Have your views on monogamy changed since you have been married?

[Anonymous]

No, I've always thought that this would not necessarily be a deal-breaker. People see the world so black and white, when it depends so much on individual circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is a total charade. The number of monogamous couples is really low. For every 10 couples that get married in their 20s and 30s, maybe 1 will actually stay monogamous to each other till they die of old age. Almost half will divorce, 75% of the rest, one or both cheat at some point. The Ashley Madison hack - 1/3rd of married men were registered (I swear I was just curious!).

Half these threads are "my spouse won't sleep with me" or "my spouse cheated on me"

Every single man (and most women) want to have sex with other people. Most give in at some point. Monogamy doesn't work for most people. I don't pretend that open marriages do either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is a total charade. The number of monogamous couples is really low. For every 10 couples that get married in their 20s and 30s, maybe 1 will actually stay monogamous to each other till they die of old age. Almost half will divorce, 75% of the rest, one or both cheat at some point. The Ashley Madison hack - 1/3rd of married men were registered (I swear I was just curious!).

Half these threads are "my spouse won't sleep with me" or "my spouse cheated on me"

Every single man (and most women) want to have sex with other people. Most give in at some point. Monogamy doesn't work for most people. I don't pretend that open marriages do either.

That's the problem - nothing works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my views on monogamy haven't changed. I spent a summer working in NYC away from my husband, although I spent every weekend with him. I was attracted to one man in my office. I was hit on by another. I saw many attractive men in NYC and could easily have slept around. I even thought about it but conciously decided not to.

My belief has always been that it is normal to be attracted to people, but intimacy is a conscious decision. I expected monogamy in my relationship, and gave it to my husband.

I subsequently found out that my husband had been cheating on me with a variety of women during the entire 5 years of our relationship.

My views on monogamy are the same as they were before this experience. We all experience temptations, but it is not hard to be monogamous. It is simply a choice. I gave my husband my fidelity and honesty and in return he gave me neither. His choice spoke deeply about his character.

We are no longer together.

If you were my daughter I'd be very proud of you and I'd find a way to beat the crap out of your husband. Not all guys are dogs and I sure hope you meet someone with your standards. If you have children I hope they are proud of their momma!

When we split up, I told my parents and my siblings about the infidelity (that it was long in duration and with many women, not the gritty details). I was pleasantly surprised that my parents were totally supportive of my divorce, and my brother even called me courageous for seeing what was in front of me and leaving.

Truthfully, a part of me wishes someone would have beat the crap out of him, or at least yelled at him. Maybe it would have knocked some sense into him and helped him be a better parent even if he couldn't be a good partner. Instead, my parents, my siblings and I continued to treat him politely. He was welcomed into my house and my parent's house to participate in family events with our children. No one (except for me) confronted him about the behavior. That allowed him to continue to live in the delusional world of the cheater, which was not helpful to me or our kids. The kids, of course, do not know why we separated, so they cannot be "proud" of me.

I'm sure not all guys are dogs, but I no longer believe it's possible to separate the dogs from the non-dogs with 100 % accuracy. Sometimes it is easy to spot a dog. But, there are others who are wolves in sheep's clothing. Everyone who was friends with and worked with my husband told me he was "a good guy" while we are dating and would have been as shocked to learn about the cheating, as I was. I know now to scrutinize people's behavior and ignore their words. But, I also know that some people are just very, very good liars, and it is never possible to tell for sure that your partner is being truthful. The best you can do is run away quickly when these damaged people finally do something that reveals their true character.

[Anonymous]

Never thought monogamy as the "be all and end all" for staying married. Marriage is a partnership to raise kids. Won't divorce for cheating as long as spouse is a good parent to our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am less adamant about sexual fidelity but more about emotional fidelity. what i mean is this: if spouse wanted to quietly sleep with someone else every once in a while but there was no threat to our marriage, sexual health, no chance of breaking up the family, I would probably be okay with it, or at least accept it since, lets face it, married sex can be a little boring (esp if I got to enjoy the same). I am more anxious though about spouse falling in love with someone else, or someone wrecking our family, messing with the kids.

I generally feel the same way, but still believe monogamy is important. Basically because scenario 1 inevitably leads to scenario 2 at some point.

+ 2

[Anonymous]

For all those who think monogamy is unrealistic, that doesn't equate to cheating is inevitable or permissible.

If you think monogamy is unrealistic, talk about that before you get married and agree on a plan.

If you enter marriage thinking monogamy is possible and find that it is not, man (or woman) up and TALK to your spouse instead of cheating. You can negotiate for an open marriage or divorce; you don't have to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah, my views on monogamy have changed bigly since I was young and idealistic. If you asked me back then, I would have been one of those zero tolerance people who would have declared cheating = divorce. Now that we have kids, I can't even fathom throwing out the marriage for something as trivial as her sharing genitals with some dude.

