Pity party: not invited to holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you're being presumptuous by assuming you weren't invited because you haven't reciprocated after being invited to their holiday party for 2 years. Are people really that petty and bean counting? Hosting a party is a lot different than planning a dinner party or even a barbecue. If you're hosting a party, you're already putting forth the time, effort and money whether you invite 20 people or 22 people.

If my neighbors stopped inviting me to their holiday party that they know I know about, they're making a conscious effort to make a statement that they don't really want the relationship. That's fine, but it would be petty of them to do that due to not being invited to a barbecue at our house or something similar. And that says more about them than it does about me.

What? This whole thread is getting to be about reciprocating, and the people on here who host are telling you why it's important, and you think people who work hard as hosts that start to drop non-reciprocaters, it says something about "them"? No, it actually says something about you.

Have a party because you want to have a party. Don't have a party as an expectation of others to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that you're being presumptuous by assuming you weren't invited because you haven't reciprocated after being invited to their holiday party for 2 years. Are people really that petty and bean counting? Hosting a party is a lot different than planning a dinner party or even a barbecue. If you're hosting a party, you're already putting forth the time, effort and money whether you invite 20 people or 22 people.

If my neighbors stopped inviting me to their holiday party that they know I know about, they're making a conscious effort to make a statement that they don't really want the relationship. That's fine, but it would be petty of them to do that due to not being invited to a barbecue at our house or something similar. And that says more about them than it does about me.

What? This whole thread is getting to be about reciprocating, and the people on here who host are telling you why it's important, and you think people who work hard as hosts that start to drop non-reciprocaters, it says something about "them"? No, it actually says something about you.

Have a party because you want to have a party. Don't have a party as an expectation of others to reciprocate.

Says the freeloader pp.

[Anonymous]

I host parties because I love it, and I enjoy having people over. I don't mean count. BUT. I do notice people who never host themselves because their house is too small or too messy. I say bullshit. Drinks outside on a summer weekend is easy. Nobody really cares how small it messy your house is (ours are exactly the same). I do notice the fact that I have invited you over to our house multiple times and you've never reciprocated. I mean. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I feel like you.
It hurts that as we progress in life, I realize that a lot of friendships are simply about money. Even if it doesn't SEEM that way, it's true because of reciprocating. There are a few exceptions--really low maintenance people who maybe are more about trading favors. Watch the kids, help you move, join your wall painting, lend you a lawn mower.

We are on a 7 year plan to finish our debt. The faster we can do that, the better for everyone. It might happen sooner too.

I feel like our social budget has no place in our lives currently, including sprucing up the house so it's better for entertainment. (Or alternatively getting a regular babysitter and going out with those friends).

+if we do have a little extra cash, it's not consistent. Certainly not enough to keep a few friendships going regularly.

I don't think I have a solution. I get it...reciprocating is important to everyone. But it's a time in our life we feel friendless.

Friendships are not about money. My best friend is broke and recently divorced. I hang out with her often and pay for her all the time. No big deal. The closest mom friend I have is a teacher with not much money. She is super thoughtful. I am mindful of her budget and do free/cheap activities with her and her child. We always have a good time. They come to our house all the time but we never go to theirs. When they come over, she often will bake cookies or bring some fruit to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I host parties because I love it, and I enjoy having people over. I don't mean count. BUT. I do notice people who never host themselves because their house is too small or too messy. I say bullshit. Drinks outside on a summer weekend is easy. Nobody really cares how small it messy your house is (ours are exactly the same). I do notice the fact that I have invited you over to our house multiple times and you've never reciprocated. I mean. Wow.

I'm another often hoster. I do notice when people never reciprocate. It doesn't always have to be in their home. We are friends with a family with 3 kids with limited budget and small, supposedly messy home. We don't hang out with them often. It is more because it seems like they would rather hang out with others and not us. It is fine that they never invite us to their home but they don't invite/include us in normal everyday outings either. They could ask us to go to the playground or pumpkin patch but they don't. They go with others.

[Anonymous]

This is all super sweet. We host the big shebangs, lots of food lots of $$, catered, but I am not really a simple ideas person and I love the invitations to playdates in the park, or a summer festival, or a free day at the museum. Here's my list of importance, as a hostess:

1. Be a good guest. RSVP! In advance! Don't effing change it and back out on the day of my party (barring emergencies). Rude and you won't get invited back. In short, if you are invited, try to come.

2. Be a good guest part 2. Maybe bring something? I don't care too much about that, but I always bring something. Chit chat, be fun, mingle with people you don't know. I will introduce you. I invited you all so I think you will get along.

3. Reciprocate. Super low key is fine, just let us know you're thinking about us too! Let's go to the park or just to get coffee and chat without the kids! Let's take a nice hike or meet at a playground.

