Ex-wife and son are sabotaging his opportunity to attend my alma mater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not take him out to dinner and talk about it. If all the info you get is from his Facebook page then you have a problem.

+1

Immediately. If he's in his Senior year its way past time for him to already have submitted applications. If its Junior Year, give him some slack and talk it through with him over a great summer break (i.e. you step up your game and make it the time of his life so he'll listen to you).

[Anonymous]

And at dinner, bribe him to apply. Payment to come upon receipt of either acceptance/rejection letter.

You can't make him go, but you buy time/save him from missing the window to apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's talking about 26 for health insurance.

Buddy- your post is not written as if you are an involved father. Get involved. It might be too late for this particular college situation to work to your satisfaction. . But it's never too late to develop a relationship with your son based on love, mutual respect and understanding.

A parent is allowed to keep the kid on till 26, but I cannot imagine a court enforcing it after they are out of school. Why wouldn't you want to provide health insurance. My husband's ex is nasty and refused to let him see the kids but we kept each on his insurance as long as we could just in case. The youngest got in a horrible car accident (girlfriend's fault, no surprise) and mom had dropped him from her insurance and thankfully we still had him on ours. Mom for what ever reason (we hear from her yearly at best) called to let us know, which is when we found out about the insurance and luckily I was able to give it to her so the bills could get paid.

WTF? Why doesn't your DH fight for court ordered visitation?

[Anonymous]

If you haven't donated a building to your "elite" university, it's unlikely your edge will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elite university. I have a top connection that will green light his application. He has always loved the college, told everyone he hopes he can get in, wears all the crew neck sweatshirts, summer semester, the whole nine.

For the last two months he and his mother have been flakey when I ask about college application process, letters of rec, etc. I let it go as I figured he was busy with sports, enjoying senior year. But now it's crunch time, and looking at his facebook I'm beginning to suspect he wants to follow friends to a party college, which accepts everyone, is below his stats, has a high drop out rate, questionable employment prospects. I believe his mother is stoking this to spite me and/or keep him close to home.

I'm on the hook for paying half of his college expenses. I'm also on the hook until he's 26 for various other expenses if he's not gainfully employed.

How in the world did that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not take him out to dinner and talk about it. If all the info you get is from his Facebook page then you have a problem.

Best advice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't like the university or don't want to "owe" you?

[Anonymous]

Have you and son taken a tour of the college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello exdh!
You are too controlling. Try connecting with our son as pp said. It is good that you are concerned about his welfare and his future. It does sound as though you are more concerned about yourself - at least that is how your post comes across.

Is this really the Ex DW?

PP you are quoting here and I can't say for sure but if not it's a LOT of coincidences.

Np here. So what's up with your son then. Which college does he want to attend and why? I understand you want your x to connect with your son but I would think it's also in your best interest to help persuade your son to a decent future.

Yes I absolutely am concerned about my son's future. There are a couple of things going on here- first is that I think he is nervous about not being accepted. or not being accepted on his own merits. He is a good student but he is a bit more humble than his dad and therefore a bit intimidated. This is understandable to me. I am encouraging him to apply but not harassing him about it. I want him to do well. whether or not he attends his dad's elite alma mater is not my priority.
The second issue is that he seems to want to break away from his identity as Mr. Ex DH 's Son. He is feeling out being his own person. I do NOT want to get in the way of this. I am happy about it! At the same time he does need some guidance. It is a tough position for me. I am trying to give him some space but also need to establish some parameters. I cannot discuss or work with exdh on this because all he cares about is our son attending his elite! There is so much about our son that his dad does not know - but that is how exdh is, it is out of my control.
I hope OP can get through to his son and help him get on a good path - but he really needs to connect with his son as an individual, not an extension of himself.

[Anonymous]

Your son isn't going to be denied his own identity just because he goes to the same school as your ex, nor is letting your son succumb to intimidation good for him. Nothing in life is 100% on his own merits---not even his party school acceptance. The privileges you've given him throughout his life have helped him get there. As a parent, you should be helping him reconcile with that fact and encouraging him to do the best that he can.

I'm sure you're right about your ex DH, but your noninterventionalist position sounds more like marital grief than a truly innocent balancing act. Divorces are hard, but you need to keep the best interest of your kid primary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elite university. I have a top connection that will green light his application. He has always loved the college, told everyone he hopes he can get in, wears all the crew neck sweatshirts, summer semester, the whole nine.

For the last two months he and his mother have been flakey when I ask about college application process, letters of rec, etc. I let it go as I figured he was busy with sports, enjoying senior year. But now it's crunch time, and looking at his facebook I'm beginning to suspect he wants to follow friends to a party college, which accepts everyone, is below his stats, has a high drop out rate, questionable employment prospects. I believe his mother is stoking this to spite me and/or keep him close to home.

I'm on the hook for paying half of his college expenses. I'm also on the hook until he's 26 for various other expenses if he's not gainfully employed.

How in the world did that happen?

LMAO All these DWs clamoring for bitter ex-wives to get husbands to pay for their kids college and support. This bullshit is why I say all legal obligations end at 18. I'm not signing a damned thing that requires me to pay for someone's college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elite university. I have a top connection that will green light his application. He has always loved the college, told everyone he hopes he can get in, wears all the crew neck sweatshirts, summer semester, the whole nine.

For the last two months he and his mother have been flakey when I ask about college application process, letters of rec, etc. I let it go as I figured he was busy with sports, enjoying senior year. But now it's crunch time, and looking at his facebook I'm beginning to suspect he wants to follow friends to a party college, which accepts everyone, is below his stats, has a high drop out rate, questionable employment prospects. I believe his mother is stoking this to spite me and/or keep him close to home.

I'm on the hook for paying half of his college expenses. I'm also on the hook until he's 26 for various other expenses if he's not gainfully employed.

How in the world did that happen?

LMAO All these DWs clamoring for bitter ex-wives to get husbands to pay for their kids college and support. This bullshit is why I say all legal obligations end at 18. I'm not signing a damned thing that requires me to pay for someone's college.

In some states its 21, sometimes 22 if college is ordered. Most of the time its 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son isn't going to be denied his own identity just because he goes to the same school as your ex, nor is letting your son succumb to intimidation good for him. Nothing in life is 100% on his own merits---not even his party school acceptance. The privileges you've given him throughout his life have helped him get there. As a parent, you should be helping him reconcile with that fact and encouraging him to do the best that he can.

I'm sure you're right about your ex DH, but your noninterventionalist position sounds more like marital grief than a truly innocent balancing act. Divorces are hard, but you need to keep the best interest of your kid primary.

Thanks. I am by no means noninterventionalist! The best interest of my kid has always been my primary concern.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't want it bad enough, he doesn't deserve the spot at the school. There are students working their butts off for that opportunity and he (and you) should step aside. Even with your "connection," it seems like he doesn't have the work ethic to do well there. And by the way, handing a college admission to your son is not going to help you out for the next decade or so if you're on the hook for his expenses. If he doesn't have to put any effort into this, why would he bother with gainful employment in the future? Let him go party and shuffle into the unremarkable adulthood he's earned.

[Anonymous]

Any chance you can convince him to do a gap year of volunteering and working? He may feel overwhelmed by the process and a year on his own will give him the opportunity to define himself outside his father/mother.

He will probably also be more open to the considering your elite alma mater after a year. He's following his friends because that's all he knows right now. Show him the larger world, but do it on HIS terms.