If she came home and told me she gambled the 401k away, I would be irate. Or if she hurt one of the kids, or racked up huge credit card bills. But boning some guy at a conference? My reaction would be "My turn next!"

Even the people who think they are in monogamous marriages probably aren't.

[Anonymous]

My views have not changed. I'm 40, been with the same person for a decade.

I don't think monogamy is an unrealistic goal. In my view, the divorce rate is high because people rush into married and/or often marry more because they want to get married (to anyone) than because they found someone to whom they really want to commit.

I think there should be less pressure on people to get married, and marriage should be seen as something you only do if you *really* want to commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My views have not changed. I'm 40, been with the same person for a decade.

I don't think monogamy is an unrealistic goal. In my view, the divorce rate is high because people rush into married and/or often marry more because they want to get married (to anyone) than because they found someone to whom they really want to commit.

I think there should be less pressure on people to get married, and marriage should be seen as something you only do if you *really* want to commit.

I agree but society, especially in the last 30 years has made such a big deal out of marriage in terms of it being the be all and end all of satisfaction. People buy into that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think monogamy is an unrealistic goal. Yes, all guys have Walter Mitty dreams of bedding tons of babes but at the end of the day sharing your life with one special person is really nice albeit difficult to achieve. What's very helpful is to have grown up in a home with loving and monogamous parents and seeing the positive effect it has on children. When you grow up in that environment you aspire for the same and, IMO, work hard to achieve the same goal. My DW and I both grew up in very happy homes and its always been part of our marriage DNA. We are very lucky and we know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yeah, my views on monogamy have changed bigly since I was young and idealistic. If you asked me back then, I would have been one of those zero tolerance people who would have declared cheating = divorce. Now that we have kids, I can't even fathom throwing out the marriage for something as trivial as her sharing genitals with some dude.

If she came home and told me she gambled the 401k away, I would be irate. Or if she hurt one of the kids, or racked up huge credit card bills. But boning some guy at a conference? My reaction would be "My turn next!"

Even the people who think they are in monogamous marriages probably aren't.

Yup. If she cheated I would be somewhat relieved.

I have not cheated. But a big part of me wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think monogamy is an unrealistic goal. Yes, all guys have Walter Mitty dreams of bedding tons of babes but at the end of the day sharing your life with one special person is really nice albeit difficult to achieve. What's very helpful is to have grown up in a home with loving and monogamous parents and seeing the positive effect it has on children. When you grow up in that environment you aspire for the same and, IMO, work hard to achieve the same goal. My DW and I both grew up in very happy homes and its always been part of our marriage DNA. We are very lucky and we know it.

Understanding I am about to be a wet blanket...

You really don't know if your parents were monogamous. If either one made a mistake over the course of a long marriage, whether one discovered it or not. What you do know is your parents gave you a loving and stable home. That is what is important, because that is what you saw and thrived in.

I say that because the expectation of monogamy or bust seems to cause just as much pain as it saves. Every third thread on here is "he (sometimes she) cheated on me" followed by the chorus of "throw the bum out." Not trying to minimize the pain of infidelity but trying to emphasize that what families need are love, stability but not necessarily exclusivity of sexcapades.

[Anonymous]

It has evolved only to the extent that I no longer would divorce immediately if I found out. We have built a life and family together and have children and so I would try to work it out for them. Especially considering how hard it is to date/be a divorced parent.

That said, it would still deliver a shattering blow to our marriage, it would deeply deeply hurt me. I think it would be very challenging to work through. But today I think I would try, and that is an evolution from when we got married.

[Anonymous]

What's very helpful is to have grown up in a home with loving and monogamous parents and seeing the positive effect it has on children. When you grow up in that environment you aspire for the same and, IMO, work hard to achieve the same goal.

You'd be surprised. My DH comes from this kind of family. He was the sibling "who got into trouble as a teen" ... also the smartest and most ambitious.

My DH ultimately went into finance and killed it, and decided that all that money entitled him to stop living by anyone's rules except his own. The unfortunate part of this is that it was true. He has so many people under him now, he's too far gone for anyone to criticize. His parents seem to be more or less afraid of him, and he doesn't take their money so they don't hold anything over him anymore, especially since DH decided he's an atheist. He's beholden to no one. Not even me or the kids.

He really doesn't care about anyone but himself.

You can't always predict that children will want to emulate their parents, even if they were a good example. Money in large amounts changes people, and in the end we have free will. As long as my DH has his money and doesn't break the law, no one's going to tell him anything he doesn't want to hear.