Frustrated with DH never doing what he says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[raises hand] DH is the same and I have also personally diagnosed him as ADD, etc. Now that I realize this may be more common that I thought....

Alternative idea for discussion: Rather than an epidemic of ADD amount adult men, could this rather be the insidious side effects of misogyny? If women do this sort of thing they are seen as flaky and unreliable which makes them a) unmarriable and b) a bad employee. Men get away with it in the workplace all the time with simple explanations like "I didn't get to that yet" or similar. Maybe as women we were trained by cultural norms and pressures our male partners didn't grow up with? Just a thought...

As I expressed above, this is misogyny indeed, because they can, because people find excuses, because men are "not supposed to" clean and take care. because woman act like he is doing them a favor. I am not a feminist, I am just a woman who knows bs when she sees it, and yes in my own DH too. How fast he cleans when I just don't, you'd be amazed.

PP here, Agree! I guess I want to give my DH a pass on it being particular to housework. I don't think it is in his case. I don't think it's intentional misogyny on his part but rather a general difference in approach tied to the differences in our need to work hard to get what we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[raises hand] DH is the same and I have also personally diagnosed him as ADD, etc. Now that I realize this may be more common that I thought....

Alternative idea for discussion: Rather than an epidemic of ADD amount adult men, could this rather be the insidious side effects of misogyny? If women do this sort of thing they are seen as flaky and unreliable which makes them a) unmarriable and b) a bad employee. Men get away with it in the workplace all the time with simple explanations like "I didn't get to that yet" or similar. Maybe as women we were trained by cultural norms and pressures our male partners didn't grow up with? Just a thought...

As I expressed above, this is misogyny indeed, because they can, because people find excuses, because men are "not supposed to" clean and take care. because woman act like he is doing them a favor. I am not a feminist, I am just a woman who knows bs when she sees it, and yes in my own DH too. How fast he cleans when I just don't, you'd be amazed.

PP here, Agree! I guess I want to give my DH a pass on it being particular to housework. I don't think it is in his case. I don't think it's intentional misogyny on his part but rather a general difference in approach tied to the differences in our need to work hard to get what we want.

So true. My DH somehow has the will to wake up at 5am to work on his "antique" car, but housework? No, and pretends he doesn't know what needs to be done. For example, bathroom cleaning involved half a** wiping of the sink. And then putting a new lock on the back door will take 2 days....Why? So he can pretend to be busy to avoid any actual housework. If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck... it must be a duck.

[Anonymous]

Every time a man won't follow orders he has to be diagnosed with something. "If he can't see I'm right he must have ______!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time a man won't follow orders he has to be diagnosed with something. "If he can't see I'm right he must have ______!"

Lazyhousetitis? "My DW says I have ADHD, so I will sit in the drive way drinking beer after beer, pretending I am at Home Depot figuring out what I need, and then when she sees me, I will pretend I just got home and dozed off, bcs, you know I have ADHD?"
Wife:" Oh my poor darling, I know you have ADHD, even though you just managed to get your client a not guilty verdict on tow accounts of murder, possession of murder weapon and being found on the scene. It is too much for him, let me go get him another beer so he doesn't suffer, painting that one door is just too difficult for him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time a man won't follow orders he has to be diagnosed with something. "If he can't see I'm right he must have ______!"

Lazyhousetitis? "My DW says I have ADHD, so I will sit in the drive way drinking beer after beer, pretending I am at Home Depot figuring out what I need, and then when she sees me, I will pretend I just got home and dozed off, bcs, you know I have ADHD?"
Wife:" Oh my poor darling, I know you have ADHD, even though you just managed to get your client a not guilty verdict on tow accounts of murder, possession of murder weapon and being found on the scene. It is too much for him, let me go get him another beer so he doesn't suffer, painting that one door is just too difficult for him."

^^two

[Anonymous]

To add, the reason they find these "projects" is so they do not actually help with the kids and house cleaning on the weekends, even for five minutes.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm pretty sure my DH has ADD because even on medication he has a lot of the same problems at work I see at home. I would say that it has to be pretty awful for him, but he's also not very clued in to other people, so he rarely picks up on how annoyed people are with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop the f---ing whining and take him on. He's acting like an ass and you are putting up with it. Deal with it. You are being subservient to his laziness and he is getting away with it.

