Pity party: not invited to holiday party
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Anonymous
I need a little pity party to get over this. We moved to this area just over 2 years ago. Right away we met amazing neighbors who've always been super friendly and welcoming. They've invited us to their huge annual holiday party the last 2 years. They have a large family and we have a small home so we've never invited them over for dinner or anything. Not even a summer BBQ. Ugh. I guess we've been terrible at reciprocating. Anyway, the weekend for their big party is coming up and we still haven't heard anything. I'm guessing we are off the list. I honestly don't care about the actual party, but just that we loved this family and somehow fell out of favor. I think I might tear up a bit if we can hear the music and laughter that night. It sucks to feel excluded by people who you like. 
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Anonymous
| It could be an oversight. |
Anonymous
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So the large family/small house is an excuse and a non-issue. You know you could reciprocate. Invite the parents out for drinks if you don't feel like hosting but truly enjoy the company.
Also go out the night of the party. You're an adult. You don't have to sit there like someone who didn't get asked to prom. |
Anonymous
| You need to reciprocate, regardless of house size. If you need help on that front, tell us particulars and we'll tell you how to host. After the party, or after the holidays, invite them over. And in a couple weeks drop off a nice card and little holiday treat (homemade cookies or whatever). You can revive the friendship but you have to put work into it, too. Agree with PPs suggestion that you go out that night! |
Anonymous
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Thanks. We've all talked about having them over for a BBQ for a long time so we should actually DO it when it warms up. I like the idea of going out for drinks with them after New Year's. Easy and fun.
Generally we've all been so busy with school/sports, but we should definitely just make the time for friends. I think that's my goal for 2017. Schedule time with friends. And host our own parties. |
Anonymous
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We host all the time. I sometimes get sick of people who never reciprocate. It doesn't really have to be in their home. I have a good friend who has never invited me over to her home. She makes comments that her house is small and messy. She is super thoughtful and initiates play dates with our kids and dinners out with just the moms.
There are people who never have initiated anything with us. I slowly dropped them. Friendship is a two way street. |
Anonymous
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Op I feel like you.
It hurts that as we progress in life, I realize that a lot of friendships are simply about money. Even if it doesn't SEEM that way, it's true because of reciprocating. There are a few exceptions--really low maintenance people who maybe are more about trading favors. Watch the kids, help you move, join your wall painting, lend you a lawn mower. We are on a 7 year plan to finish our debt. The faster we can do that, the better for everyone. It might happen sooner too. I feel like our social budget has no place in our lives currently, including sprucing up the house so it's better for entertainment. (Or alternatively getting a regular babysitter and going out with those friends). +if we do have a little extra cash, it's not consistent. Certainly not enough to keep a few friendships going regularly. I don't think I have a solution. I get it...reciprocating is important to everyone. But it's a time in our life we feel friendless. |
Anonymous
| Check in with them and ask if you can come, say you were really looking forward to it. If they tell you they don't want you there, that's when you throw a pity party and go out. |
Anonymous
Oh my. No. That inappropriately puts them on the spot. I tend to cull guest lists when people haven't reciprocated as well. And reciprocating could be as easy as suggesting meeting at a park some Saturday morning (totally free). I just get tired of takers who won't plan or do anything but are first to RSVP to others' activities. I really don't think it's money, I think it's laziness or possibly insecurity about getting rejected. But you know what? Everyone feels a least a tinge of worry about that and we push forward. |
Anonymous
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I think that you're being presumptuous by assuming you weren't invited because you haven't reciprocated after being invited to their holiday party for 2 years. Are people really that petty and bean counting? Hosting a party is a lot different than planning a dinner party or even a barbecue. If you're hosting a party, you're already putting forth the time, effort and money whether you invite 20 people or 22 people.
If my neighbors stopped inviting me to their holiday party that they know I know about, they're making a conscious effort to make a statement that they don't really want the relationship. That's fine, but it would be petty of them to do that due to not being invited to a barbecue at our house or something similar. And that says more about them than it does about me. |
Anonymous
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I really have no sympathy. The rule of living in human society is to be social and to reciprocate. If you are unable to reciprocate do not accept invitations in the first place, because that makes you anti-social or asocial as well as a leech.
Reciprocating or hosting is not convenient. Recognize that people who host have to clean up their house and cook for you. They have to cleanup after you leave and then carry on with the day to day stress of school, work, childcare and other obligations. The excuse of "we are too poor to host" is nonsense. If there is one thing that is affordable in this country, it is food. Yes, you may not be able to afford pre-prepped and organic food, but you can go a long way if you cook from scratch. The cleaning and decluttering is elbow grease. And frankly, how long does it take to dump every bit of clutter in your entertaining space into trashbags and stow it in a bedroom? You have a small house? Then call only one couple at a time. Cook them rice, chicken, sides of veggies and a nice salad. Where is the expectation that you will throw a five-star party? And if you are embarrassed by how small, cheap, shabby your house is? Then more reason to not accept their invitation in the first place, because this is your mindset, not everyone else's. |
Anonymous
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I bet they aren't doing the party this year if it's normally a big shin dig bc it's more effort to remove you tha not
That said, we have people we adore and socialize with and they just don't reciprocate - I grew up that if someone has you over for dinnner or a play date then assuming you want the relationship to continue you invite them - otherwise I am left wondering if they only say yes to us bc they have nothing better to do. We have friends with whom we've had them over for big dinner parties and they've had us over for pizza and game night and we love that!! I don't need expensive or lavish - in fact if they just initiate something like a play date at he park I'm pretty happy |
Anonymous
No!!! Don't do this. How awkward. How do you know the party is going on this year? I agree, invite them for a BBQ or tacos or something. |
Anonymous
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Don't worry about it and stay friendly. I've always noticed that when neighbors start off super friendly and social, it all calms down after a while, because it's hard to maintain such a level of social interaction. I've seen it happen in countless situations. My favorite type of neighbor is the one who stops and chats and occasionally helps out (like during the blizzard) but nothing beyond that 
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Anonymous
What? This whole thread is getting to be about reciprocating, and the people on here who host are telling you why it's important, and you think people who work hard as hosts that start to drop non-reciprocaters, it says something about "them"? No, it actually says something about you. |