Vent - DH won't talk about current events and it's stressing me out
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Anonymous
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Ask him what you can do to make it better for him. And listen to what he says. With respect. He is not you. He has a right to feel the way he does, and to find his way of coping through the moment. Right now he needs to pull back.
The enormity of the pustulating boil that's finally come to a head in this country is overwhelming a lot of people. Some vent and jump into action, and some need to step back until they can get their fear and emotions under control. |
Anonymous
I agree with the pp. What does her being a SAHM have anything to do with her opinions? Are you saying that only if you work you have the right to be upset and express your opinions? I hope not! |
Anonymous
| I do the same thing. This isn't healthy?? |
Anonymous
| No election has ever angered and divided people like this one. Reading the paper or watching the news can drive you nuts. Trump is to blame and so is the media. What's really sickening is to see the republicans in congress now supporting stuff that they always fought against - infrastructure spending, ending trade agreements. They are being to sound like democrats. |
Anonymous
Say what now? |
Anonymous
| Tell him to stop being childish. Trump is scary, but it won't help if we freeze. |
Anonymous
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So, my DH is conservative, I am not, and we have always tiptoed around politics a little, which is not so bad. The Trump phenomenon has been oddly unifying, since I think he might hate the guy even more than I do. But sometime during the campaign, we realized that the venting was overwhelming. We declared a "trump-free" week. And then trump-free weekends. Just having space where it was offlimits and we could enjoy a bottle of wine or talk about a book or something was refreshing.
With this week of shitshow, we have reinstituted the policy. We discuss sometimes but we have a trump-free bedroom and trump-free time with kids. Also perhaps related to what your partner is feeling, my DH has a bad habit of venting his work-related stress - directly onto me. Not all the time, but during periods of particular stress. Unable to really vent anywhere else, he yells at me about his employees, the administration, his competitors, his rivals, etc, and then gets mad if I am not sufficiently supportive (which I never am, apparently, when he is in this mood). anyway, I end up carrying around a lot of his stress and it is a terrible dynamic that we have talked about combatting, with some success. at the very least, he usually recognizes it after the fact and apologizes. Maybe y'all can discuss a strategy that isn't you unloading all your stress onto him? Declare trump-free zones but also some space to talk about what is bothering you? He may very well be depressed. I know I find the news so all-consuming and terrifying that I am have trouble functioning lately. |
Anonymous
NP: If the kids are in school, she has time to devote to reading and volunteering all related to the "being woke"--and she's not tired from working. That's the difference. She has spare time to devote to activism (or just constantly reading the news and posting about it) as a hobby. |
Anonymous
| Just talk about politics with other people. |
Anonymous
| Be glad OP. My DH and I fight bitterly every day about politics. The more upset I get, the more conservative I get. |
Anonymous
That's ridiculous. Plenty of politically active people are employed. Caring about the world you live in isn't some frivolous hobby for the privileged few. |
Anonymous
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It is a coping mechanism and Op, you're being too impatient. You don't need to have your needs met all the time.
Pick a date on your calendar a year from now, revisit the issue then Find other friends to vent to. Work to make home-life pleasant. |
Anonymous
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This is silly.
If my husband behaved like this I'd probably laugh. There is much much more to life than politics. It has always amazed me how so many weave their souls around this subject. Instead of focusing on the big picture, concentrate on your home life. I'm sure there is a lot of need there. You can't mope forever right ? |
Anonymous
| Your husband is a f g pussy. Congrats! |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel awful for you and DH both.
Take what you wrote in your post and tell him what you said here. "I totally agree that things suck politically and I see that you're protecting yourself. I get that. I am trying to respect your coping mechanism but it leaves us not talking to each other very much, or sharing much about ourselves or what we want to do with our time." "I feel disconnected from you." If he disputes that and says he sees no difference in your relationship: "I know, but I'm expressing how I feel and I have a right to that feeling, just as you have a right to be deeply upset and need a 'time out' from news." "I feel that the only things we can talk about safely are movies and our child." If he disputes, ask him: "When was the last time we had a conversation that was not about Child or what we're watching on Netflix?" Don't ask that as if it's rhetorical. Actually ask him to let you know if there was a conversation he felt was OK and not on the surface level only. Tell him that you are seeing that you and he have very different ways of coping with current events. Point out that while your coping mechanisms differ, you and he ARE on the same page in terms of where you stand, and that's a good starting place. Let him know it's OK with you if he needs to check out of, for instance, church social justice initiatives while you double down on them instead, but that what's not OK for you is feeling that you and he are talking to each other like polite roommates who are tiptoeing around the 800-pound gorilla in the room. Maybe he worries that you will talk too much about politics and your job if he lets the floodgates open, and he'll be overwhelmed or end up angry at you. Tell him that you can understand that worry, and that you aren't looking to inundate him with diatribes, just to have him back in your life as a sounding board and partner. You need to share in a time that's stressful; he needs to do the opposite and shut down. Not a great combination, so you need to be very up front and say what you told us. Be sure, though, to be clear that you're missing him being IN your life the way he was--you're not saying he's awful, you're saying he seems like he's so upset he's not himself any more. Use those "When you do X, I feel Y" kinds of statements and see if you can get him to open up. OP, does he have a history of tending to shut down and avoid subjects he dislikes or finds upsetting? If so, this is part of a larger problem of how he handles stress and it's not just about the election. Maybe you and he need to do something as a couple that is neither about social justice nor about your child etc. Find an activity that lets both you and him focus on the activity, then you can discuss the activity after the fact. It will create a new topic of conversation. It will help distract you from job stress and help him realize life goes on after the election. If you can get a sitter, please consider finding a class or something that lets you both focus elsewhere. Be patient. If you and he were close and had good conversations before this election, he will recover in time. If he seems to get very stuck -- yes, it's time then to consider getting him evaluated for depression or at least talking to a counselor so he can figure out how to move on. I think it's key to consider if this is part of a larger pattern of how he handles upset, too. Please update us. I hope it goes well, OP. |