The man is at work. Not just screwing around. I think that lazy is a pretty ridiculous label. Workaholic, probably. But far from lazy.

[Anonymous]

DH of 10:18 posting here.

I've had trouble my entire life with time and priority management, I can focus all day long on trivial things that interest me, but somedays have an almost impossible time keeping my focus and energy on things I know are the most important. Even if these are trivial things like - take out the dog, finish washing the dishes, remember to email that document, can feel like impossible tasks to get too or complete in light of my whole day. I'm a chronic people pleaser, so I always want to say yes to events or projects, even though I often know that I probably can't do it. I'm terrible at estimating how long most projects take because, while I might be on the money that installing the new cabinet drawers will take 4 hours, I forget to factor in the extra hour I need to cut the blocking, the 2 hours I'll spend going to the hardware store to find the screws I forgot I needed, and the fact that my DS will only take a 45 minute nap that day, and DW will be out running errands so I'll need to watch him while I'm trying to finish the cabinets.

All of these things can pile up, and I will feel like I'm just constantly nagged by everyone around me, that no matter how much I accomplish, there's some secret list of things I never realized I needed to do in everyone else's head. At it's worst, it can lead me to feeling like a victim of my circumstances: the world around me is out to make sure I NEVER get ahead, I'm unfairly judged on the amount of time things take me, and it's because I live in a city full of (and am married too) over-achiever's who don't understand that "normal" people like me aren't interested in living off a calendar and I like to take my time to make sure things are "perfect" when I do projects.

The feeling described above is what, IMHO, often keeps me from actually dealing with the core issues of time management, and doing what I say I'll do. I would bet that most of you married to men similar to me, also deal with the repercussions of this perspective and it's probably one of the things that really gets you frustrated. I know my DW has. If I think I'm the victim of my circumstances, that makes me automatically defensive and combative when you remind me about something I forgot, or ask how much longer I'll be working. It means that deep down, I don't think I need to change and the problem is external. By choosing to be a victim of circumstance, I'm forfeiting my agency to change how I react to and deal with the world around me, forgoing ever having to do the hard work of change ("that's just the way I am") and maintaining a sort of weird control of these situations by choosing to fail before ever embarking on the task. It fits the narrative that I've built myself, and even though it's destructive to relationships and situations around me, it feels safe because it's where I've lived for so long.

I think in the past few years, we've finally been able to have more open conversations about this, and that's helped a lot. Some of this is my DW having the patience to listen and try to understand where I'm coming from, but it's also me intentionally putting down my defenses so that I can actually hear what she's saying (which is really hard for me, but definitely necessary). She's helped me realize I'm NOT a victim of my circumstances, and that actually, I can make a changes that will help improve how I prioritize tasks and manage my time. It also means that I might realize that my DW isn't trying to scold me or nag me about those dishes, they just need to get done, and she's trying to help me remember that THAT task is what's important, rather than me spending the rest of the night trying to fix a door handle that I noticed was crooked but really doesn't matter at the moment that it gets "fixed". It's taken lots of hard conversations to get to where we are now, and I still have long way to go. I've never taken medication to address these issues, my mom was always trying to find something to treat what she thought was ADD (and it probably is) when I was growing up, but I just hated the thought of relying on medication. In hindsight, it might have helped, but it also might not be the answer.

Not really sure how helpful this post will be to all you frustrated spouses, but I'm hoping it will give you a perspective on why he's being so defensive, or why he always promises to get better and never does. Obviously, everyone's different, and the whole being perceived as a victim thing may not actually be an issue for some, but I think it really complicates the problem for a lot of folks.

[Anonymous]

Dear pp 11:33, nobody likes to walk the dog, clean the dishes, and sinks and do other household chores. Apart from some OCD people. While I appreciate your perspective on the issue, when both spouses are working, and then one can't be bothered with "trivial" household chores, that leaves the other spouse with having to do it, because you decided that somebody is judging you on your ability to do this or that. You are defensive as a passive aggressive tactic which means you are just finding somebody else to blame for your short comings. If both spouses come home from work at 6pm, and have to feed the kids, take out the trash, do the laundry, cook, clean and you are attacking your spouse because you are lazy, that is wrong, wrong, wrong and you know it. You might or might not have ADD, clearly I can't know that. But, by that logic majority of men has ADD, and that is just not possible.

