and parents do not realize how frightening it is for children to see parents appear to go out of control.

Thanks.I find this insightful. Do you still take anti depressants or was that a bridge, and do you feel that you are happier generally and feel that your marriage is good?

[Anonymous]

Define tantrum.

[Anonymous]

If I'm REALLY angry I can be evil. Death stares, screaming, cursing. Luckily I have control over myself and this hasn't happened for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I'm REALLY angry I can be evil. Death stares, screaming, cursing. Luckily I have control over myself and this hasn't happened for years.

What do they do that can cause this sort of reaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I'm REALLY angry I can be evil. Death stares, screaming, cursing. Luckily I have control over myself and this hasn't happened for years.

What do they do that can cause this sort of reaction?

Actually, no, I realize it isn't them, it is you, isn't it? What was going on with you that kept you from being able to control yourself?

[Anonymous]

The only person I felt out of control anger towards was my ex- DH. I have read anger usually covers up the real feeling, in my case fear because we were in such a financial disaster and I hated that. My kids say I am a lot less angry since I left him so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define tantrum.

Yelling, cursing, throwing insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest: When you have a full on argument with a spouse, SO, or even a friend, what does your anger look like and how often does it happen? Tantrums, cursing, silent treatment, passive aggressive, just yelling, or a little of the above? Are adult tantrums normal, or is it about length and/or quality/quantity?

None of the above. I'm cool and articulate. If I'm enraged about something, I've trained myself to do an active task or chore while I process it and calm down. Adults can learn to deal with their anger and discuss things without resorting to destructive behaviors or language. An anger management therapist can help. It worked wonders for my insanely angry husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a totally irrational meltdown once every 2 or 3 years. I know I'm being irrational, but then think, "well, I've already gone full on crazy, I might as well ride this train all the way to the station."

The rest of the time, we barely fight. Just typical eye roll stuff once a month.

OMG I love this. Me, too!