Dealing with Your Exhausting Elderly Parent

[Anonymous]

OP, I had the same reaction as 10:52 and was cracking up at your description. It's so ridiculous! The "OH GOD!" thing made me lose it! Sorry, I know it must be so irritating! Maybe you can record her and then point it out to her? Or, every time she does it, put $1 in a jar. Then when the visit is over, use the money to treat yourself to something luxurious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is visiting us right now. We live hundreds of miles from her, so she comes for a full two-week stint around Thanksgiving every year.

Beyond the annoyances of having any guest for two weeks in our already pretty small home, my mother is...difficult. She's not a terrible person, she never abused or neglected me as a child. She is, however, exceedingly negative - and I'm not sure how to deal.

Let me give you an example. When she is here, she insists on doing the family laundry. It is very kind of her and helps us out a lot. I'd never ask her to do it, it's been her own idea from the start. She says it makes her feel useful. Great, right? Nice for everyone. Sure, except that the entire time she is folding laundry, she is sighing these big, dramatic sighs and complaining "so much laundry, will it ever end!?" Sometimes she even loudly moans. If you try to help her and/or point out that she sounds like she is being actively crucified and really she does not have to do the laundry, she says she is totally fine and WANTS to do the laundry, and is in fact hurt if she sees you throwing in a load behind her back. Same with the dishes - she'll insist on doing them after dinner, which would be great - except that she will sigh and moan the whole way through, and will repeatedly ask throughout the week if I'm interested in getting paper plates instead. Even when she has nothing else to do and is just sitting on her ass, she'll sigh loudly about life. Last night she came out with a random, "OH GOD" while she was watching TV, for no discernable reason at all. When I asked her what was wrong she said "nothing."

None of this is totally new. I can recall her stomping and sighing around the house while doing chores when I was a child. She's always been negative and prone to complaints. But it's gotten worse as she's gotten older: instead of one or two big sighs, it's ten or twenty. This behavior is making it really hard to relax in my own home; my neck, back and jaw are sore from clenching. I honestly think it's involuntary on her part, a difficult combination of her personality and aging. But that doesn't make it any easier to be around.

Anyone been there? How do you cope? Regarding the obvious, she's been to therapy before, but she never sticks with it for more than a couple of weeks, labeling it "bullshit."

Honestly, my first reaction was laughter. Who acts like this? It's like a Woody Allen movie. Can you re-frame it to yourself and find it at all absurd? That might help.

Just laugh when she sighs and talk to her about it. These are rather dull mindless interminable tasks...thank her for helping you and give a huge sigh and shrug. I'm not grandma visiting and wonder about the piles of stuff myself.

Be glad she lives in an easy physically for her home. Mine didn't-terrible falls. I find TV can be difficult with houseguests since some always insist on controlling the remote. Does she do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is visiting us right now. We live hundreds of miles from her, so she comes for a full two-week stint around Thanksgiving every year.

Beyond the annoyances of having any guest for two weeks in our already pretty small home, my mother is...difficult. She's not a terrible person, she never abused or neglected me as a child. She is, however, exceedingly negative - and I'm not sure how to deal.

Let me give you an example. When she is here, she insists on doing the family laundry. It is very kind of her and helps us out a lot. I'd never ask her to do it, it's been her own idea from the start. She says it makes her feel useful. Great, right? Nice for everyone. Sure, except that the entire time she is folding laundry, she is sighing these big, dramatic sighs and complaining "so much laundry, will it ever end!?" Sometimes she even loudly moans. If you try to help her and/or point out that she sounds like she is being actively crucified and really she does not have to do the laundry, she says she is totally fine and WANTS to do the laundry, and is in fact hurt if she sees you throwing in a load behind her back. Same with the dishes - she'll insist on doing them after dinner, which would be great - except that she will sigh and moan the whole way through, and will repeatedly ask throughout the week if I'm interested in getting paper plates instead. Even when she has nothing else to do and is just sitting on her ass, she'll sigh loudly about life. Last night she came out with a random, "OH GOD" while she was watching TV, for no discernable reason at all. When I asked her what was wrong she said "nothing."

None of this is totally new. I can recall her stomping and sighing around the house while doing chores when I was a child. She's always been negative and prone to complaints. But it's gotten worse as she's gotten older: instead of one or two big sighs, it's ten or twenty. This behavior is making it really hard to relax in my own home; my neck, back and jaw are sore from clenching. I honestly think it's involuntary on her part, a difficult combination of her personality and aging. But that doesn't make it any easier to be around.

Anyone been there? How do you cope? Regarding the obvious, she's been to therapy before, but she never sticks with it for more than a couple of weeks, labeling it "bullshit."

Tell her that since her arrival the house has been filled the awful stench of burning martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some day, OP, this will be you. Think how you would like your child to treat you. Aging is a bitch. Have some compassion.

Depends on how you choose to age. Like fine wine, or molding bread.