Frustrated with DH never doing what he says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5hoot his ass

LOL is the original phrase banned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is truly apologetic and you think he has good intentions, maybe he has ADHD. He reminds me a lot of my husband. We have a similar system to PP where he has a lot of set tasks he does every day, while I handle more unpredictable stuff. Also, LISTS. Lists everywhere.

Can't really help you with the not being home when he says he will thing, though. That makes me wonder if he is just avoiding chores at home...

I do believe he is sorry and has good intentions. I don't think he has ADHD at all. He actually has laser focus...for work. I do think a set of tasks with a list could help though.

Laser focus on one thing, oblivious to everything else? Classic ADHD! I think you might be getting your answer, OP. Can you gently bring this up with him?

I'm the first PP being quoted here - my DH can sit and work on his hobby for hours and hours (meanwhile tuning out everything else going on around him). It's like it takes all his mental energy to focus on the thing he actually wants to focus on, there's no attention left for anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is truly apologetic and you think he has good intentions, maybe he has ADHD. He reminds me a lot of my husband. We have a similar system to PP where he has a lot of set tasks he does every day, while I handle more unpredictable stuff. Also, LISTS. Lists everywhere.

Can't really help you with the not being home when he says he will thing, though. That makes me wonder if he is just avoiding chores at home...

I do believe he is sorry and has good intentions. I don't think he has ADHD at all. He actually has laser focus...for work. I do think a set of tasks with a list could help though.

People with ADHD can often have laser focus on a very specific thing (e.g. his current work project). It's the keeping track of all the various balls in the air that throws them.

Yes, but most successful people are very focused on what they do to the exclusion of other things.
This is how great things are done or how someone is productive. Consider the pharmaceutical industry as you rush to label this a 'disorder'.
http://www.sciencemag.org/careers/2006/05/scientific-success-what-s-love-got-do-it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about your husband, but mine has always been like this and it stems from pretty significant ADHD, which he is now only beginning to treat (at 55 years old).

ADHD is a dis-regulation of attention,which means that patients have a higher than normal propensity to tardy, disorganized and bored, as well as a higher than normal capacity to focus on things that are particularly interesting to them.

It is eminently treatable. For some it just takes more than half a lifetime to admit they have it

So, in other words you're going to treat the 'talent' and basic personality right out of the guy at 55 years of age so that he can do crap for you around the house? With an army of female therapists I'm sure. Sounds like a horror movie.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. I can understand how it sounds like ADHD but he has a job with 10-13hr days that unfortunately can't be changed right now. On top of that he has a commute of about 45 min each way...luckily not a bad one bc its a nice 15 min walk and then 30 min drive. I knew him before he had this job and he was much more lets say well-rounded for lack of a better word. He is very afraid of losing his job and wants to do well at it so I do think he doesn't say no when others might. He is not totally paranoid bc he is an attorney and people do get laid off for low hours, etc.

I don't even really expect him to do more than he is doing. I just wish he would stop saying he would do things and then not. Our division of labor is pretty fair but it makes me insanely frustrated (and sets me back in what I am trying to get done) when he says he will do x,y,z and then doesn't bc in the meantime I could have done it myself or hired someone. Money is not free flowing so I know he is trying to save us a buck by doing things but he just doesn't appear to have the time. I think more than anything he wants to be the kind of person who can do stuff but then when it comes time to do it he is too tired or literally still at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about your husband, but mine has always been like this and it stems from pretty significant ADHD, which he is now only beginning to treat (at 55 years old).

ADHD is a dis-regulation of attention,which means that patients have a higher than normal propensity to tardy, disorganized and bored, as well as a higher than normal capacity to focus on things that are particularly interesting to them.

It is eminently treatable. For some it just takes more than half a lifetime to admit they have it

So, in other words you're going to treat the 'talent' and basic personality right out of the guy at 55 years of age so that he can do crap for you around the house? With an army of female therapists I'm sure. Sounds like a horror movie.

A man regularly commits to do basic adult tasks and then flakes with no notice.

A) He is clearly a talented genius and his wife should handle all the things that might hold him back from acheiving greatness (such as keeping their children alive, their home in good repair and ensuring there is food to eat). Any suggestion that this is actually a problem is a sign of a vast feminist conspiracy to neuter virile alpha males.

B) This dude is struggling and needs to get his shit together. If he is truly incapable of committing to and carrying out basic adult tasks on a regular basis, perhaps he should speak to a professional to explore whether he is coping poorly with an underlying issue.

