Discussion with Father About Behavior Toward Future Grandchild Based on Past Behavior

[Anonymous]

Don't leave him alone with your kid, ever.


I actually don't know if I'd have conversation in advance. I'd say something if I witnessed something problematic and keep the discussion focused and specific, not rehash a lifetime of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had very similar circumstances growing up, and very similar concerns.

We did not confront my father but my husband and i did have very frank conversations about how we would handle various possible scenarios, and we went out of our way to ensure that my dad got plenty of time with his grandkids but no unsupervised time.

To my great surprise it was largely a non-issue. My father isn't really well enough to be left alone with the kids anyway, and it was quite easy to just be present. My father did not exhibit the same behaviors w/ my kids that he did with me. There were occasional flashes of anger verbally but nothing beyond that and nothing that I couldn't very easily intervene with by finding a way to distract the kids.

Good luck OP. I have found it quite healing to be empowered sufficiently to protect my kids from what I experienced, and parenting also made me a bit kinder in how I treat my father.

It has also been helpful to practice being a united front with my husband. "I'm sorry Dad but this is how Jack and I have agreed to handle this. You may not agree but I ask you to respect that these are the decisions we've made together for our family." It was helpful to talk all of my concerns through with my husband before they came up in interactions. And I've been amazed at how rarely I'm triggered by my father's behavior.

I hope it turns out to be manageable for you. Congratulations on building your family!

My dad used to hit me when I was little although never my mom and not really my sister (no alcoholism though). I guess maybe he had something against hitting females, I dunno. At any rate, the bolded has been true for us too as my dad has mellowed out a lot over the years. He's not "normal" but the anger/rage is largely gone perhaps as a result of reduced mental acuity. I'd suspect how your dad acts now is a much better indicator of how he will act with your children than how he acted many years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice.

I agree, there is no way to guarantee the behavior will not re-surface.

DH and l will not allow my father to be unsupervised with our future child.

Good call. You also need to be aware that abusers are often fine, even good with toddlers and babies. It's when kids get old enough to assert their independence and challenge that the abuse comes out because the abuser can't handle the lack of control. Don't be fooled if it turns out he's great with babies.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

My husband and his siblings were severely abused by a stepmother. Father denied it ever happened. Grandmother said it never happened. Other family members knew but did nothing.

I take the word of my husband and siblings.

I never left my kids with them. EVER. I was the punisher in the house because I feared my husband might not be the right person to do it considering what he went through.

I was happy when both in laws died. Our kids had no fear growing up.

[Anonymous]

Just a heads up that as your DC gets older, you may find yourself 're-traumatized' by the abuse. It happened to me when my youngest was about the same age I was when I first remember the abuse. Threw me sideways and I had to go to counseling. My therapist said what I was experiencing was very common in abuse survivors. In my case, it was my father who was the abuser. He was long dead but my mother was still around. I used to think she was as much a victim as my siblings and I but when I thought about what I'd do if anyone did a fraction of what my dad did to us, I'd kill them. That realization made a relationship with my mother difficult. Just a heads up. Hope you do go through it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't rely on a conversation or promises. Your father is never with your kid without you present. The end.

Agreed. 7,000%

If he were capable of not beating children, he wouldn't have beaten you and your brother. If your mother was capable of protecting children, she would have protected you and your brother.

Sorry. I'd never leave my kids with them, ever, even to just run to the store to get milk.

I would've discuss anything except to say, "you were physically abusive to me and brother. And you watched it happen and did nothing. Our children will never be with you alone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice.

I agree, there is no way to guarantee the behavior will not re-surface.

DH and l will not allow my father to be unsupervised with our future child.

If I were you, I would also not treat your mom as sufficient "supervision" for your father since she never stopped his behavior before. So no grandma babysitting when grandpa will also be around.

I wouldn't trust that grandpa would be away just because grandma says so. My mom grew up with parents like yours op. Poverty led my mom to use her parents as childcare for my sister and me, and my grandma would allow people over who my mother didn't allow to have access to us. She'd lie to my mother and say she wasn't expecting guests or that she would respect boundaries, but when they'd show up, she couldn't turn them away even if we were there. So don't count on your mom being able to stand up for your kids either.

