Feeling hopeless about relationship with a**h*** DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he sounds a lot like my dh and I have tried everything (including therapy, couples and individual), but nothing has worked. I would have done anything to avoid putting our child through a divorce. My last attempt included being the Best Wife Ever to him and on my own enjoying time with our child and pursuing my own interests. Well, I think I stroked his ego too much, because after a couple of years (where he actually seemed really happy) he started an emotional affair with a younger, former co-worker. The affair ended after a couple of months, but now I'm just done.

The only things that actually "work" with my dh are (1) using reverse psychology and (2) never, ever letting him see what hurts me. If you take the things your dh is doing that hurt you the most and change your reaction to the exact opposite, his payoff will end (not right away, but pretty quickly) and he will stop that particular behavior.

You really have to make a plan and get out. Your child is young enough not to remember a time when you lived together and having you and dh in separate homes will seem normal.

This is good advice, but I don't know how I can hide that the way he uses DD against me doesn't hurt me. Maybe what I need to do is prevent these situations from occurring, I will need to think about how to do that since DD is always there.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've been having problems for a while. Why on earth did you have a child with him??

[Anonymous]

OP here responding to a couple PPs. DH is not stressed because he has to support all of us and if he is, that is on him. When we got married, he told me the "magic number" in savings he felt we would need to retire. Well, we hit it, but since he made partner, he has adjusted that number higher and higher to what is a ridiculous amount. I live modestly and he isn't the hugest spender either (though more so than me, for sure) so I don't know why we need so much money. I gave up my own career as an attorney (which I have regrets about now), a decision he actively encouraged.

I wouldn't care if he watched reruns on TV Land 10 hours straight if he was still there for me and DD. The reality is that he is always tired, complains about it regularly, and uses this as a reason to NEVER help out with DD during the week. He will be up watching TV until 2 in the morning, then sleep in until 10 a.m. It would be great if just one morning a week, he could get up with DD so I could sleep in or maybe go for a run. I'm not a big tv-watcher, but now I watch it with him in the evening to spend time with him. We used to run together in the mornings, hike and play tennis on the weekends. Since DD, he's given up all sport (which was one way for us to spend time together), but he still watches as much TV as before. I don't micromanage his TV viewing, but it does not make me happy and sometimes, yes I will let it show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you've been having problems for a while. Why on earth did you have a child with him??

I waited as long as I did because I waited for things to get better, which they did. They weren't perfect, but good enough that I felt comfortable having a child with him. I had NO IDEA that this was how DH would approach fatherhood and family life.

[Anonymous]

Oh well - welcome to the reality of life.
It ain't rainbows and unicorns and happily ever afters.
Make do.

[Anonymous]

You have a 2 year old and you think you should both retire? FFS. Of course he needs more money now, he is thinking of college and maybe private school and all the expense of a kid...God forbid she have medical needs at some point. that is stressful and no way would I retire from a well paying job with kids not yet in college.

You need to back off him. You are a SAH mom to a law firm partner. It isn't like you didn't know since you were a lawyer too. You signed up to do kid duty.

I recommend using some of all that money to hire yourself help and just leave him alone with the demands. It wil be a relief to you both.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP that asked if your DH was a lawyer. My DH and I are both lawyers too, and I stopped working when we had DC1, so basically same situation as you are in now, including DH being really stressed out, short and unhelpful then.

I think you really need to hire help. If you want to go running in the morning, hire a part time sitter to come in the morning. I know DH is a parent too and should pitch in and all that, but we both know how much a law firm partner has to work. I understand your current situation is not what you signed up for, and you'd like a husband that has a less stressful job and OK with having less money, but unless you are willing to walk away from it all and divorce, you have to work with what you have.

Now is the time to throw money at the problem - babysitting, house cleaning, hire all the help so that you are not resentful. And let DH watch TV - obviously that's how he de-stresses. Just give him a lot of room, do not mentally count on him for anything.

My kids are in school now and I started working very part time. My DH is more settled at his job and an active parent, though I am certainly the 'default' caregiver - which I want to be. I am glad we put our head down and worked through the difficult young kids years. Best of luck to you and your family!

[Anonymous]

I have a partner DH who can be kind of a stressed out ahole too. And 3 kids. And I'm a lawyer, but I never gave up my career (so happily!!). Here's the thing - let go of all conventional expectations. Those people whose husbands get the kids off to school in the morning or cut the grass are not married to guys under the same pressure or making the same money. Get yourself a babysitter, nanny, gardeners, whatever. I pretty much had to just stop asking g my husband for any help because it would just piss him off. I was always working a sucked up a lot of the childcare and housework too. Kids are teens now and he does a lot more with them, but honestly, don't compare your partnership with him to others or have the same domestic expectations because you are not similarly situated to other people. And, sorry he's an a-hole. That still sucks so matter the reason.

