Can I give up on trying to parent my 11-year-old?

[Anonymous]

Boy with ADHD. Very strong-willed and tries to control the situation and other people. I keep trying to help him along. Checking to see if his homework is done but he doesn't even want to try. He just wants to be on electronics all the time and I can't seem to pull him off without it ending and huge blowouts. At this point he's in six grade and has two D's and a C. Very smart kid just really stubborn and not open to listening to advice from anyone. The teachers are bending over backwards to give him second chances but he won't bother to turn in revised work etc. He does some homework willingly but can't really keep on top of all that he is being asked to do at school. Any other parents just throw in the towel and let the kid suffer the consequences? I'm exhausted trying to help and he just doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Is he medicated? To answer your initial question, no. You can't stop parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he medicated? To answer your initial question, no. You can't stop parenting

NP. This is bad news. I could use a yes right now myself.

[Anonymous]

While he may deal with failing grades, that won't teach him how to organize in order to get good grades. Has he had an organizational tutor?

I would also recommend therapy .. for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

+1,000,000

This is the same OP who wanted to leave her kids with a Jewish babysitter on Christmas to go away with her DH. It's not even remotely comical.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, we are dealing with this too. I think you have to find the right motivation for each child. At some point they have to be responsible, although you can try to support them. Eventually they will become more mature and better able to manage it all themselves, but I could see it being a longer path than most traditional learners face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

NP. And I'm inclined to say not a troll because I felt just like this at about this point of DS's first year of MS (7th for us in FCPS). I spent more time than I care to admit that fall crying in my bedroom and angry at my kid. We turned it around, but it took some time, energy and money. So, practical tips:

No electronics before homework and other commitments are taken care of. Period. Non- negotiable. End of story. Electronics checked in to you at night, and out by you once you are satisfied homework is done. And not checked out at all if they haven't done something they were suppose to at school, like retake a test, or turn in a missing assignment. If a smartphone needs to go to school, it gets checked in on the way in the door. If a computer is needed for homework, it is used at the kitchen table. Once an ADHD kid goes down the electronics rabbit hole, they seem to can't help themselves. It also helps to put a kindle fire, iPad etc on a timer to monitor screen time. If you get a 1/2 hour on school nights, it is easier to have the device shut off at the end of the time than have you take it away, while they argue for more time.

Medicate. Medicate. Medicate. And realize that kids can change a lot as they hit puberty. An Adderall XR may be leaving their system for the day just as they get home and need to do homework. Which can cause meltdowns. They may need a booster. Once academics became more hardcore, we did an Adderall XR before school and an IR right after to get coverage from 3-7. Now in high school, we do an XR, with a school nurse checkin between classes for at around 2 for a second XR. It helps a lot.

Make sure you have a 504 place with the school and communicate with the counselor and teachers during transitions.

Our lifesaver has been an ADHD/executive functioning tutor. Someone who comes, looks on SIS for missing work, monitors grades, looks on blackboard for assignments, helps the child plan work for the week and plan out larger projects, works on keeping binders organized. Yep. I could save the money and do this myself. But it's very ineffective because it is one, long, constant argument with a lot of pushback. Having someone else nag him about turning in X or doing more work/ getting caught up on Y (with text reminders between sessions) makes him more likely to listen, and helps our relationship a lot. We have had good luck with Educational Connections in NOVA, but I'm sure other companies and private tutor do this too.

It will get better. My once C/D middle school student is now a strong high school student at a (the) top high school (although we hit another rough patch adjusting to high school and got through it). Don't stop parenting. Sometimes kids push you away the most when they need the most support. You got this.

[Anonymous]

PP you sound like a great Mom.

Middle school is hard on everyone, OP. Hang in there. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

NP. And I'm inclined to say not a troll because I felt just like this at about this point of DS's first year of MS (7th for us in FCPS). I spent more time than I care to admit that fall crying in my bedroom and angry at my kid. We turned it around, but it took some time, energy and money. So, practical tips:

No electronics before homework and other commitments are taken care of. Period. Non- negotiable. End of story. Electronics checked in to you at night, and out by you once you are satisfied homework is done. And not checked out at all if they haven't done something they were suppose to at school, like retake a test, or turn in a missing assignment. If a smartphone needs to go to school, it gets checked in on the way in the door. If a computer is needed for homework, it is used at the kitchen table. Once an ADHD kid goes down the electronics rabbit hole, they seem to can't help themselves. It also helps to put a kindle fire, iPad etc on a timer to monitor screen time. If you get a 1/2 hour on school nights, it is easier to have the device shut off at the end of the time than have you take it away, while they argue for more time.

