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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I had crazy sex with my DH in the few days after I found out he cheated, [/b]but haven't since (it's been three months). I feel a mixture of emotions toward him most of the time, those at the forefront usually being disdain, fury, and hurt. I simply don't want to have sex with him, and just don't know when I will. Part of me, however, fantasizes about having a revenge affair or fling.

If you did this, how did it turn out? Did you regret it?[/quote]

Uh, what? It sounds like you were turned on by his cheating....[/quote]

That is normal. It's some form of bonding. You can google it. Happens quite often.[/quote]

"Hysterical bonding." With us, we'd always been very sexual, and the intense sex went on for months after he started talking about his betrayal. We had an unhealthy, overly enmeshed dynamic, so it took me a while to start pulling back and focus on disentangling and finding more healthy detachment. It took about a year and some twisted-up, abusive incidents on his part before I woke up more, got serious about protecting myself, and since then, I don't want to have sex with him, and I don't, even though he's been in intense therapy, is making progress, and we're both working our way out of the old patterns. I am not forcing myself to do anything before and unless I'm ready.

I've been open with him about how it will probably take me a long time to work through this. He knows I'm not a vengeful person, quite the contrary, but I asked him at some point early on, if he felt he could handle it if for some reason I got off track and made any of the mistakes he had in pursuing other people. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it. I told him I can't guarantee I wouldn't be invulnerable at this point, but I highly doubt I would cheat. I don't believe two wrongs make a right, and it's never made me feel better to hurt someone who hurt me. But I made it clear I was struggling, one day at a time. By being made to think about how he himself probably wouldn't get over me being with another person, it gave him more of a sense of how hard it was for me to stay with him after what he'd done. I think it's helped him see that if he really is committed to being with me, he has to be patient, consistent, and doing everything it takes to change, to develop more mindfulness of himself and of me, to protect me rather than take things out on me, and to let me take as long as I need to heal and feel safe with him again. And if either of us can't do it, so be it. We're giving it our all, and doing everything positive we can. We have kids, and that's a huge part of the motivation to stay put and work on things.[/quote]

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