Anyone else with a SIL jealous of the relationship

[Anonymous]

The general consensus on DCUM seems to be that the family of origin must put up with whatever level of antagonistic bullshit the DCUM wife wants to throw at the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

People are missing that OP is a twin. Twin relationships are unlike a typical sibling relationship, and so it's natural that she would be more hurt by this and possible, also, that her SIL feels more threatened by it.

I don't have much advice OP. I have an older sister and younger brother (we're all spaced 4-5 years), and I do fear that SIL will try to distance my brother from me/our family. She definitely feels like an outsider. My parents are not helpful in this regard, though it's not from a place of malice. It's just that my mom is overbearing even to my sister and me, and she treats SIL like she treats us...and SIL doesn't have to put up with it in the same way we do. My sister and I have tried many times to tell my mom to lay off SIL, but she just can't help herself. But it's true that none of us really likes SIL; sorry, this is the truth. I would not be friends with her if my brother didn't marry her. But I try to just be open with her and open with her. Right now, I think she likes me best in the family, and totheger they visit me more often than anyone else (I also live closer but still plane ride away). I don't know, it's hard.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I have two older brothers. SIL #1 does not want him to have a relationship with anyone but the members of her own family. SIL#2 has no such issues.

SIL#1 does not seem to have a great relationship with her spouse, SIL#2 has a great marriage. Both my brothers live in another country. We see them once every couple of years. It is unfortunate but this means that I have withdrawn from brother#1 to some extent.

I feel that the ball is in my brother's court as to how much he wants to remain in contact with me. If he needs to do as exactly what SIL#1 wants him to do to have a peaceful marriage then he should do that. He is an adult and I do not want him to have a shittier marriage than he already has.

The reality is that you have no control of the kind of spouses your siblings get. These spouses have different upbringing and value systems. In the end you hope that your siblings have happy marriages, but if they choose to remain with psycho spouses then that too is their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the general consensus of all the women of DCUM that once a guy gets married every female in his life is second to the wife no matter what? I'm shocked more people haven't posted that in outrage.

Uh, yeah. That happens naturally when a marriage is healthy.

But second doesn't have to mean zero relationship. That's not healthy either. My husband went out to lunch with his sister today. She's 30 mins away and they try to go out for lunch or breakfast once every couple of months. He was gone about 3 hours and they had a great time. I would do the same if my sister were local, but sadly, she's not. He also sometimes spends time one on one with his parents, which is nice because while I love his parents, sometimes I just don't feel like trekking out to their place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the general consensus of all the women of DCUM that once a guy gets married every female in his life is second to the wife no matter what? I'm shocked more people haven't posted that in outrage.

Uh, yeah. That happens naturally when a marriage is healthy.

But second doesn't have to mean zero relationship. That's not healthy either. My husband went out to lunch with his sister today. She's 30 mins away and they try to go out for lunch or breakfast once every couple of months. He was gone about 3 hours and they had a great time. I would do the same if my sister were local, but sadly, she's not. He also sometimes spends time one on one with his parents, which is nice because while I love his parents, sometimes I just don't feel like trekking out to their place.

PP, what you are describing is a healthy marriage. You are secure in your own marriage and a rational adult and so you are ok with your husband being with his family one on one. The SIL who is jealous is not in a healthy adult relationship in her own marriage. She is controlling and a jerk and a lot of DCUM women who are posting are in the same category. There is a reason why 50% of marriages result in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The general consensus on DCUM seems to be that the family of origin must put up with whatever level of antagonistic bullshit the DCUM wife wants to throw at the in-laws.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the general consensus of all the women of DCUM that once a guy gets married every female in his life is second to the wife no matter what? I'm shocked more people haven't posted that in outrage.

Uh, yeah. That happens naturally when a marriage is healthy.

But second doesn't have to mean zero relationship. That's not healthy either. My husband went out to lunch with his sister today. She's 30 mins away and they try to go out for lunch or breakfast once every couple of months. He was gone about 3 hours and they had a great time. I would do the same if my sister were local, but sadly, she's not. He also sometimes spends time one on one with his parents, which is nice because while I love his parents, sometimes I just don't feel like trekking out to their place.

PP, what you are describing is a healthy marriage. You are secure in your own marriage and a rational adult and so you are ok with your husband being with his family one on one. The SIL who is jealous is not in a healthy adult relationship in her own marriage. She is controlling and a jerk and a lot of DCUM women who are posting are in the same category. There is a reason why 50% of marriages result in divorce.

+ a million pp has it right. This is how you do marriage and inlaw relationships. Playing keep away and hierarchy leaves everyone a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...don't text. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Or invite him to dinner to catch up.

If you've failed to properly acknowledge her/build bridges with her, that may be a problem. They are together now; they have a life together now. Have you honored that?

If not, start small. Send them BOTH an e-mail or a text; invite them BOTH to dinner.

When I text her she won't respond. When I text her/call her to invite them both she replies with "I dont know, as your brother" she's even answered his phone so I don't know who I'm going to get.

So what caused this? She doesn't respond if you text her, but replies for him if you go to him directly? Did you bad mouth her at any time? Did you say something to offend her?

OK...it could be that she is 100% wrong and crazy. Or it could be that YOU are 100% wrong and crazy and really are over-stepping a lot, trying to be closer to him than is typical and that he would actually want.

Most likely, it's somewhere in the middle. Can you be honest about YOUR part in this? Can you see where YOU have expected too much of him, and where you may have shut her out?

The title of your thread alone speaks volumes. I would NEVER be jealous of my brother's romantic relationship. I don't want to be the closest woman in his life. I WANT him to have his own life, and someone special to share it with and to prioritize.
I'm always nice to her. She likes to argue so I just don't engage. If she's arguing I leave or sit there quietly. She says I'm trying to be incestuous with my brother because I want to spend time with him one on one. She doesn't like any females in his life except their daughter.

OP is not wrong to feel as she does her SIL is mentally ill as are you.

[Anonymous]

Is this like a Cersei/Jaime twin thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...don't text. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Or invite him to dinner to catch up.

If you've failed to properly acknowledge her/build bridges with her, that may be a problem. They are together now; they have a life together now. Have you honored that?

If not, start small. Send them BOTH an e-mail or a text; invite them BOTH to dinner.

When I text her she won't respond. When I text her/call her to invite them both she replies with "I dont know, as your brother" she's even answered his phone so I don't know who I'm going to get.

Call him. When she answers the phone, chat with her casually for a bit and then be like, "Hey, can I chat with Danny for bit?"

Then ask.

[Anonymous]

If SIL really is answering your bother's texts for him. Why not call him on his cell phone and ask him directly - "Are you free for lunch?"

My guess is that the guy probably really doesn't have a ton of free time as a married, working guy with his own home to take care of. He is probably the one texting you and saying "No, sorry, not a good time". He's not saying that because SIL is trying to keep you two apart - she probably doesn't even know a thing about these texts. He's saying it because he really and quite truly has very little spare time and he has other obligations. Happens to us all at times, don't take it so personally.

Just a thought anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...don't text. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Or invite him to dinner to catch up.

If you've failed to properly acknowledge her/build bridges with her, that may be a problem. They are together now; they have a life together now. Have you honored that?

If not, start small. Send them BOTH an e-mail or a text; invite them BOTH to dinner.

When I text her she won't respond. When I text her/call her to invite them both she replies with "I dont know, as your brother" she's even answered his phone so I don't know who I'm going to get.

So what caused this? She doesn't respond if you text her, but replies for him if you go to him directly? Did you bad mouth her at any time? Did you say something to offend her?

OK...it could be that she is 100% wrong and crazy. Or it could be that YOU are 100% wrong and crazy and really are over-stepping a lot, trying to be closer to him than is typical and that he would actually want.

Most likely, it's somewhere in the middle. Can you be honest about YOUR part in this? Can you see where YOU have expected too much of him, and where you may have shut her out?

The title of your thread alone speaks volumes. I would NEVER be jealous of my brother's romantic relationship. I don't want to be the closest woman in his life. I WANT him to have his own life, and someone special to share it with and to prioritize.
I'm always nice to her. She likes to argue so I just don't engage. If she's arguing I leave or sit there quietly. She says I'm trying to be incestuous with my brother because I want to spend time with him one on one. She doesn't like any females in his life except their daughter.

I'm not jealous. She is. She hates him spending time with any other women. My mother included.

OP, the more you post, the less you'll have anyone on your side. You sound jealous as hell and a bit unhinged. No wonder your SIL doesn't want her hubby around you.

NP here. She hasn't said one unhinged thing. You guys are nuts.

[Anonymous]

She's probably unused to the particularly close bond twin siblings can have with each other, and feels defensive. You need to take this slow, and be gentle with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...don't text. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Or invite him to dinner to catch up.

If you've failed to properly acknowledge her/build bridges with her, that may be a problem. They are together now; they have a life together now. Have you honored that?

If not, start small. Send them BOTH an e-mail or a text; invite them BOTH to dinner.

When I text her she won't respond. When I text her/call her to invite them both she replies with "I dont know, as your brother" she's even answered his phone so I don't know who I'm going to get.

So what caused this? She doesn't respond if you text her, but replies for him if you go to him directly? Did you bad mouth her at any time? Did you say something to offend her?

OK...it could be that she is 100% wrong and crazy. Or it could be that YOU are 100% wrong and crazy and really are over-stepping a lot, trying to be closer to him than is typical and that he would actually want.

Most likely, it's somewhere in the middle. Can you be honest about YOUR part in this? Can you see where YOU have expected too much of him, and where you may have shut her out?

The title of your thread alone speaks volumes. I would NEVER be jealous of my brother's romantic relationship. I don't want to be the closest woman in his life. I WANT him to have his own life, and someone special to share it with and to prioritize.
I'm always nice to her. She likes to argue so I just don't engage. If she's arguing I leave or sit there quietly. She says I'm trying to be incestuous with my brother because I want to spend time with him one on one. She doesn't like any females in his life except their daughter.

I'm not jealous. She is. She hates him spending time with any other women. My mother included.

OP, the more you post, the less you'll have anyone on your side. You sound jealous as hell and a bit unhinged. No wonder your SIL doesn't want her hubby around you.

NP here. She hasn't said one unhinged thing. You guys are nuts.

She's a little off the mark I think when she is so quick to assume that her evil SIL is thwarting dinner invites by answering her husband's texts for him. How can she be sure of that?

Op is giving a complete pass to her brother - he is the poor guy who isn't "allowed" to get together with his own sister and Op is putting 100% of the blame onto SIL for standing in the way of Op seeing her brother.

But even if SIL is a real piece of work and is exerting great energy to keep her husband away from his sister, Op's brother is a grown man, Op is a grown woman. If the evenings aren't a good time to get together, why can't Op meet her brother for lunch during a work day? SIL doesn't have to be involved at all. Or if the weekend evenings aren't working for them maybe they can meet during a weekend for lunch.

My guess is that the guy is simply busy and has other plans for his weekends and evenings. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, I thought I must have written this until you said you were a twin. My SIL is exactly the same way. She even accused my brother of telling me things she tells other relatives, who then tell me. Don't even feel like I can call him once a month on this personal cell, know she monitors it. It's insane. And he wonders why he never heard from me.

My DH can call his siblings whenever he likes.

Sorry OP, guess this touched a nerve. You are not alone, at least.