Discussion with Father About Behavior Toward Future Grandchild Based on Past Behavior
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Anonymous
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My DH and I are about to become parents. Growing up, my father was physically and verbally abusive to my brother and I. My father literally beat us (lost my first tooth being slapped in the face, father would punch my brother in the face to wake him up, grab brother by his arm, swing him and beat him, etc. Brother was beaten worse than me). Father was also an alcoholic. Mother was a-la Dottie Sandusky (without the sexual abuse) - stand by her man, the abuse did not occur. Family members witnessed abuse but did nothing. Grandparents (even paternal grandparents) now claim father was a "jerk" and that he was too physical with us. According to grandparents, abuse started as young as age 1 to me.
I broke the cycle and married a wonderful man. I have no concerns about my husband's behavior toward our future child. After 30+ years, father has tried to make amends via trying to be helpful. He rarely drinks. I hope that his physical abusive ways are over, but I am am hesitant about leaving our future child in his care (even if my mother is present). DH and I plan on having a talk with father about expected behavior. Has anyone had such talks with a family member? Has anyone witnessed a change in behavior? |
Anonymous
| Don't rely on a conversation or promises. Your father is never with your kid without you present. The end. |
Anonymous
Agreed. |
Anonymous
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Do not ever leave your child alone with this man. Ever. It is only a question of whether he is allowed to see the child at all, in your presence. That is the only issue I would even consider, much less discuss with him.
Bear in mind few grandfathers are left alone with a new baby anyway so this isn't an immediate issue regardless, though I understand why it's on your mind. Kudos to you on your commitment to breaking the cycle. |
Anonymous
| Yup. No matter what, he can't be trusted not to fly off the handle. No one can try a person like a tantrum ing child. Sorry, but no. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't waste your breath on talking. This is private between you and your husband. You and DH know you are never leaving the child with him.
Be open to the idea that they tore up their parent card long ago. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the PPs. |
Anonymous
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I had very similar circumstances growing up, and very similar concerns.
We did not confront my father but my husband and i did have very frank conversations about how we would handle various possible scenarios, and we went out of our way to ensure that my dad got plenty of time with his grandkids but no unsupervised time. To my great surprise it was largely a non-issue. My father isn't really well enough to be left alone with the kids anyway, and it was quite easy to just be present. My father did not exhibit the same behaviors w/ my kids that he did with me. There were occasional flashes of anger verbally but nothing beyond that and nothing that I couldn't very easily intervene with by finding a way to distract the kids. Good luck OP. I have found it quite healing to be empowered sufficiently to protect my kids from what I experienced, and parenting also made me a bit kinder in how I treat my father. It has also been helpful to practice being a united front with my husband. "I'm sorry Dad but this is how Jack and I have agreed to handle this. You may not agree but I ask you to respect that these are the decisions we've made together for our family." It was helpful to talk all of my concerns through with my husband before they came up in interactions. And I've been amazed at how rarely I'm triggered by my father's behavior. I hope it turns out to be manageable for you. Congratulations on building your family! |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's necessarily a conversation to have right now. I agree with all the others that your father should never have time alone with your baby - or alone with just your mother present. If eventually they say they want time alone with the baby, then you could simply explain that you're not comfortable with their discipline style and will not be leaving your child. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for the advice.
I agree, there is no way to guarantee the behavior will not re-surface. DH and l will not allow my father to be unsupervised with our future child. |
Anonymous
| I'm impressed by your generosity in even letting your father have any part of your life, much less letting him be a grandparent to your children. Has he ever apologized to you for the abuse?? I'm glad you found a good spouse and are not letting your childhood experiences define you. Good for you, OP! |
Anonymous
If I were you, I would also not treat your mom as sufficient "supervision" for your father since she never stopped his behavior before. So no grandma babysitting when grandpa will also be around. |
Anonymous
| You will see once baby is here what it feels like to be a mama bear. You won't ever let him alone with your child Bc you two are the sole people on earth responsible for keeping your children safe until they are 18 - it's a weird feeling but so primal. You'd never forgive yourself if your child experienced a fraction of what you did ...honestly my mother in law is lovely but I'd never leave her alone with my kids - we've never had the conversation but it's just understood - she visits a lot and I've let her monitor watch my kids but that's it - she used only Nannies w her kids and insists things like whiskey on the babies lips will solve my problems (or sub all other advice from 60 yrs ago) |
Anonymous
X1,000 |
Anonymous
He has vaguely apologized. I have confronted him in the past: I've told him that if my mom died first (she was ill at the time), no one will have anything to do with him again (almost a come to Jesus moment, if you will). I also encouraged my mother to protect her retirement assets in case she predeceases him such that the assets pass directly to my brother and I, not him (she acquiesed, based on his past behavior with alcohol, she is aware that such an event could trigger him to dissipate all assets). My brother has less to do with him. Today I view my father as a 60+ year old, shrinking man and I realize that he is a sorry, weak human being. But, my child is my priority. |