meant-to-be-kind words that hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

This. -another teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

But the OP is simply stating that the fact that this was the teacher's "spontaneous response" hurts. It's fine to have a spontaneous response. It's also fine when someone's spontaneous response hurts an SN mom's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

That comment had nothing to do with the specific child. It tells me the teacher doesn't have any common sense. An appropriate answer is Larlo is trying very hard and gets along well with his peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

wanted to peak in on her

You are more of a presence at this school than your objection to the comment would imply.

OP here. I'm a huge presence at the school -- the reason I was there in the first place was doing PTA related tasks. I make no apology for that and don't know what that has to do with my feelings. Again, I don't at all blame the teacher, who was totally well-meaning.

[Anonymous]

I get that it stings. Two of my three kid have SN. My youngest has always been different but it stands out more now that he's in upper ES. As much as we love him and as much as it makes no difference to us, I know others perceive him as very different. It's harder for me NOT to know the other kids are kind and inclusive. As much as I wish he had real friends, I'll take kindness and inclusion. I would appreciate a teacher saying to me what that teacher said to you.

[Anonymous]

But that is the problem, PP. You have to take what ya get, right?

That is the problem with the idea that 'the kids treat her differences kindly,' which is basically what the teacher said.

The child should be treated kindly regardless. But the OP wanted to know how her child is doing, not how her differences may or may not be accepted. But of course, privilege never sees itself.

Of course, the OP accepted the gesture. The teacher meant no harm. But the real harm is the pervasive thinking that inclusiveness belongs to someone to grant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

This. -another teacher

Teachers, I think we do acknowledge and most of us including the OP realize this teacher was trying to be kind. Most every teacher I've ever met can field the random "how's my kid doing" question from parents. I would be shocked if your response would be "Schedule a conference."

There's no need to get shirty with the OP or try to put her on the defensive. It doesn't matter if she's president of the PTA or a parent that only goes to the required annual parent teacher conference.

The teacher didn't do anything wrong in how she answered. But sometimes as parents, it's nice when others see our kids as the individuals they are first and not the disability.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't respond to the snotty comments meant to bait you. I reported those posts b/c they were definitely off the topic at hand.

[Anonymous]

I have an Asperger's daughter who is 16, and we think she is fantastic they way she is. We are glad she is different and that she stands out. So it certainly doesn't hurt my feeling if people describe her as different. She's a happy and funny person and manages to put people at ease but at the same time will correct them kindly if they say something about autism she disagrees with. She has very strong opinions about autism and about how to dea with the "normals" as she calls them. She tells me the other kids treat her well and give her lots of compliments and she says she tries her best to think of something nice to say in return, but because of the way her mind works, she oftens ends up making everyone laugh. For example she told one girl who complimented her about her clothes, " I like the way your dressed too. That green top reminds me of the cutest frog." I asked her if she thought that comment hurt the girl's feeling and she said, "I don't think so because it was at lunch and she laughed so hard milk came out of her nose. I was really cool. " We love everyday with her because she is so unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

I don't get it but have read similar comments on this board. Can you explain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

I don't get it but have read similar comments on this board. Can you explain?

New Poster. People who say things like this think they are complimenting you (Your child looks "normal"!) but they are really saying in an underhanded way "What's the big deal, why can't you just parent him better?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an Asperger's daughter who is 16, and we think she is fantastic they way she is. We are glad she is different and that she stands out. So it certainly doesn't hurt my feeling if people describe her as different. She's a happy and funny person and manages to put people at ease but at the same time will correct them kindly if they say something about autism she disagrees with. She has very strong opinions about autism and about how to dea with the "normals" as she calls them. She tells me the other kids treat her well and give her lots of compliments and she says she tries her best to think of something nice to say in return, but because of the way her mind works, she oftens ends up making everyone laugh. For example she told one girl who complimented her about her clothes, " I like the way your dressed too. That green top reminds me of the cutest frog." I asked her if she thought that comment hurt the girl's feeling and she said, "I don't think so because it was at lunch and she laughed so hard milk came out of her nose. I was really cool. " We love everyday with her because she is so unique.

I love the way you describe your daughter with such love and delight, her peer group, and the compliment she gave her friend! Those are all just fabulous and gave me a huge smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a private high school, and one of my teachers flat out told the (business math) class she didn't read any of our IEPs because she didn't want to pre-judge us. She wanted to accept us as we presented to her.

But, this was also a teacher who was very flexible and go with the flow. So if one kid decided to sit on the windowsill she said nothing. If we asked if we could have class outside in nice weather she was likely to say yes. If someone didn't understand and someone else volunteered to explain it a different way in the hallway, she said yes.

You realize that is a pretty huge problem, right?

Actually, it's not. IEPs apply only to public schools. Privates are not obliged to follow them. Now, privates might have their own learning plans but they are usually not called IEPs. Even with those, it's been my experience that many privates don't want to follow specialized learning plans unless they are a SN school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

This. -another teacher

Teachers, I think we do acknowledge and most of us including the OP realize this teacher was trying to be kind. Most every teacher I've ever met can field the random "how's my kid doing" question from parents. I would be shocked if your response would be "Schedule a conference."

There's no need to get shirty with the OP or try to put her on the defensive. It doesn't matter if she's president of the PTA or a parent that only goes to the required annual parent teacher conference.

The teacher didn't do anything wrong in how she answered. But sometimes as parents, it's nice when others see our kids as the individuals they are first and not the disability.

It wasn't a kind statement. A kind statement is Larlo tries very hard but is struggling with xxx (drawing, coloring). He has made a lot of progress in the following areas: XXX. He seems to do well socializing and the other kids appear to treat him well.