Reply to Vent - DH won't talk about current events and it's stressing me out

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Vent - DH won't talk about current events and it's stressing me out"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, I feel awful for you and DH both.

Take what you wrote in your post and tell him what you said here.

"I totally agree that things suck politically and I see that you're protecting yourself. I get that. I  am trying to respect your coping mechanism but it leaves us not talking to each other very much, or sharing much about ourselves or what we want to do with our time."

"I feel disconnected from you." If he disputes that and says he sees no difference in your relationship: "I know, but I'm expressing how I feel and I have a right to that feeling, just as you have a right to be deeply upset and need a 'time out' from news."

"I feel that the only things we can talk about safely are movies and our child." If he disputes, ask him: "When was the last time we had a conversation that was not about Child or what we're watching on Netflix?" Don't ask that as if it's rhetorical. Actually ask him to let you know if there was a conversation he felt was OK and not on the surface level only.

Tell him that you are seeing that you and he have very different ways of coping with current events. Point out that while your coping mechanisms differ, you and he ARE on the same page in terms of where you stand, and that's a good starting place. Let him know it's OK with you if he needs to check out of, for instance, church social justice initiatives while you double down on them instead, but that what's not OK for you is feeling that you and he are talking to each other like polite roommates who are tiptoeing around the 800-pound gorilla in the room. Maybe he worries that you will talk too much about  politics and your job if he lets the floodgates open, and he'll be overwhelmed or end up angry at you. Tell him that you can understand that worry, and that you aren't looking to inundate him with diatribes, just to have him back in your life as a sounding board and partner.

You need to share in a time that's stressful; he needs to do the opposite and shut down. Not a great combination, so you need to be very up front and say what you told us. Be sure, though, to be clear that you're missing him being IN your life the way he was--you're not saying he's awful, you're saying he seems like he's so upset he's not himself any more. Use those "When you do X, I feel Y" kinds of statements and see if you can get him to open up.

OP, does he have a history of tending to shut down and avoid subjects he dislikes or finds upsetting? If so, this is part of a larger problem of how he handles stress and it's not just about the election.

Maybe you and he need to do something as a couple that is neither about social justice nor about your child etc. Find an activity that lets both you and him focus on the activity, then you can discuss the activity after the fact. It will create a new topic of conversation. It will help distract you from job stress and help him realize life goes on after the election. If you can get a sitter, please consider finding a class or something that lets you both focus elsewhere.

Be patient. If you and he were close and had good conversations before this election, he will recover in time. If he seems to get very stuck -- yes, it's time then to consider getting him evaluated for depression or at least talking to a counselor so he can figure out how to move on. I think it's key to consider if this is part of a larger pattern of how he handles upset, too.

Please update us. I hope it goes well, OP.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics