Can I give up on trying to parent my 11-year-old?
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Anonymous
| Can you provide the name of whatever app automatically shuts off the device at the specified interval? |
Anonymous
We use a kindle fire in parent mode. So, not sure about iPads. But I'd bet a lot it exists. |
Anonymous
| OP, help us out here. Your 11 year old child owns/ has access to all of these electronics, because.... |
Anonymous
It's called "Mom." |
Anonymous
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OP, I agree with PPs that you can't permanently stop parenting. (Actually, I know someone whose parent did that as a kid -- she just got sick of doing it all and walked away. He went into foster care. Astoundingly, he went to a college that people on this list would kill for their kid to get into. Not all his siblings fared as well, though, so I don't think I'd recommend that.)
But, I do think it's okay to give yourself a little parenting vacation. I sometimes do that -- I'm basically like, feed yourself something from the fridge, do whatever homework you are going to do, give yourself a bath if you want one, but I am checked out for today. It's better than just losing it entirely, I think. |
Anonymous
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I also have an 11 y.o. ds that sounds very similar. He has an IEP, which helps - but it's still very tiring to coordinate with teachers and constantly check to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to do. In FCPS, 6th grade is still elementary so there are no letter grades but I worry about middle school. I'm thinking he may need an organization coach or tutor, but I cost is a concern.
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Anonymous
Ahhh yes. But Mom can be ignored, argued with, begging for just 5 more minutes, assured that the world will end if you don't finish just this level, told that she got the time wrong, and he has 5 minutes left, told that the time he spent in the bathroom shouldn't count, and so on. If your kid is stubborn and tenacious enough, it can take a half an hour to end a half an hour of screen time. And if you have an ADHD kid whose meds have run out and is in hyperfocus mode, this will end with yelling, crying, a meltdown and a slamming door. Whereas your kid can try to argue with a kindle that has turned itself off. But they won't get very far, and mom doesn't have to listen to it or have the same.damn.fight.and.temper.tantrum.every.day. If you don't have an ADHD kid who hyperfocuses with electronics, you may think it's a lack of discipline issue. And the parents should say turn it off and the kid should do it. Nope. I'm actually a big fan of no electronics until you really can't avoid it. But by middle school, there starts to an academic use for devices too, so avoiding altogether may not be possible. |
Anonymous
Yes, actually, I do. Agree that in middle school it's harder, but that is no excuse for not parenting. If that means the kid only uses a school-issued laptop for 30 minutes a day while doing homework, while sitting next to mom or dad to make sure that games aren't "inadvertently" popping up on the screen, so be it. |
Anonymous
PP with the long list above, and FCPS middle school for ADHD is actually a mixed bag. The downside is obvious-- disorganization x7 classes. But there are some ways in which it is easier. In our middle school at least (Carson), all teachers post all assignments on blackboard, plus most other useful information. So you clearly know what the assignments and expectations are. And all grades are posted to SIS. So you can check a couple of times a week and see if your child is struggling in a class or has missing assignments. Much less need to constantly communicate and touch base with the teacher. And you have some leeway to turn in missing assignments late for partial credit. You want to get it written into you kid's IEP that he has extra time to turn in assignments, including homework without penalty. The downside, of course, is that once you know what the homework is, or what is missing, it still needs to be done/ found/ turned in. Also, absolutely sign your kid up for Strategies for Success as an elective. It is a small group class dedicated to teaching kids organizational strategies and executive functioning for middle and high school, plus self advocacy, and working with them on individual weaknesses. It is supposed to be offered in all FCPS middle schools. So basically, free, school provided organizational tutoring. I missed it with my HS kid, who was not formally diagnosed until the sh*t hit the fan in MS. We required our current MS kid (also ADHD) to take it-- and she fought us tooth and nail (refused to sign the course registration sheet, etc). But it really got her off on the right foot. Thus far, she is maintaining As and A-s without a tutor. Girls are often easier than boys in terms of organizational skills, but she had significantly more trouble in ES with study habits and getting homework turned in. A word of warning: this is a one semester class. Since your kid has an IEP, insist that they go in first semester. Otherwise it's random which semester they get. |
Anonymous
| I have similar issues with my 12 year old son (almost 13) with ADHD. He has become very sly. I just realized after receiving this month's credit card statement that he completely reset his phone to eliminate all of the parental controls. Then he created a gmail account and ultimately his own apple id to purchase apps. I is unreal! Almost $800 later in worthless electronic stuff. We quickly took away his phone and any access to devices in the home. Then we informed him that Christmas would likely be very sparse for him. OMG- the tantrums. Forgot me wanting him to head to boarding school- I want to go! I have 3 other kiddos and we never have these sorts of issues. I have done the works- this doctor, that doctor, private, public- you name it. So done and I ask myself it i'll regret not parenting him and the answer is surely becoming no after 7 years of sacrificing my other kids childhood for him. |
Anonymous
| Easier solution seems to ban electronics. You deal with blowouts, that's your #1 job as a parent, to not give into that crap. |
Anonymous
$800 and he's getting ANY christmas?! wow. Unless this was last january, he gets nothing and has to mow the lawn for a year to make up for it. Those of you who want to stop parenting are going to end up with a mass shooter. |
Anonymous
LOL. perfect answer. Take the shit away until he has a B average. |
Anonymous
If useless electronic stuff means in app purchases like on candy crush, contact Apple and tell them the truth. You had parental controls, and the purchases were unauthorized and by a minor, who is now in deep trouble. You are not responsible for charge on your credit card that you do not authorize. They will credit it back to you without a hassle or lecture. BTDT-- and I know another parent who has as well. This has turned into a real problem with kids in general, apparently, and their policy is to refund your money and send you info on how to avoid it in the future, and device monitoring. Now, they may not be so lenient with second or more offenses, but they are very used to dealing with this. Honestly, their system is too easy for kids to get around, and they know that. |
Anonymous
| ^^ BTW-- working this out with Apple should not mean you tell the kid you solved the problem, and by no means let the kid off the hook. Agree with the PP that all manner of consequences (including lawn mowing) should apply. But, this is a known weakness with Apple, and you should be aware that their use policy entitles you to a refund. |