Buying Car for (Step) Daughter... Mom wants input

[Anonymous]

Hi ... I am the OP... Thank you so much for your replies.

Please rest assured, my stepdaughter has had maximum input own what car she will get. My main concern about her mother sticking her nose into this is that it is highly likely that at least for this summer my stepdaughter will be living with her. In the past we have had conflict/issues (I feel like those are too strong, but for the sake of this thread... they will do) because her mom likes to pull the "do what I say because I am your mother and I would not steer you wrong" card. This causes my stepdaughter to not stand up for herself because she feels bullied into going along with her mom. For example, the summer after she graduated from high school she got a job that was close to my house (Reston) so she continued to live with me (even though she was over 18 and no longer in school so I was not her guardian). She also had an internship in DC 3 days a week. Her mother complained so much about them not getting to spend time together that she quit both the job and the internship because when she stayed with her mom in Loudoun it was too difficult to get to either commitment. Her mom then proceeded to complain because my stepdaughter never had any money and just laid around the house all day. Also, when school started and she wanted to get cute clothes (and a warm coat) to wear on campus she came to me to bail her out. I had to sit down with both of them and explain that there had been a plan in place and my stepdaughter would have had plenty of money to shop if she had worked as planned, but since her mother had suggested she quit her job maybe she should subsidize the shopping (needless to say this did not go over well).

I actually told my stepdaughter my budget and told her to provide me with a list of 5 cars she liked that fell in the budget. Most of the cars she picked were 4 door (because she wants to be able to ride around with her friends). The body types on two is just listed as sedan and one is a sports sedan, one is considered a cross over and one is considered an SUV (although on the small side).

Of the 5 cars she picked only one failed my safety/reliability/cost effectiveness criteria and that was one of the sedans. So, I honestly think she will not have an issue with whatever car she ends up getting.

We have all been there are young adults who did not want to disappoint our parents and it just makes me want to scream that her mom keeps putting my stepdaughter into these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, your step-daughter should have a say.

Second, my priorities would be fuel economy, safety, and cheap maintenance, since this is a young adult with little means. That unfortunately means something boring and practical like a Toyota Corolla or something.

Third, maybe you can choose a nice color she likes, or even spend more to have it custom-painted. You can also get the most luxurious trim package so that she feels happy driving it. It will still be a long-term bargain compared to a more expensive but less reliable car.

BMW - free maintenance for 3 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, put the title in both your SD and your name. That way she cant be bullied into exchanging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, put the title in both your SD and your name. That way she cant be bullied into exchanging it.

That's an option.

I would suggest explaining calmly to your step daughter what it would mean to trade the car immediately. Explain how a car loses value as soon as it's driven off the lot, how she would probably have to take a loan to make up the difference, etc.

I'll be honest I think this is more about control from the other parent. Her mom feels inadequate and has discovered how to control a situation and make silent digs at you. It's very passive aggressive.

Maybe buying her a car isn't the best option, maybe you should make a down payment, make the car payments for one year, and then transfer the loan to your step daughter for the remainder of the loan. That way she has some skin in the game.

[Anonymous]

okay - I have a clear picture what is going on. You need to stop managing your daughter's relationship with her mom.
Each time you step in it teaches your daughter that she is not able to stand her ground with her mother, and it likely makes mom feel like her daughter is siding with you (rather than making her own choice). You have got to work with your daughter (or pay for a few sessions of therapy) on identifying her own preferences, communicating them, and not being overly worried about what you or her mom think of her. Help your daughter figure our how to do this and will have given her a better gift than a car.

[Anonymous]

This is a college graduate. If she allows her mom to steamroll her, well, lesson learned by you. BTW, does the SD have a job yet? Who is paying for insurance, gas etc? Prior advice suggests adding your name to the title. Liability issues would keep me away from that. And, she will find out the hard way if she upgrades the car ....loan payments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi ... I am the OP... Thank you so much for your replies.