[Anonymous]

Don't have a conversation with him. You've decided not to leave him alone with kid. That's a good decision. But the worst thing you can do now is to say, "Hi Dad, we've decided to never leave you alone with our kids." it won't help anything. Not everything is worth talking about, just implement it.

[Anonymous]

My mom's father was horribly abusive to her - as you describe, though it started in her tweens. She had a blanket rule that he was never to be alone with any of her kids, ever. Once when I was about 5, they were visiting and we were at a restaurant. I was acting out, and grandfather reached across the table and backhanded me in the face. My mom picked me up and walked out. My dad, according to him, looked my grandfather in the eye and said, "Don't ever put a hand on my wife or kids again" and picked up my infant brother and walked out. According to him, my grandfather didn't see anything wrong with what he did. They visited a lot less than my other grandparents after that and were never allowed to stay in the house. My grandmother died first and now my grandfather lives alone, down the street from my mom. He's not been violent since that day when I was ( as far as I know, but I'd never leave my kids alone with him.

My husband's father, on the other hand, was violent with him as a child. He did two tours in Vietnam and came back with pretty bad PTSD. He finally went to therapy when. My husband was like 25 and is basically a different person now (20 years post therapy). He owned his treatment of DH and his mom and has worked really hard to recover from his traumatic experiences as a young man. He is gentle and kind and empathetic and DH and I have never had concerns with letting DD spend time with him.

[Anonymous]

No matter what, I would never, ever leave my child with him. It's just not worth the risk. He doesn't get to be a "regular" grandpa because he was a horrible, violent father to you. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are about to become parents. Growing up, my father was physically and verbally abusive to my brother and I. My father literally beat us (lost my first tooth being slapped in the face, father would punch my brother in the face to wake him up, grab brother by his arm, swing him and beat him, etc. Brother was beaten worse than me). Father was also an alcoholic. Mother was a-la Dottie Sandusky (without the sexual abuse) - stand by her man, the abuse did not occur. Family members witnessed abuse but did nothing. Grandparents (even paternal grandparents) now claim father was a "jerk" and that he was too physical with us. According to grandparents, abuse started as young as age 1 to me.

I broke the cycle and married a wonderful man. I have no concerns about my husband's behavior toward our future child.

After 30+ years, father has tried to make amends via trying to be helpful. He rarely drinks. I hope that his physical abusive ways are over, but I am am hesitant about leaving our future child in his care (even if my mother is present).

DH and I plan on having a talk with father about expected behavior.

Has anyone had such talks with a family member? Has anyone witnessed a change in behavior?

Don't leave your kid with him or your mother.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. I never had a conversation with my father about it but certainly have never left my kids alone with him. Not so hard to do since he lives across the country and we rarely see him.

[Anonymous]

Nope. My DH's stepfather was physically abusive and I will not leave my child with him (even with MIL there). I have never said a word to him about it because it's not his business.

[Anonymous]

There is no point having a conversation because you will never leave your child/ren alone with either of your parents. End of story.

That is how it is for me. I see other people with their parents who come over and are so helpful, etc, etc and it is painful but we are just not that way.

Having your own kids, or at least in my case, brings all kind of abuse issues up. I kept wondering "how could my parents do that"?! I ended up going into therapy and it's been really important. It's possible that the conversation you want to have with your dad is not about your kid, but about you, and it's possible it would be more productive for you to have it with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm impressed by your generosity in even letting your father have any part of your life, much less letting him be a grandparent to your children. Has he ever apologized to you for the abuse?? I'm glad you found a good spouse and are not letting your childhood experiences define you. Good for you, OP!

Agreed. Being nice and helpful is not the same as showing genuine remorse and asking for an apology and making amends. It could well be that he is trying to sweep everything under the rug. Also has he had any form of anger management counseling or other forms the counseling to deal with his abusive behavior?

I said it before and I will say it again your child is better off having a relationship with a grandparent than an abusive one.