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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your husband is being a bit of a jerk, or at least insensitive, for not recognizing that you need some down time away from his mom and making sure that you get it.  Even letting you go to another room of the house *undisturbed* would be helpful.

You shouldn't have to be "On" all the time.[/quote]

[b]DH agrees in theory but when the time comes and she's here he acts like we haven't discussed it prior to the visit. [/b]He says it's only a few times a year and I should just suck it up. He says he has to spend time with my parents far more often (they're local) but to me it's not the same because it's a few hours at a time and we can leave anytime to go to our own home and when MIL visits there's never a break or if I take one I'm considered rude.

There's also the issue with DH communicating with me when she's here. He just assumes we're on the same page. She came in to town yesterday and I worked all day and he called and asked me where I was because he thought I would have been home by then (think work hours end at 5:00 and he called at 5:15). He was annoyed because they were waiting for me to go pick DS up at school and I was holding MIL up from being able to see DS. WTF? Why do they need me to be there?

Same thing with this morning. I had to get to work and DH was staying home with MIL and so they took DS to school but he wanted me to wait to leave until after they got home because he had scheduled a contractor to come. But he didn't tell me that until this morning so I got upset because I was going to be late but it just made me look bad in front of MIL, like an example of how I overreact.

-OP[/quote]

PP here just read the follow-up.

I would recommend that the day before she arrives, you sit down with DH and go over the schedule.  Remind him that you're planning to do x, y, and z, and that he's covering whatever pick ups drop offs, etc.  Remind him that his mother is primarily his responsibility, and that you are giving them some space so she can interact more with him and your son, presumably why she is here in the first place.

If you're feeling really petty (in other words, if he is being a real arse), remind him that one day with your MIL (say, 8 am to 8 pm) is equal to 3-4 evenings with your parents, which is...how often does he see them? Twice a month?  However many weeks/months worth of time he spends.  If you can make a time comparison like that in your favor, do it.  Also?  Tell him he can skip some visits with your family if he needs more time to himself.  Offer that, rather than spend 24-7 with your MIL.[/quote]

NP here. PP's answer here is very good -- read and heed, OP. I think this particular visit is already shot, and DH is not going to listen to you while his mom is actually there and demanding everyone's attention, but after she has left -- not immediately after, but at a time soon when things are calm, and your DH does not need to be somewhere else soon (not when he's on his way out to do something on the weekend, for example), tell him you need time and space for a talk. Do it when the kids are not around if at all possible so he can't say, "Oh, can this wait, Son is leaving for sport in X minutes" or whatever.

Then talk to him. Plan it. Do not improvise because that can lead to your sounding accusing or giving too many examples that he'll probably hear as complaints, which will cause him to stop listening. Use "When you do X, I feel Y" kinds of constructions -- not "You always do X (he'll balk at "always") and your mom is so Z towards me!"

Point out what PP says above. Note how this is his mom and you are trying to clear a way for him to see her as the adult child and his parent. Tell him maybe he hasn't realized that or maybe you weren't clear about it, but that is your goal. When you use examples, keep as calm and objective-sounding as you can (yes, you have every right to be mad, I agree, but sounding mad is going to shut him down when you want him to hear you). See if he can repeat back to you what you're saying: "So that's why I feel it's not practical for you and your mom to expect me to do X. Can you understand why I would feel that way, even if your mom does not?" See if he has heard you.

Do not go too far with the "X hours with your mom is equivalent to Y hours with my parents." That is indeed useful and I'd count it up, but take care this doesn't turn into nickel-and-diming time. He seems to resent your folks being close by -- bring that up with him if you can do it so it's neutral, and point out that with your parents you can just leave but with a house guest you cannot. He may never have thought of that. Do offer, as PP says, the option that he can have a certain amount of free passes to not do things with your family as long as he also agrees to doing certain amounts.

It sounds like his mom may put a lot of pressure on him when she is there. She may be feeding the idea of "Wife's parents see you more than I do and I want equal time!" Of course that's not realistic but emotionally it may be making him act like a jerk. It's an explanation, not an excuse, but it may help you see why he does this stuff.

As for its being rude for you to do things while she's around, tell him, "I'm sorry you see it that way but it is not rude, it is intended to let you see YOUR mother and interact with her and with DC as well. I'm going to still do things when she is here. She is a houseguest, not here for an afternoon. If she were here for one day it would be rude to absent myself but she's here longer. I hope you can see the difference, but if you can't, I'm sorry you feel that way."[/quote]

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