Buying Car for (Step) Daughter... Mom wants input

[Anonymous]

I am going to try to make this brief and clear. My husband and his ex-wife divorced when my stepdaughter was 2. My husband and I started dating when she was 3 and got married when she was 7. She lived with us (and later our kids) until my husband passed away the summer before her senior year of high school. At my stepdaughter's request her mother allowed me to become her legal guardian until she she turned 18 so that she could still live with me and graduate from the high school she had been attending. She went to college on a full tuition scholarship out of state and will be graduating in May. She has no college loans and good (although very little) credit. Every college break she has split her time between my house and her mother's house and I have provided about half of her financial support since she has been in college. She does not have firm plans after college. She has applied to several jobs as well as graduate school (though she is leaning towards taking at least a year off).

The mom and I are friendly, but we are not friends. We do not hang out together but we have had occasions to interact and we have always been respectful and more than just cordial. Like most divorced parent ( I would imagine) we have had to compromise our parenting styles for the good of my stepdaughter and most of interactions have revolved around finances.

I am going to buy my stepdaughter a car for graduation. It is not a surprise, in fact we have been talking about this for 2 years. The other day when we talked she was frustrated because she said her mother kept dropping hints about the kind of car she should get. I asked her what difference did it make what her mom wanted, this is my gift to her so it is between the two of us. My stepdaughter said that her mother told her that if she (the mom) doesn't like the car (because you know how boring your stepmother can be) they should sell it and get something cuter. It has been a few days and I am trying to find the best way to handle this calmly. What I initially wanted to do is call her mother and cuss her out (just kidding... not really). Anyway, I am looking for the best way to handle this tactfully but forcefully.

[Anonymous]

My answer would be different if she were 16. But she's a grown woman! Keep it between the two of you. Guide her in doing research and picking a car that makes good sense according to her criteria (low maintenance, color, size, safety, whatever) and your budget.

[Anonymous]

I'd just ignore it. It's just talk. Maybe your stepdaughter shouldn't have shared with you. But it's your gift to another adult. Mom doesn't get a say. I assume you will either title it in your name or your step daughters? Not the mom's.

[Anonymous]

I would ignore the mother and keep it between you and step daughter. I could understand her wanting to get a safe car or mentioning considering gas mileage as any parent migbt but ultimately the step daughter is an adult and mom isn't paying so mom has no say. You saying anything to the mother will just cause problems. Rise above.

Is there a large difference in finances between you and the mother?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a wonderful stepmother, and now you just have to bite your tongue and let this one roll off your back. The mother's comment was obnoxious. Maybe she's always obnoxious, maybe she's just feeling insecure because of the special gift you're about to buy her daughter, who knows. The daughter probably shouldn't have vented to you about it, but venting is all she's doing -- she doesn't want you to get a gratuitous slap in, even though it would feel good.

So, in other words, ignore and know that you are doing right by your stepdaughter.

[Anonymous]

Mom is afraid you will buy a practical minivan she can grow into and she wants her daughter to have a fun flashy impractical sports car or SUV.

[Anonymous]

Agree - this is between you and your now adult step-daughter. Since she has told you this - IF she were to do as threatened the insult is coming from her and she would be telling you a lot by doing so. It would be really sad and insulting to you and I guess to the memory of her father but you have to keep this off it being the mother's responsibility as she can say whatever she wants but it would be this step-daughter following through. I hope you can communicate to you SD the truth of what this would be to her

[Anonymous]

First, your step-daughter should have a say.

Second, my priorities would be fuel economy, safety, and cheap maintenance, since this is a young adult with little means. That unfortunately means something boring and practical like a Toyota Corolla or something.

Third, maybe you can choose a nice color she likes, or even spend more to have it custom-painted. You can also get the most luxurious trim package so that she feels happy driving it. It will still be a long-term bargain compared to a more expensive but less reliable car.

[Anonymous]

This is easy. It seems hard because you're emotionally involved, so allow a neutral outsider to tell you this is easy.

Get the car you and SD choose. No reason for you to discuss it with mom at all. Any influence mom has on SD's decision is irrelevant to you. Anything mom talks SD into doing with car after you give it to her is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Presumably you and step daughter will choose this car together, right? She has been a great kid who doesn't play games, right? I think you need to be more careful next time to head off these conversations and then let this go.

[Anonymous]

Do you think your SD reported that conversation because she was hinting to you that SHE wants a car that's a little fun and not overly staid? What kind of car are you considering?

Agree with PP that you sound like a wonderful stepmother!

[Anonymous]

I think the step daughter is the one that wants a cuter car than the car you wanted for her and that's why she brought it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, your step-daughter should have a say.

Second, my priorities would be fuel economy, safety, and cheap maintenance, since this is a young adult with little means. That unfortunately means something boring and practical like a Toyota Corolla or something.

Third, maybe you can choose a nice color she likes, or even spend more to have it custom-painted. You can also get the most luxurious trim package so that she feels happy driving it. It will still be a long-term bargain compared to a more expensive but less reliable car.

No offense but this is an adult, you don't get to choose a Toyota Corolla just because she is poor and you know better than her. Why not a Mazda 3 if that's what she wants for instance?

[Anonymous]

9:22 here. I meant to add that it's possible the mother feels bad that she's not the one buying the car, so she's trying to participate in some way -- with these conversations with your SD.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, step daughter should be involved in the car purchase. Title should be in step daughter's name only. Only SD will be able to sell the vehicle if and when that time comes. Let the mom comment go--she sounds a little jealous of your generosity.