Dealing with Your Exhausting Elderly Parent

[Anonymous]

Op, just curious - - what is her living situation like the rest of the year? Do you see her at other times, in other situations and what is that like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" let's do it together" Many hands make light work. Then do it together. Get the kids involved too.

I think you missed the point entirely. OP's mother does not want help.

\

Still do it together. It is more fun that way and it gets done faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, just curious - - what is her living situation like the rest of the year? Do you see her at other times, in other situations and what is that like?

OP here. She lives alone - she and my father divorced about 15 years ago - in a senior citizen apartment complex. She does have friends in the complex; they get together on the daily, have coffee, and complain about everything. I love that she has these friends, because throughout her life she's had a hell of a time making and keeping friends, and this is by far the best support network she's ever had. But it may exacerbate the problem, given that the people she spends the most time with are also very negative and they're sort of constantly reinforcing this with each other.

Anyway, when we visit her (usually once or twice a year) her mood is no better than when she visits us, but we see her in smaller doses because we don't stay at her apartment. It's not nearly big enough for all of us, which gives us a good excuse to stay in a hotel. So while the negativity is still a problem, it's a little easier to cope with.

She visits my brother for a week or two every year and behaves the same way there. My brother's wife is at the point where she wants to forbid Mom's visits entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember...it could be worse. MIL moved in 2 months ago. She has dementia and is paranoid. As if the mental illness isn't enough to deal with, she speaks to me 90% of the time in a foreign language even though she knows english. It is driving me CRAZY. She is not sick enough to live in a nursing home, yet forgetful enough that I am worried she will leave something on and burn the house down while we are at work.

Please tell me I missed some context clues and that your elderly mom with dementia is NOT alone for hours at a time.

please look into all of your options, to include an elder care sitter.

[Anonymous]

Mine is like that, too. If there are no problems, she will crate them. Make work for herself, them complain about it. Best and most sane tactic is to ignore her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is visiting us right now. We live hundreds of miles from her, so she comes for a full two-week stint around Thanksgiving every year.

Beyond the annoyances of having any guest for two weeks in our already pretty small home, my mother is...difficult. She's not a terrible person, she never abused or neglected me as a child. She is, however, exceedingly negative - and I'm not sure how to deal.

Let me give you an example. When she is here, she insists on doing the family laundry. It is very kind of her and helps us out a lot. I'd never ask her to do it, it's been her own idea from the start. She says it makes her feel useful. Great, right? Nice for everyone. Sure, except that the entire time she is folding laundry, she is sighing these big, dramatic sighs and complaining "so much laundry, will it ever end!?" Sometimes she even loudly moans. If you try to help her and/or point out that she sounds like she is being actively crucified and really she does not have to do the laundry, she says she is totally fine and WANTS to do the laundry, and is in fact hurt if she sees you throwing in a load behind her back. Same with the dishes - she'll insist on doing them after dinner, which would be great - except that she will sigh and moan the whole way through, and will repeatedly ask throughout the week if I'm interested in getting paper plates instead. Even when she has nothing else to do and is just sitting on her ass, she'll sigh loudly about life. Last night she came out with a random, "OH GOD" while she was watching TV, for no discernable reason at all. When I asked her what was wrong she said "nothing."

None of this is totally new. I can recall her stomping and sighing around the house while doing chores when I was a child. She's always been negative and prone to complaints. But it's gotten worse as she's gotten older: instead of one or two big sighs, it's ten or twenty. This behavior is making it really hard to relax in my own home; my neck, back and jaw are sore from clenching. I honestly think it's involuntary on her part, a difficult combination of her personality and aging. But that doesn't make it any easier to be around.

Anyone been there? How do you cope? Regarding the obvious, she's been to therapy before, but she never sticks with it for more than a couple of weeks, labeling it "bullshit."

She probably just wants some positive feedback on the work she's putting in. When she doesn't get it, she feels taken for granted and acts accordingly.

[Anonymous]

This martyr routine is about getting attention. My MIL does it ALL the time, and she's really overbearing, forbidding people to do things, grabbing things from their hands, and just taking over. Over the years I've learned to do the one thing that makes her crazy: I totally ignore her complaints, her martyr moves, etc. I figure, if you really want to do something, I'm going to tune you out while you moan about it. There is no button she can push with me. You've got to work on that for yourself, if you can.

