Dealing with Your Exhausting Elderly Parent

[Anonymous]

My mother is visiting us right now. We live hundreds of miles from her, so she comes for a full two-week stint around Thanksgiving every year.

Beyond the annoyances of having any guest for two weeks in our already pretty small home, my mother is...difficult. She's not a terrible person, she never abused or neglected me as a child. She is, however, exceedingly negative - and I'm not sure how to deal.

Let me give you an example. When she is here, she insists on doing the family laundry. It is very kind of her and helps us out a lot. I'd never ask her to do it, it's been her own idea from the start. She says it makes her feel useful. Great, right? Nice for everyone. Sure, except that the entire time she is folding laundry, she is sighing these big, dramatic sighs and complaining "so much laundry, will it ever end!?" Sometimes she even loudly moans. If you try to help her and/or point out that she sounds like she is being actively crucified and really she does not have to do the laundry, she says she is totally fine and WANTS to do the laundry, and is in fact hurt if she sees you throwing in a load behind her back. Same with the dishes - she'll insist on doing them after dinner, which would be great - except that she will sigh and moan the whole way through, and will repeatedly ask throughout the week if I'm interested in getting paper plates instead. Even when she has nothing else to do and is just sitting on her ass, she'll sigh loudly about life. Last night she came out with a random, "OH GOD" while she was watching TV, for no discernable reason at all. When I asked her what was wrong she said "nothing."

None of this is totally new. I can recall her stomping and sighing around the house while doing chores when I was a child. She's always been negative and prone to complaints. But it's gotten worse as she's gotten older: instead of one or two big sighs, it's ten or twenty. This behavior is making it really hard to relax in my own home; my neck, back and jaw are sore from clenching. I honestly think it's involuntary on her part, a difficult combination of her personality and aging. But that doesn't make it any easier to be around.

Anyone been there? How do you cope? Regarding the obvious, she's been to therapy before, but she never sticks with it for more than a couple of weeks, labeling it "bullshit."

[Anonymous]

My late mother was like this. Everything was a Big Effort and every expenditure of time or energy parceled out begrudgingly. It is extremely unpleasant.

I wasn't very good at dealing with it, but my advice is for you to feign ignorance - just don't notice what she is saying, doing, sighing, muttering. Adopt a deaf demeanor. Along with that, be very cheerful/upbeat. Every time she moans or complains, issue an upbeat counterpoint ("I love how freshly-laundered sheets smell! Mmmm-mmm!")

Beyond that - wine.

That's all I've got.

[Anonymous]

" let's do it together" Many hands make light work. Then do it together. Get the kids involved too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" let's do it together" Many hands make light work. Then do it together. Get the kids involved too.

I think you missed the point entirely. OP's mother does not want help.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was like this. I think it was just a really negative script running in her head. So I would work with her and just keep up a conversation the whole time. I would ask about her childhood or anything that would lead to interesting stories. She would get so involved she would forget to moan/ complain. Or if she started I would respond by making a crazy over the top complaint myself and that would make us both laugh.

I know it is hard and takes a lot out of you to do this. But the visit is short and she won't be with you forever. And I got to hear some really funny stories when I asked. I still miss my grandmother, but I think I am one of the few. Most people just remember her complaints.

[Anonymous]

Sleep some sleep aid medicine into her food and hopefully she'll sleep more? Ok. That's bad.

Indulge her and switch to paper plates when she's there. Siphon off some of the dirty laundry and put it in a bag in the back of the closet until her visit is over.

[Anonymous]

My mom AND mil are like this. It's like they were raised to be so "nice" and submissive and now that they're is their 70's, it's like 24/7 passive aggressiveness. Fun! I just ignore it as much as humanly possible then make fun of it with my dh later. One consequence is that I *never* complain, lol.

[Anonymous]

Mom like that here too. It came from the fact that she did a lot and my Dad acted like she never did anything. Then, it became a huge spectacle. Except, unlike your mom, she would eventually end up screaming at everybody. I never knew how to deal with it, more you point out that she doesn't have to do all of these things, more insane she gets. She does it over the e-mail as well, but at least now she isn't in my face all the time.

[Anonymous]

Def buy paper plates when she visits. Keep dirty sheets/towels or any laundry you don't need immediately hidden away from her.

[Anonymous]

My husband is similar. I've recently realized that countering the heavy sighs and complaints with positivity reinforces it. I usually ignore him now. I don't think these heavy sighers realize how much they negatively affect those around them.

[Anonymous]

Well, cheer up. She is elderly and we did soon. She put up with you when you were a horrible bratty toddler, teenager and now ungrateful adult. Give her a break and leave her one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, cheer up. She is elderly and we did soon. She put up with you when you were a horrible bratty toddler, teenager and now ungrateful adult. Give her a break and leave her one.

I am so glad I'm not someone who feels entitled to inflict my personality disorder on my children simply because I decided to have them. This is exactly how the cycle of dysfunction works.

[Anonymous]

I'm following this thread with interest. Op, I wonder if calling her out on it would ever work. Not sure, just curious. It would certainly make me want to be around her less and I think that is in your power. She doesn't have the right to make the environment unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Remember...it could be worse. MIL moved in 2 months ago. She has dementia and is paranoid. As if the mental illness isn't enough to deal with, she speaks to me 90% of the time in a foreign language even though she knows english. It is driving me CRAZY. She is not sick enough to live in a nursing home, yet forgetful enough that I am worried she will leave something on and burn the house down while we are at work.

[Anonymous]

My mom does that, so we took away all her chores when she visits and she sighs and moans while we work and complains that we won't let her do anything. You can't win, and as others said, countering it with positivity makes her even more negative. Classic quote from my mom, "how dare you try to be positive!" (Said in seriousness). Mine's a grouch, more so every visit.