meant-to-be-kind words that hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private high school, and one of my teachers flat out told the (business math) class she didn't read any of our IEPs because she didn't want to pre-judge us. She wanted to accept us as we presented to her.

But, this was also a teacher who was very flexible and go with the flow. So if one kid decided to sit on the windowsill she said nothing. If we asked if we could have class outside in nice weather she was likely to say yes. If someone didn't understand and someone else volunteered to explain it a different way in the hallway, she said yes.

You realize that is a pretty huge problem, right?

Definitely. PPP, talk about meant to be kind words that hurt, you're on target if that's what you were trying to do. This teacher was lazy, uninformed or just stupid, unethical, and breaking the law. It's also completely irrelevant to this discussion, but unsettling to parents with children who have SNs b/c you obviously don't "get it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. You expected to hear something about how your daughter was doing the class art-wise, not that other students are being inclusive. It would have hit me that way too.

I understand where you're coming from too OP.

It doesn't sound like you get to touch base with this teacher often and sometimes it's hard to know what a parent is really asking when they ask about how a kid is doing. "Does my kid really love painting?" or "Is my kid struggling to be accepted?" She over interpreted the question.

[Anonymous]

I don't think different is a hurtful word at all. Everyone's different.

[Anonymous]

I get it. Also mom to DD with aspergers who presents in probably a similar way. We don't need to be reminded our kids are different, rather it would be nice to hear that teachers and kids are understanding that neurodivergence means we're all different and there's no right or wrong way. No kids need to be pat on the back either for being nice to the "different" kid. In my experience with the pubkic schools here, the kids are way ahead of their teachers in this respect. Some teachers seem stuck in the old school and say and model things aren't very progressive. That being said, she meant well ... it's just those micro aggressions that set a really bad tone.

[Anonymous]

I understand and I don't think you're being over sensitive. Being told that the other kids are "inclusive" is being told that your kid isn't accepted on her own merits, but because the other kids are "tolerant." From what you say, this may not even be true of your kid, but even if it were, there's an implicit "in spite of" that no parent wants to hear.

[Anonymous]

I don't find this comment particularly grating, since she was saying that your child was in a safe environment without being bullied or teased, but I accept that you might find it wearing to constantly hear things from the SN angle, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand and I don't think you're being over sensitive. Being told that the other kids are "inclusive" is being told that your kid isn't accepted on her own merits, but because the other kids are "tolerant." From what you say, this may not even be true of your kid, but even if it were, there's an implicit "in spite of" that no parent wants to hear.

OP here. You described my feelings perfectly. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private high school, and one of my teachers flat out told the (business math) class she didn't read any of our IEPs because she didn't want to pre-judge us. She wanted to accept us as we presented to her.

But, this was also a teacher who was very flexible and go with the flow. So if one kid decided to sit on the windowsill she said nothing. If we asked if we could have class outside in nice weather she was likely to say yes. If someone didn't understand and someone else volunteered to explain it a different way in the hallway, she said yes.

You realize that is a pretty huge problem, right?

I realize that it's wrong but it actually wasn't a problem. Nobody had a discipline problem the teacher couldn't handle, and everyone learned enough to pass the class. Some people learned more than others, but by 11th and 12th grade we all knew how to advocate for ourselves and say "I need to take my test in the hallway - everyone in here is distracting me" or "Can you say that again, using different words?" so we got what we needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private high school, and one of my teachers flat out told the (business math) class she didn't read any of our IEPs because she didn't want to pre-judge us. She wanted to accept us as we presented to her.

But, this was also a teacher who was very flexible and go with the flow. So if one kid decided to sit on the windowsill she said nothing. If we asked if we could have class outside in nice weather she was likely to say yes. If someone didn't understand and someone else volunteered to explain it a different way in the hallway, she said yes.

You realize that is a pretty huge problem, right?

Definitely. PPP, talk about meant to be kind words that hurt, you're on target if that's what you were trying to do. This teacher was lazy, uninformed or just stupid, unethical, and breaking the law. It's also completely irrelevant to this discussion, but unsettling to parents with children who have SNs b/c you obviously don't "get it."

Well I grew up with an IEP, and DO have severe learning disabilities. She did something unethical, but it wasn't lazy or stupid. She had a reason for what she did, and she accommodated everyone's needs.

[Anonymous]

I would have been stung by the comment too. To me, it says, 'the kids here are so nice about your kid's differences.' And it is a reminder that inclusiveness is elusive and situational, rather than a given; you're lucky to have this.

That's what it says to me.

And it would make me feel like my kid wasn't fitting in as well as maybe I thought. I wouldn't let it ruin my day. But it would sting.

[Anonymous]

You could be offended.

Or you could take a step back, realize that she isn't flying under the radar as you wanted and believed, that your DD while in school interacting with peers might be struggling more than you realized and you need to think if your current strategies are working and/ or if more or different interventions are needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be offended.

Or you could take a step back, realize that she isn't flying under the radar as you wanted and believed, that your DD while in school interacting with peers might be struggling more than you realized and you need to think if your current strategies are working and/ or if more or different interventions are needed.

New person here. My child doesn't fly under the radar at all -- disabilities are open and obvious. But I would be taken aback too, for many of the reasons expressed. When I ask a teacher how my child is doing in her class, I'm asking about my child, and about the classwork. I'm not asking about inclusion, social life, or the other kids' reaction to my child. If I want to know about those things, I ask specific questions. If a teacher responds first on those topics, that's a very strong indication that my child is not a student in her class doing art/music/math/whatever, my child is a "SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD." It's not a question of wanting a child to fly under the radar. Whether a child is severely disabled or mildly affected, a teacher is there to teach. A parent has a right to hear how a child is doing in a class.

If you ask how your ordinary/typical child is doing in a class, and the first response is "Well, Larlo is well-liked by the other children and he is included in all the group activities," I think your radar would know something was off. Either you are being shined on about his academic performance, which is what you were actually asking about, or you would wonder what was going on in that teachers' mind that this response was primary feedback for her. Special needs moms are no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be offended.

Or you could take a step back, realize that she isn't flying under the radar as you wanted and believed, that your DD while in school interacting with peers might be struggling more than you realized and you need to think if your current strategies are working and/ or if more or different interventions are needed.

I'm not sure that was the case here. From what OP says about her daughter, it sounds entirely possible that the teacher had read the IEP, doesn't spend much time with the student but knows her diagnosis, and was trying to say something reassuring but fumbled.

[Anonymous]

Inthink everyone is over interpreting. The teacher may not have understood the context of the question. She may have thought OP was asking if her child was having social problems vs. how does she like the art class.
I've often had teachers launch into behavioral explanations during conferences or when Inask about DS's day. It's a bit annoying, but I reframe the question to "thanks, but I'm more curious about how he is doing in math."

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.