First, you remember boundaries. If she chooses to do something and then complains, it's HER problem, not yours. Second, tune it out. Third, ignore so she gets no reward (attention) for that particular behavior.

[Anonymous]

Tactic 1
Every time she sighs, you sigh. Every time she complains, you complain. Just start mimicking her.

Tactic 2
Be over the top about pointing out all.her.hard.work. "Hey everybody stop what you are doing and watch g-ma work so hard folding laundry"

Tactic 3
Ignore, ignore, ignore

Tactic 4
My personal favorite--Bingo. Make up cards with Mom's greatest hits. Pass it out to the adults. As she does stuff mark it on your Bingo card.
Now you are going to look forward to her crazy behavior. And, she'll be left wondering why you and DH randomly shoutout BINGO

[Anonymous]

Some day, OP, this will be you. Think how you would like your child to treat you. Aging is a bitch. Have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some day, OP, this will be you. Think how you would like your child to treat you. Aging is a bitch. Have some compassion.

Yes, aging might have made things worse but I don't think aging is the problem. Her mother is a negative person who martyrs herself. She creates work for herself, complains about how much work she has to do, and then rejects attempts to lessen or eliminate her workload.

Of course, OP should have compassion given her mother's age and unlikeliness to change at this point of her life. However, having a similar type of mother, I can understand that it is incredibly frustrating and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Sing! Make up your own lyrics to upbeat songs, ideally with "sunshine" in them. When she starts to complain, you start singing.

My mom complains a lot, too. I never really thought of myself as a Pollyanna, but damn. Next to her I look like a cheerleader.

[Anonymous]

She is trying to one-up the OP by showing that she is more hardworking than OP, despite all evidence to the contrary. My mom does this too. There are some really good suggestions here, and I admire the people who follow them. My mom and I have stopped visiting each other. My kids don't even ask anymore if she'll be visiting. They did mention they'd like to bake holiday cookies with her, so I said I'll do it, and that was the end of that. Mom calls them occasionally, but if they try to talk about their lives, she says "Grandma has to go now". When pressed, the reason is "Grandma has to go have her tea".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is visiting us right now. We live hundreds of miles from her, so she comes for a full two-week stint around Thanksgiving every year.

Beyond the annoyances of having any guest for two weeks in our already pretty small home, my mother is...difficult. She's not a terrible person, she never abused or neglected me as a child. She is, however, exceedingly negative - and I'm not sure how to deal.

Let me give you an example. When she is here, she insists on doing the family laundry. It is very kind of her and helps us out a lot. I'd never ask her to do it, it's been her own idea from the start. She says it makes her feel useful. Great, right? Nice for everyone. Sure, except that the entire time she is folding laundry, she is sighing these big, dramatic sighs and complaining "so much laundry, will it ever end!?" Sometimes she even loudly moans. If you try to help her and/or point out that she sounds like she is being actively crucified and really she does not have to do the laundry, she says she is totally fine and WANTS to do the laundry, and is in fact hurt if she sees you throwing in a load behind her back. Same with the dishes - she'll insist on doing them after dinner, which would be great - except that she will sigh and moan the whole way through, and will repeatedly ask throughout the week if I'm interested in getting paper plates instead. Even when she has nothing else to do and is just sitting on her ass, she'll sigh loudly about life. Last night she came out with a random, "OH GOD" while she was watching TV, for no discernable reason at all. When I asked her what was wrong she said "nothing."

None of this is totally new. I can recall her stomping and sighing around the house while doing chores when I was a child. She's always been negative and prone to complaints. But it's gotten worse as she's gotten older: instead of one or two big sighs, it's ten or twenty. This behavior is making it really hard to relax in my own home; my neck, back and jaw are sore from clenching. I honestly think it's involuntary on her part, a difficult combination of her personality and aging. But that doesn't make it any easier to be around.

Anyone been there? How do you cope? Regarding the obvious, she's been to therapy before, but she never sticks with it for more than a couple of weeks, labeling it "bullshit."

Honestly, my first reaction was laughter. Who acts like this? It's like a Woody Allen movie. Can you re-frame it to yourself and find it at all absurd? That might help.

[Anonymous]

Woody Allen is an asshole and not funny.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe she's not being passive aggressive. I think she's just ruminating.

I know sometimes I'm folding laundry or washing dishes and my mind starts wandering and ruminating on things. It's not the chores I'm probably sighing about, it's that I'm thinking unpleasant thoughts.