Sure. A sounds very plausible and not like you are insecure and neurotic.

[Anonymous]

let me know if you figure out an answer, OP. my DH really has gotten better about this over the years, but is still terrible by any objective metric. like, half the things he says he will do he never even attempts to do. if I harass him, I end up following him around and being a nag AND it takes as much (or nearly as much) mental energy as just doing it myself. so, mostly I just do it myself. but half the things he says he will do is better than none of the things.

and while I hate giving people gold stars for basic or marginal competence, I have been trying to openly and verbally appreciate what he does do. mentally for me, it actually kind of helps that he travels a lot for work. he is gone at least one week a month, which serves as a good reminder that I don't usually keep the ship running solely on my own.

the other thing that has helped a little is talking about how his brain works. he will say yes to things which sound like good ideas with no plans of how and when to do them because he aspires to do them at some indeterminate point in the future and he feels like "yes" is the right answer. like, if I say, "do you want to take the kids to the circus next weekend", he'll say "yes, definitely! what a great idea! I think DD1 would love it!" I need to follow up with "shall I get tickets for all 4 of us on Saturday morning?" or "will you buy tickets today for all 4 of us for Saturday morning?" he'll generally give me a shocked look and say something like "oh, gosh, I'm not sure, I have a meeting with Bob sometime over the weekend and a memo due on Monday. I'm not sure I actually have time to go to the circus." because I go about expecting that we have plans for the circus and buy tickets and plan our transportation, I will learn on Saturday morning that he has a meeting and can't go. plans to do laundry or clean up his office are similar. so, basically, I never take his statements and plans as real unless accompanied by a concrete plan. and he has learned to clarify (sometimes) that he needs to check his calendar/make sure he can really do it. I also have him put big deadlines and such on our shared calendar so that I can predict when he is just going to disappear into the office for a week.

I also remind him that he would never treat his work this way, telling a client yes and then just not getting it done. While it annoys me sometimes that family time and tasks are another job to him, well it is a job, and it seems to help him to conceive of it that way.

[Anonymous]

Similar to my DH. I'm convinced it's ADD. My Dh starts SO many projects. He likes lists though, so I make punch lists to finish projects. Something also that helps is going over what projects we want to work on this weekend. It helps him gain focus. I will ask "what do you want to work on tonight?" It also helps that I turn off the TV and am not relaxing myself.

[Anonymous]

You may be a nag? So he just wants to not listen anymore. Not being snarky. There are two sides to this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about your husband, but mine has always been like this and it stems from pretty significant ADHD, which he is now only beginning to treat (at 55 years old).

ADHD is a dis-regulation of attention,which means that patients have a higher than normal propensity to tardy, disorganized and bored, as well as a higher than normal capacity to focus on things that are particularly interesting to them.

It is eminently treatable. For some it just takes more than half a lifetime to admit they have it

So, in other words you're going to treat the 'talent' and basic personality right out of the guy at 55 years of age so that he can do crap for you around the house? With an army of female therapists I'm sure. Sounds like a horror movie.

LOL, so F-ing true. My wife came up with her diagnosis of me at around 55 yrs. All I could say was "Jesus". Be it so or not, I'm not changing who I am with medicine. I don't need or want some damn diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:let me know if you figure out an answer, OP. my DH really has gotten better about this over the years, but is still terrible by any objective metric. like, half the things he says he will do he never even attempts to do. if I harass him, I end up following him around and being a nag AND it takes as much (or nearly as much) mental energy as just doing it myself. so, mostly I just do it myself. but half the things he says he will do is better than none of the things.

and while I hate giving people gold stars for basic or marginal competence, I have been trying to openly and verbally appreciate what he does do. mentally for me, it actually kind of helps that he travels a lot for work. he is gone at least one week a month, which serves as a good reminder that I don't usually keep the ship running solely on my own.

the other thing that has helped a little is talking about how his brain works. he will say yes to things which sound like good ideas with no plans of how and when to do them because he aspires to do them at some indeterminate point in the future and he feels like "yes" is the right answer. like, if I say, "do you want to take the kids to the circus next weekend", he'll say "yes, definitely! what a great idea! I think DD1 would love it!" I need to follow up with "shall I get tickets for all 4 of us on Saturday morning?" or "will you buy tickets today for all 4 of us for Saturday morning?" he'll generally give me a shocked look and say something like "oh, gosh, I'm not sure, I have a meeting with Bob sometime over the weekend and a memo due on Monday. I'm not sure I actually have time to go to the circus." because I go about expecting that we have plans for the circus and buy tickets and plan our transportation, I will learn on Saturday morning that he has a meeting and can't go. plans to do laundry or clean up his office are similar. so, basically, I never take his statements and plans as real unless accompanied by a concrete plan. and he has learned to clarify (sometimes) that he needs to check his calendar/make sure he can really do it. I also have him put big deadlines and such on our shared calendar so that I can predict when he is just going to disappear into the office for a week.

