If your partner cheated, did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?

No, because I have too much personal integrity for that sort of thing.

+1
I never had sex with him again either...

[Anonymous]

Yes. An emotional affair became a real one after DH was exposed. But I realized I wasn't ready to divorce for several reasons, financially, two young children, not sure if I was making a mistake, wanting to see if DH was really committed to changing. The affair fizzled, was fun while it lasted and therapeutic, flirting, loving someone else, seeing a different pathway. When it ended it was okay. Still felt attracted to other men. It's been 3 years and the marriage is finally getting back on track and I'm happy to be here. 3 months is nothing, don't feel strange about the array of mixed emotions you feel. You are just getting started! And yes, sex immediately after finding out, then feeling completely turned off for a long time. I was transparent about doubting the marriage, we just had to go through that. We are in a good place now, but the relationship dynamic has completely changed, in a good way. He does more, is tuned in, I'm more independent, have developed my career, make good money, work to love myself, forgive my faults, and know if I had to go it alone I'd be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?

So did I, and ended up pregnant with a viable pregnancy after having had 4 unexplained miscarriages. Weird how life works. Anyways, after 2 years I did have a revenge affair and it was (is) fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?

Uh, what? It sounds like you were turned on by his cheating....

That is normal. It's some form of bonding. You can google it. Happens quite often.

"Hysterical bonding." With us, we'd always been very sexual, and the intense sex went on for months after he started talking about his betrayal. We had an unhealthy, overly enmeshed dynamic, so it took me a while to start pulling back and focus on disentangling and finding more healthy detachment. It took about a year and some twisted-up, abusive incidents on his part before I woke up more, got serious about protecting myself, and since then, I don't want to have sex with him, and I don't, even though he's been in intense therapy, is making progress, and we're both working our way out of the old patterns. I am not forcing myself to do anything before and unless I'm ready.

I've been open with him about how it will probably take me a long time to work through this. He knows I'm not a vengeful person, quite the contrary, but I asked him at some point early on, if he felt he could handle it if for some reason I got off track and made any of the mistakes he had in pursuing other people. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it. I told him I can't guarantee I wouldn't be invulnerable at this point, but I highly doubt I would cheat. I don't believe two wrongs make a right, and it's never made me feel better to hurt someone who hurt me. But I made it clear I was struggling, one day at a time. By being made to think about how he himself probably wouldn't get over me being with another person, it gave him more of a sense of how hard it was for me to stay with him after what he'd done. I think it's helped him see that if he really is committed to being with me, he has to be patient, consistent, and doing everything it takes to change, to develop more mindfulness of himself and of me, to protect me rather than take things out on me, and to let me take as long as I need to heal and feel safe with him again. And if either of us can't do it, so be it. We're giving it our all, and doing everything positive we can. We have kids, and that's a huge part of the motivation to stay put and work on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?

No, because I have too much personal integrity for that sort of thing.

+1 Plenty of opportunities. Plenty of attractive guys around. But, I never did such a thing, even though I felt perfectly entitled to because I have more integrity than that. Just because my ex stooped to that level, doesn't mean I had to fall into the gutter as well. Plus it would have just allowed him to justify his own behavior in his f'd up mind. Also, with the infidelity, I had enough drama in my life. The last thing I wanted was more drama with someone else. The last thing I wanted was another man demanding things of me.

[Anonymous]

I had a revenge affair and it was great. It was empowering, validating and turned the tables. It also showed DH how it feels to be on the other end and brought us close again because of empathy for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine never cheated but if he did not only would I cheat I would get pregnant too. Then I'd leave.

That'll show him!

[Anonymous]

Dad was a hopeless philanderer of the Mad Men era. When his first affair was discovered by the OW's DH, the DH called mom out of the blue to (A) inform her of the affair and (B) and propose that they hook up in revenge. (Does anyone remember phone books?) She was shocked and turned down the offer from the stranger on the phone. They divorced after the second (discovered) affair. Dad married the AP - my stepmother for the next 17 yrs - and she eventually divorced him too. Dad's now in his mid-70's, and I still can't keep track of his SO. My wife and I met three in one weekend visit. When I called him on it once he said, "Son, there are a lot of 'em out there!"

[Anonymous]

No. My husband's affair made me realize what a dishonest person he is. I caught him in lie after lie. It made me want to always be an honest person and be nothing like him. Living well is the best revenge. Cheating would just bring me down to his level.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I just found out my spouse has been cheating. I am devastated. We won't make it. But before we split up I will cheat on him. It won't save the marriage or harm it - the marriage is over. But it will make me feel human again. Sort of.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people here are talking about integrity and the high road, but it also make we wonder how much of it is that you don't get to be the "good" spouse. Like you are no longer in a position to get upset, or take your time to get over the betrayal, or whatever because now the "bad" spouse can say you are both in the same unfaithful boat?

[Anonymous]

It depends and varies with each + every individual.

Some may find it gratifying while others would take a higher road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I just found out my spouse has been cheating. I am devastated. We won't make it. But before we split up I will cheat on him. It won't save the marriage or harm it - the marriage is over. But it will make me feel human again. Sort of.

Why even ...

I am not one to talk (I cheated) but a revenge affair I just don't get. Why not just get out?

[Anonymous]

If you want to stay in the marriage, do whatever you need to do to feel better and face your future with your husband as resentment free as possible.
If you aren't sure if you want to stay or not, hold off on this line of thinking. You are not yourself right now and shouldn't make any sudden irreversible moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?

If my DW cheated on me, I would not cheat in retaliation. But I certainly would insist on a "hall pass" of some sort as a condition of reconciliation.

If my DW did that to me...I would just leave. I will not be with a whore and the fact she disrespected me so much.