[Anonymous]

Google gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to a couple PPs. DH is not stressed because he has to support all of us and if he is, that is on him. When we got married, he told me the "magic number" in savings he felt we would need to retire. Well, we hit it, but since he made partner, he has adjusted that number higher and higher to what is a ridiculous amount. I live modestly and he isn't the hugest spender either (though more so than me, for sure) so I don't know why we need so much money. I gave up my own career as an attorney (which I have regrets about now), a decision he actively encouraged.

I wouldn't care if he watched reruns on TV Land 10 hours straight if he was still there for me and DD. The reality is that he is always tired, complains about it regularly, and uses this as a reason to NEVER help out with DD during the week. He will be up watching TV until 2 in the morning, then sleep in until 10 a.m. It would be great if just one morning a week, he could get up with DD so I could sleep in or maybe go for a run. I'm not a big tv-watcher, but now I watch it with him in the evening to spend time with him. We used to run together in the mornings, hike and play tennis on the weekends. Since DD, he's given up all sport (which was one way for us to spend time together), but he still watches as much TV as before. I don't micromanage his TV viewing, but it does not make me happy and sometimes, yes I will let it show.

Sleeps until 10AM most days? What kind of law firm allows this guy to be a partner? We start later than the average office, but even senior partners aren't wandering in at 11 after not working the night before to get more tv watching in.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells. You still look young- that might not be the case in a few years. Isn't it better to find someone you truly love and- at the very least- feel comfortable and safe with?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you both can see another therapist together since the previous one did not help out in any way.

Stress to your husband how you feel about his behavior & how important it is for your marriage for him to change his ways.

The best time to have this conversation is when he is in a good + gentle mood.
Do not bring it up when he is full-on stressed and angry.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH a lawyer or banker? I went through a period of short tempered as$&@& DH when he was in a terrible situation at work. What I did was basically not count on him for anything and give him a lot of space - I hired childcare and household help and told him if he has to work, to go into the office. I was pregnant with DC2 so was going to bed at 8:30pm, meaning basically I never saw him. Obviously this is temporary and not sustainable long term - DH got a new better job and calmed the f$&@ down. It wasn't a great time in our marriage, but we've been together a long time and I believed it was a temporary situation.

This is OP and yes, DH is a lawyer. Obvious, right? Part of my hopelessness is that he will not consider getting another job. I was very involved in his last job search and he got very, very lucky to find his current job, none of his other prospects came anywhere close. If he were to change firms, he would have to take a huge cut (like over 50%) in compensation and lose job security. So we're stuck until he's ready to retire (I'm praying for five years).

So wait - you don't work? And were 'very involved in his last job search?' He's stressed because he's supporting all of you. It doesn't make his behavior OK, but I have to agree with PP - you sound exhausting ("my loving comment ..." blech.

A lawyers salary can support your family and 4 others at the same time, dummy. Its what they do.
If they aren't earning a high salary they are often unhappy. He's not stressed to be suporting his family he's stressed because that's the nature of the job but if he quit he'd probably be more stressed (ego?).

Someone needs to care for the children because he probably has no time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you both can see another therapist together since the previous one did not help out in any way.

Stress to your husband how you feel about his behavior & how important it is for your marriage for him to change his ways.

The best time to have this conversation is when he is in a good + gentle mood.
Do not bring it up when he is full-on stressed and angry.

Good luck!

So dumb and clueless..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here responding to a couple PPs. DH is not stressed because he has to support all of us and if he is, that is on him. When we got married, he told me the "magic number" in savings he felt we would need to retire. Well, we hit it, but since he made partner, he has adjusted that number higher and higher to what is a ridiculous amount. I live modestly and he isn't the hugest spender either (though more so than me, for sure) so I don't know why we need so much money. I gave up my own career as an attorney (which I have regrets about now), a decision he actively encouraged.

I wouldn't care if he watched reruns on TV Land 10 hours straight if he was still there for me and DD. The reality is that he is always tired, complains about it regularly, and uses this as a reason to NEVER help out with DD during the week. He will be up watching TV until 2 in the morning, then sleep in until 10 a.m. It would be great if just one morning a week, he could get up with DD so I could sleep in or maybe go for a run. I'm not a big tv-watcher, but now I watch it with him in the evening to spend time with him. We used to run together in the mornings, hike and play tennis on the weekends. Since DD, he's given up all sport (which was one way for us to spend time together), but he still watches as much TV as before. I don't micromanage his TV viewing, but it does not make me happy and sometimes, yes I will let it show.

Sleeps until 10AM most days? What kind of law firm allows this guy to be a partner? We start later than the average office, but even senior partners aren't wandering in at 11 after not working the night before to get more tv watching in.

I had the same thought.