I also remind him that he would never treat his work this way, telling a client yes and then just not getting it done. While it annoys me sometimes that family time and tasks are another job to him, well it is a job, and it seems to help him to conceive of it that way.

My dh is so similar. He complains incessantly about having too much to do, but when someone says "hey I need help with a household project," he says "no problem." He says it'll take 2 hours on a Saturday afternoon. When even I can tell it will take several hours, then he'll need to order a part and come back Wednesday night, then all day the following Saturday. And he does not learn from the past. It's so strange.

[Anonymous]

[raises hand] DH is the same and I have also personally diagnosed him as ADD, etc. Now that I realize this may be more common that I thought....

Alternative idea for discussion: Rather than an epidemic of ADD amount adult men, could this rather be the insidious side effects of misogyny? If women do this sort of thing they are seen as flaky and unreliable which makes them a) unmarriable and b) a bad employee. Men get away with it in the workplace all the time with simple explanations like "I didn't get to that yet" or similar. Maybe as women we were trained by cultural norms and pressures our male partners didn't grow up with? Just a thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never is home when he says he will be, never does stuff around the house he says he will, never finishes any projects. All he does is work and then work later than he said he would. We have two young children and I am just venting for the most part. Just so damn frustrated.

Has he looked into his "type" - http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/ ?

After finding out my husband is ENFP and I'm INTJ, it helps to understand him and our differences so much better. I still get frustrated, sure. But I understand his brain works totally different than mine.

Oh, please, bunch of psycho nonsense. How long are women going to avoid the truth? That men are lazy slobs at home? Because people like you let them? How many excuses can women come up with for men? It is pathetic. He is avoiding the home with two small kids, bcs he is a jerk. I bet you if she left him and the kids tomorrow, he would find a way to do everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. I can understand how it sounds like ADHD but he has a job with 10-13hr days that unfortunately can't be changed right now. On top of that he has a commute of about 45 min each way...luckily not a bad one bc its a nice 15 min walk and then 30 min drive. I knew him before he had this job and he was much more lets say well-rounded for lack of a better word. He is very afraid of losing his job and wants to do well at it so I do think he doesn't say no when others might. He is not totally paranoid bc he is an attorney and people do get laid off for low hours, etc.

I don't even really expect him to do more than he is doing. I just wish he would stop saying he would do things and then not. Our division of labor is pretty fair but it makes me insanely frustrated (and sets me back in what I am trying to get done) when he says he will do x,y,z and then doesn't bc in the meantime I could have done it myself or hired someone. Money is not free flowing so I know he is trying to save us a buck by doing things but he just doesn't appear to have the time. I think more than anything he wants to be the kind of person who can do stuff but then when it comes time to do it he is too tired or literally still at the office.

I would lower your expectations for what he can feasibly get done. My MIL is like this. She will promise a million things and in her heart, I know she'd like to do them for us, but in reality, she can't make them happen. I have lowered my expectations such that when she actually does come through with something, I am pleasantly surprised! I also concur that it is probably undiagnosed ADHD/ADD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[raises hand] DH is the same and I have also personally diagnosed him as ADD, etc. Now that I realize this may be more common that I thought....

Alternative idea for discussion: Rather than an epidemic of ADD amount adult men, could this rather be the insidious side effects of misogyny? If women do this sort of thing they are seen as flaky and unreliable which makes them a) unmarriable and b) a bad employee. Men get away with it in the workplace all the time with simple explanations like "I didn't get to that yet" or similar. Maybe as women we were trained by cultural norms and pressures our male partners didn't grow up with? Just a thought...

As I expressed above, this is misogyny indeed, because they can, because people find excuses, because men are "not supposed to" clean and take care. because woman act like he is doing them a favor. I am not a feminist, I am just a woman who knows bs when she sees it, and yes in my own DH too. How fast he cleans when I just don't, you'd be amazed.