Medicate. Medicate. Medicate. And realize that kids can change a lot as they hit puberty. An Adderall XR may be leaving their system for the day just as they get home and need to do homework. Which can cause meltdowns. They may need a booster. Once academics became more hardcore, we did an Adderall XR before school and an IR right after to get coverage from 3-7. Now in high school, we do an XR, with a school nurse checkin between classes for at around 2 for a second XR. It helps a lot.

Make sure you have a 504 place with the school and communicate with the counselor and teachers during transitions.

Our lifesaver has been an ADHD/executive functioning tutor. Someone who comes, looks on SIS for missing work, monitors grades, looks on blackboard for assignments, helps the child plan work for the week and plan out larger projects, works on keeping binders organized. Yep. I could save the money and do this myself. But it's very ineffective because it is one, long, constant argument with a lot of pushback. Having someone else nag him about turning in X or doing more work/ getting caught up on Y (with text reminders between sessions) makes him more likely to listen, and helps our relationship a lot. We have had good luck with Educational Connections in NOVA, but I'm sure other companies and private tutor do this too.

It will get better. My once C/D middle school student is now a strong high school student at a (the) top high school (although we hit another rough patch adjusting to high school and got through it). Don't stop parenting. Sometimes kids push you away the most when they need the most support. You got this.

NP here. How expensive is the ADHD coach? We are starting t think about using one for DD who is also in middle school.

[Anonymous]

ADHD coach we use is $80 an hour. But they get a LOT done in an hour. We were fine with an hour in middle school, 1.5 hours in advanced high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD coach we use is $80 an hour. But they get a LOT done in an hour. We were fine with an hour in middle school, 1.5 hours in advanced high school.

Thanks for the information. That is actually more reasonable than I was expecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

NP. And I'm inclined to say not a troll because I felt just like this at about this point of DS's first year of MS (7th for us in FCPS). I spent more time than I care to admit that fall crying in my bedroom and angry at my kid. We turned it around, but it took some time, energy and money. So, practical tips:

No electronics before homework and other commitments are taken care of. Period. Non- negotiable. End of story. Electronics checked in to you at night, and out by you once you are satisfied homework is done. And not checked out at all if they haven't done something they were suppose to at school, like retake a test, or turn in a missing assignment. If a smartphone needs to go to school, it gets checked in on the way in the door. If a computer is needed for homework, it is used at the kitchen table. Once an ADHD kid goes down the electronics rabbit hole, they seem to can't help themselves. It also helps to put a kindle fire, iPad etc on a timer to monitor screen time. If you get a 1/2 hour on school nights, it is easier to have the device shut off at the end of the time than have you take it away, while they argue for more time.

Medicate. Medicate. Medicate. And realize that kids can change a lot as they hit puberty. An Adderall XR may be leaving their system for the day just as they get home and need to do homework. Which can cause meltdowns. They may need a booster. Once academics became more hardcore, we did an Adderall XR before school and an IR right after to get coverage from 3-7. Now in high school, we do an XR, with a school nurse checkin between classes for at around 2 for a second XR. It helps a lot.

Make sure you have a 504 place with the school and communicate with the counselor and teachers during transitions.

Our lifesaver has been an ADHD/executive functioning tutor. Someone who comes, looks on SIS for missing work, monitors grades, looks on blackboard for assignments, helps the child plan work for the week and plan out larger projects, works on keeping binders organized. Yep. I could save the money and do this myself. But it's very ineffective because it is one, long, constant argument with a lot of pushback. Having someone else nag him about turning in X or doing more work/ getting caught up on Y (with text reminders between sessions) makes him more likely to listen, and helps our relationship a lot. We have had good luck with Educational Connections in NOVA, but I'm sure other companies and private tutor do this too.

It will get better. My once C/D middle school student is now a strong high school student at a (the) top high school (although we hit another rough patch adjusting to high school and got through it). Don't stop parenting. Sometimes kids push you away the most when they need the most support. You got this.

I am feeling the same way right now about my 12 year old medicated daughter. It is tough, very tough. Even with therapy.

Today I was googling boarding schools. I sometimes think that would be the only thing to save our relationship in the long term.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad I'm not alone. I've considered boarding school too. DD does much better in very highly structured environments but rages against all structure at home.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11 yr old with ADHD. I wasn't feeling well this morning and forgot to give him his medication. By the time I thought of it, it was too late. I sometimes forget his natural state without medication and it isn't pretty. Sounds like the OP's child. Anyway, I'd definitely consider medication of you haven't already OP. I'm going to bed soon b/c he exhausted me today.