Can't crack the dating code

[Anonymous]

You need to lower the stakes -- way, way down. It's just a date. Just because someone "wows" you when they walk in the door doesn't mean that they are your soul mate. Lower.the.stakes.

Also, a little tough love -- you ARE being self-centered on your dates in that you seem to become entirely focused on selling yourself to the exclusion of actually getting to know the person sitting across from you. That's going to put women off, because a) you seem really into them without really knowing them and b) you seem very self-absorbed and then, c) you seem a bit desperate (sorry, OP).

The first step is self-awareness and mercifully, you seem to have it. Those that don't are really screwed, but you're not.
Just focus on forcing yourself to relax, to reign it in - and to actually get to know the woman before selling yourself. Ask questions about her, let her ask you questions about yourself.
And stop putting so much importance on the date just because you get a good impression when she walks through the door. You will feel desperate, lose your footing and lose her interest.

It's just a matter of getting perspective -- and then hopefully you will find it easier to just be yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just like you're not your best self on some of your first dates, the women that you're writing off may be equally not their best selves on that first date. Get over your idea that only 1 of those 15 women is worth your time and give them at least a second date.

It may just be what you posted, but your post makes you sound incredibly superficial and conceited.

[Anonymous]

Yes, don't be so quick to write off someone when they walk through the door. You are focused too much on the superficial, to your own detriment.

[Anonymous]

OP
I would focus my energy on the dates where you are yourself because you don't see a future with the woman. I mean unless these women grossly misrepresented themselves there must have been something to get you to even meet them. Give these women 5 dates and reassess your view of dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just like you're not your best self on some of your first dates, the women that you're writing off may be equally not their best selves on that first date. Get over your idea that only 1 of those 15 women is worth your time and give them at least a second date.

It may just be what you posted, but your post makes you sound incredibly superficial and conceited.

OP here. Some of the prior posts are helpful, but I disagree with this. Just because I know exactly what I am looking for doesn't mean I'm conceited. I'm not 24. I've been around the block. I know what traits (personality wise and physical) that work for me (that I'm "into"). That doesn't make me superficial. It just means I know myself well and my preferences. When I say 1/15 it's because only 1/15 really bring to the table what I'm looking for... so I up the ante and feel the need to sell myself hard because in my world she's scarce. It means I have to go on 14 more dates until I'm likely to find one that checks the boxes the way this one does.

[Anonymous]

OP, what traits are you looking for in a woman, just curious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just like you're not your best self on some of your first dates, the women that you're writing off may be equally not their best selves on that first date. Get over your idea that only 1 of those 15 women is worth your time and give them at least a second date.

It may just be what you posted, but your post makes you sound incredibly superficial and conceited.

OP here. Some of the prior posts are helpful, but I disagree with this. Just because I know exactly what I am looking for doesn't mean I'm conceited. I'm not 24. I've been around the block. I know what traits (personality wise and physical) that work for me (that I'm "into"). That doesn't make me superficial. It just means I know myself well and my preferences. When I say 1/15 it's because only 1/15 really bring to the table what I'm looking for... so I up the ante and feel the need to sell myself hard because in my world she's scarce. It means I have to go on 14 more dates until I'm likely to find one that checks the boxes the way this one does.

np here. Then continue doing what you are doing and continue being single. There's a reason you've had several long term relationships fail and at 33 are mystified at dating. No woman in her right mind is going to want a guy that holds her to a different standard than himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what traits are you looking for in a woman, just curious?

I'm curious about this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what traits are you looking for in a woman, just curious?

I have a feeling OP has unrealistic standards that even if he were to get past the first date things would end because a woman can never be as perfect as the image OP has in his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kills me. Invariably, I bomb on first dates with the people I'm most eager to make a good impression on. The date starts, I'm immediately smitten, and I just bring too much energy. An aura of "have to hit a home run" envelops over me and takes what is typically a witty, charming, and slightly sarcastic sense of humor and turns me into an intense overly-talkative salesman/resume pitcher. Of course the opposite is true when she walks in the door and I'm "meh" about it. In those cases, I'm immediately at ease knowing I have zero interest and I hit it out of the park with my normal laid back persona.

It sucks! I leave the dates I want to continue to get to know realizing that I've exhausted them and there likely won't be a second date. I know they say practice makes perfect, but I'm pretty experienced and still can't seem to get into the right state of mind when I really want to make a good impression. It's basically feeling extra pressure to perform since only 1/20 candidates might fit the "super excited" mold.

I think you should spend more time with the type of women where you automatically act as yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just like you're not your best self on some of your first dates, the women that you're writing off may be equally not their best selves on that first date. Get over your idea that only 1 of those 15 women is worth your time and give them at least a second date.

It may just be what you posted, but your post makes you sound incredibly superficial and conceited.

OP here. Some of the prior posts are helpful, but I disagree with this. Just because I know exactly what I am looking for doesn't mean I'm conceited. I'm not 24. I've been around the block. I know what traits (personality wise and physical) that work for me (that I'm "into"). That doesn't make me superficial. It just means I know myself well and my preferences. When I say 1/15 it's because only 1/15 really bring to the table what I'm looking for... so I up the ante and feel the need to sell myself hard because in my world she's scarce. It means I have to go on 14 more dates until I'm likely to find one that checks the boxes the way this one does.

np here. Then continue doing what you are doing and continue being single. There's a reason you've had several long term relationships fail and at 33 are mystified at dating. No woman in her right mind is going to want a guy that holds her to a different standard than himself.


Your standards are way too high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just like you're not your best self on some of your first dates, the women that you're writing off may be equally not their best selves on that first date. Get over your idea that only 1 of those 15 women is worth your time and give them at least a second date.

It may just be what you posted, but your post makes you sound incredibly superficial and conceited.

OP here. Some of the prior posts are helpful, but I disagree with this. Just because I know exactly what I am looking for doesn't mean I'm conceited. I'm not 24. I've been around the block. I know what traits (personality wise and physical) that work for me (that I'm "into"). That doesn't make me superficial. It just means I know myself well and my preferences. When I say 1/15 it's because only 1/15 really bring to the table what I'm looking for... so I up the ante and feel the need to sell myself hard because in my world she's scarce. It means I have to go on 14 more dates until I'm likely to find one that checks the boxes the way this one does.

np here. Then continue doing what you are doing and continue being single. There's a reason you've had several long term relationships fail and at 33 are mystified at dating. No woman in her right mind is going to want a guy that holds her to a different standard than himself.
+1 You sound annoying OP. I bet most of the dates are in it for the free meal.

[Anonymous]

Far from having too-high expectations, it sounds to me that OP has minor issues that cause him to be too nervous when he meets someone with potential. You have to realize that that the chances of things working out even with the "soulmates" you meet in life are low, so why not always go in open minded and without expectations, and see where things go over time? Being with a slow burner is so much more fun. Good luck OP, she's out there! Just relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what traits are you looking for in a woman, just curious?

I'm curious about this as well.

Actually what I'm looking for isn't especially coveted (i.e., not looking for blonde with thigh gap and 34 c's). I just have a type and it's not especially rare (at least the physical side of things). There are many women that look physically like what I'm interested in. The harder part is finding the personality and ambition to match. And I don't know why people assume I'm not bringing the same value to the table here. I've not said anything about myself. Obviously I'm able to get dates with the type of woman I'm looking for, but I don't perform well on the dates (that's the problem). Not being able to draw them in initially isn't.

[Anonymous]

Also, PPs are correct about coffee dates/drinks. That is what I do! Don't do meals/dinners.