[Anonymous]

Amen to all the folks busting through the ADD/ADHD responses. Sure, that could be the case in some people but honestly... as PP said, is there really an epidemic of ADD in 40-60 yr old DHs in the DC metro area? please.

Also regardless of whether or not there is some kind of diagnosis, the impact on the DW is real. so deal with the reality and follow through, men!

I am so so sick of the cultural trope of the useless, forgetful, bumbling husband. what a load of crap! these guys are capable of being attorneys or consultants or something by day but then they can't/wont/dont/forget trash night?

I say this as someone with a DH who also doesn't do what he says, come home when he says, remember the trash, etc etc. so so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Drug him and make him wear a pussy hat. He'll straighten up.

[TwistdMike]

Squirrel...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH of 10:18 posting here.

I've had trouble my entire life with time and priority management, I can focus all day long on trivial things that interest me, but somedays have an almost impossible time keeping my focus and energy on things I know are the most important. Even if these are trivial things like - take out the dog, finish washing the dishes, remember to email that document, can feel like impossible tasks to get too or complete in light of my whole day. I'm a chronic people pleaser, so I always want to say yes to events or projects, even though I often know that I probably can't do it. I'm terrible at estimating how long most projects take because, while I might be on the money that installing the new cabinet drawers will take 4 hours, I forget to factor in the extra hour I need to cut the blocking, the 2 hours I'll spend going to the hardware store to find the screws I forgot I needed, and the fact that my DS will only take a 45 minute nap that day, and DW will be out running errands so I'll need to watch him while I'm trying to finish the cabinets.

All of these things can pile up, and I will feel like I'm just constantly nagged by everyone around me, that no matter how much I accomplish, there's some secret list of things I never realized I needed to do in everyone else's head. At it's worst, it can lead me to feeling like a victim of my circumstances: the world around me is out to make sure I NEVER get ahead, I'm unfairly judged on the amount of time things take me, and it's because I live in a city full of (and am married too) over-achiever's who don't understand that "normal" people like me aren't interested in living off a calendar and I like to take my time to make sure things are "perfect" when I do projects.

The feeling described above is what, IMHO, often keeps me from actually dealing with the core issues of time management, and doing what I say I'll do. I would bet that most of you married to men similar to me, also deal with the repercussions of this perspective and it's probably one of the things that really gets you frustrated. I know my DW has. If I think I'm the victim of my circumstances, that makes me automatically defensive and combative when you remind me about something I forgot, or ask how much longer I'll be working. It means that deep down, I don't think I need to change and the problem is external. By choosing to be a victim of circumstance, I'm forfeiting my agency to change how I react to and deal with the world around me, forgoing ever having to do the hard work of change ("that's just the way I am") and maintaining a sort of weird control of these situations by choosing to fail before ever embarking on the task. It fits the narrative that I've built myself, and even though it's destructive to relationships and situations around me, it feels safe because it's where I've lived for so long.

I think in the past few years, we've finally been able to have more open conversations about this, and that's helped a lot. Some of this is my DW having the patience to listen and try to understand where I'm coming from, but it's also me intentionally putting down my defenses so that I can actually hear what she's saying (which is really hard for me, but definitely necessary). She's helped me realize I'm NOT a victim of my circumstances, and that actually, I can make a changes that will help improve how I prioritize tasks and manage my time. It also means that I might realize that my DW isn't trying to scold me or nag me about those dishes, they just need to get done, and she's trying to help me remember that THAT task is what's important, rather than me spending the rest of the night trying to fix a door handle that I noticed was crooked but really doesn't matter at the moment that it gets "fixed". It's taken lots of hard conversations to get to where we are now, and I still have long way to go. I've never taken medication to address these issues, my mom was always trying to find something to treat what she thought was ADD (and it probably is) when I was growing up, but I just hated the thought of relying on medication. In hindsight, it might have helped, but it also might not be the answer.

Not really sure how helpful this post will be to all you frustrated spouses, but I'm hoping it will give you a perspective on why he's being so defensive, or why he always promises to get better and never does. Obviously, everyone's different, and the whole being perceived as a victim thing may not actually be an issue for some, but I think it really complicates the problem for a lot of folks.

You have Asperger's, not ADHD.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were young teens, I had a chore list with days and times that things HAD TO BE DONE. Something written down and in plain view might help.