And OP, sometimes this just doesn't work out. We have been left out of things and we still keep people on our various lists for whatever reason. Or we move on from people for whatever reason. Just do what is in your power to be a great person and it will all work out as it should!

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they're even having it this year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they're even having it this year?

+1

I bet they're not!
It would be bizarre if they excluded you because you haven't reciprocated??!
A LOT of people don't open their homes to guests bc it's messy or they can't afford it or they get stressed about entertaining.
If you've had a good time together, laughed, socialized, I bet they'd include you.
If not, oh well. You'll get over it.

[Anonymous]

I would assume they aren't having it. That is super awkward if you are neighbors and will see everyone showing up and they didn't invite you. If I really didn't like you, I'd still invite you just because it's too rude of an in your face snub not to.

[Anonymous]

Or, it could have nothing to do with any of this. They've prioritized work acquaintances because DW/DH is afraid for her/his job. Grandma has cancer, so family is coming in from out of town, filling the guest list.

Sure, this gives you an opportunity to reflect on how you may (may may may) have contributed to this outcome, but leave room for the idea that it simply isn't about you at all.

[Anonymous]

People do not have the confidence to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that you're being presumptuous by assuming you weren't invited because you haven't reciprocated after being invited to their holiday party for 2 years. Are people really that petty and bean counting? Hosting a party is a lot different than planning a dinner party or even a barbecue. If you're hosting a party, you're already putting forth the time, effort and money whether you invite 20 people or 22 people.

If my neighbors stopped inviting me to their holiday party that they know I know about, they're making a conscious effort to make a statement that they don't really want the relationship. That's fine, but it would be petty of them to do that due to not being invited to a barbecue at our house or something similar. And that says more about them than it does about me.

+1
I don't think people should be that petty, but it turns out that some are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I feel like you.
It hurts that as we progress in life, I realize that a lot of friendships are simply about money. Even if it doesn't SEEM that way, it's true because of reciprocating. There are a few exceptions--really low maintenance people who maybe are more about trading favors. Watch the kids, help you move, join your wall painting, lend you a lawn mower.

We are on a 7 year plan to finish our debt. The faster we can do that, the better for everyone. It might happen sooner too.

I feel like our social budget has no place in our lives currently, including sprucing up the house so it's better for entertainment. (Or alternatively getting a regular babysitter and going out with those friends).

+if we do have a little extra cash, it's not consistent. Certainly not enough to keep a few friendships going regularly.

I don't think I have a solution. I get it...reciprocating is important to everyone. But it's a time in our life we feel friendless.

It does not have to ev about money. You can invite people to your house without sprucing up. Make a lasagna, throw hotdogs on the grill and get buns, and a tray of cookies. Done. Doesn't have to be a big exoensive thing. We host people all the time in our small house, we can seat max 8 people at the dining room table and it's tight. So we do smaller parties or invite people when it wasn't and sit outside. We did smores with a bunch of neighbors. That was bag of marshmallows, box of graham crackers and some chocolate bars. Probably $15 total. And some water/tea. Granted we have a fire pit thing already and we burned sticks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I feel like you.
It hurts that as we progress in life, I realize that a lot of friendships are simply about money. Even if it doesn't SEEM that way, it's true because of reciprocating. There are a few exceptions--really low maintenance people who maybe are more about trading favors. Watch the kids, help you move, join your wall painting, lend you a lawn mower.

We are on a 7 year plan to finish our debt. The faster we can do that, the better for everyone. It might happen sooner too.

I feel like our social budget has no place in our lives currently, including sprucing up the house so it's better for entertainment. (Or alternatively getting a regular babysitter and going out with those friends).

+if we do have a little extra cash, it's not consistent. Certainly not enough to keep a few friendships going regularly.

I don't think I have a solution. I get it...reciprocating is important to everyone. But it's a time in our life we feel friendless.

It does not have to ev about money. You can invite people to your house without sprucing up. Make a lasagna, throw hotdogs on the grill and get buns, and a tray of cookies. Done. Doesn't have to be a big exoensive thing. We host people all the time in our small house, we can seat max 8 people at the dining room table and it's tight. So we do smaller parties or invite people when it wasn't and sit outside. We did smores with a bunch of neighbors. That was bag of marshmallows, box of graham crackers and some chocolate bars. Probably $15 total. And some water/tea. Granted we have a fire pit thing already and we burned sticks.

And you would or have excluded a person you liked because they didn't reciprocate?!
I occasionally entertain and have friends who ever do (babies at home), but I adore these friends and excluding them seems malicious and bizarre.

[Anonymous]

If they're your neighbors your houses are about the same size. So it's a cop out to claim you can't host. You chose to. I have slowly over the last few years cut back on hosting parties because I realized I was spending $300+ on a bbq or football game or party for people who NEVER EVER did the same. It gets old and is no longer worth it.