Please rest assured, my stepdaughter has had maximum input own what car she will get. My main concern about her mother sticking her nose into this is that it is highly likely that at least for this summer my stepdaughter will be living with her. In the past we have had conflict/issues (I feel like those are too strong, but for the sake of this thread... they will do) because her mom likes to pull the "do what I say because I am your mother and I would not steer you wrong" card. This causes my stepdaughter to not stand up for herself because she feels bullied into going along with her mom. For example, the summer after she graduated from high school she got a job that was close to my house (Reston) so she continued to live with me (even though she was over 18 and no longer in school so I was not her guardian). She also had an internship in DC 3 days a week. Her mother complained so much about them not getting to spend time together that she quit both the job and the internship because when she stayed with her mom in Loudoun it was too difficult to get to either commitment. Her mom then proceeded to complain because my stepdaughter never had any money and just laid around the house all day. Also, when school started and she wanted to get cute clothes (and a warm coat) to wear on campus she came to me to bail her out. I had to sit down with both of them and explain that there had been a plan in place and my stepdaughter would have had plenty of money to shop if she had worked as planned, but since her mother had suggested she quit her job maybe she should subsidize the shopping (needless to say this did not go over well).

I actually told my stepdaughter my budget and told her to provide me with a list of 5 cars she liked that fell in the budget. Most of the cars she picked were 4 door (because she wants to be able to ride around with her friends). The body types on two is just listed as sedan and one is a sports sedan, one is considered a cross over and one is considered an SUV (although on the small side).

Of the 5 cars she picked only one failed my safety/reliability/cost effectiveness criteria and that was one of the sedans. So, I honestly think she will not have an issue with whatever car she ends up getting.

We have all been there are young adults who did not want to disappoint our parents and it just makes me want to scream that her mom keeps putting my stepdaughter into these situations.

I'm another step mom. I like you. You are nerdy/analytical like me.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you sound like an amazing and fair stepmother. I would ignore what she said her mother said and just do what you think is right. Maybe she said it so you could both "commiserate" about her mother being crazy, maybe she agreed with what her mother said, or maybe she was just not thinking about repeating it.

My reference point here is that my parents are divorced and my mom will make comments that I would not repeat to my stepmother, but I'm older and more careful. My parents also divorced much older so I don't have as much history (though we get along well) with my stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, put the title in both your SD and your name. That way she cant be bullied into exchanging it.

Don't do that. If she is ever in an accident you can be sued as well.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue here is that you are blaming mom for SD's behavior. Yes, she is young and impressionable, but she is going to have to stand up for herself in many situations, including with her mom. Sit down and talk about the cute car comment. "SD, you know how much I love you and how proud I am that you are graduating. I am really excited to celebrate that achievement by getting a car for you, but I'm a little worried about a comment that you made. Are you truly considering reselling and buying a different car?"

See what she says. My guess is that she actually brought it up so that you would be the bad guy and put the kibosh on mom for her--SD doesn't want to offend you by selling the car and doesn't want to stand up to mom. Don't let her get away with it! You have to keep your relationship with her about HER, and she needs to figure out how to handle her mom on her own.

[Anonymous]

SD needs to learn that her mother is human and all humans make mistakes and give bad advice. She needs to know that when her mom says I'm your mom and won't steer you wrong that SD can say Mom, you're human and all humans make mistakes and give bad advice at times. I'm going to make my own decision on this. Maybe it's the right one, maybe it's the wrong one, but I'm making the best decsion I can for me at this time and I'll learn from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think your SD reported that conversation because she was hinting to you that SHE wants a car that's a little fun and not overly staid? What kind of car are you considering?

Agree with PP that you sound like a wonderful stepmother!

This is what I am thinking as well. What cars are you all three thinking because it seems like you all three want different ones?

[Anonymous]

I think it is hard for mom that even with dad gone, she isn't the only one (too bad for her, because step mom is there, reliable, and important).

I think that we can see why dad and step mom divorced. She is impulsive and step mom is methodical. Maybe mom is more fun, but life with her is apparently not so fun. (Step mom, I'm not so fun either but life with me is comfortable and uncomplicated so I get ya).

I can sympathize how hard it is for daughter, and though we can ask her to be more mature, parents can manipulate like no other. I am 50 and won't be free of step mom's manipulation of my dad until she finally dies (my situation isn't the same, except to say that it isn't even easy at 50.)

[Anonymous]

They won't sell it and buy something more fun because if it were fun and affordable, it already would have been on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a wonderful stepmother, and now you just have to bite your tongue and let this one roll off your back. The mother's comment was obnoxious. Maybe she's always obnoxious, maybe she's just feeling insecure because of the special gift you're about to buy her daughter, who knows. The daughter probably shouldn't have vented to you about it, but venting is all she's doing -- she doesn't want you to get a gratuitous slap in, even though it would feel good.

So, in other words, ignore and know that you are doing right by your stepdaughter.

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