Loser Older Sister; Successful Little Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to vent. People usually talk about the overachieving older sibling who leaves other siblings in their shadow. But my case is different. I am the older sibling who has consistently messed up leaving a litter of failures in my wake. My younger sister looks up to me as a cautionary tale and has gone out of the way to NOT end up like me. I eat unhealthy and have gained weight. She immediately freaks out that she'll develop a belly too since we share genes and rushes to the gym and starts dieting. I major in liberal arts and struggle for years and she says she wants to make money and have a stable job and enrolls in finance courses. I have absolutely shitty in laws, she ends up with a great guy with in laws who love her like their daughter.

I just can't deal. Her success almost make me feel MORE like a failure because we're sisters, we had the same start. Somehow she always makes better decisions and is more put together and much much smarter than me. She would NEVER end up with in laws like mine because she is a great judge of character and has enough self worth to walk out of a situation she doesn't like. I always had low self esteem and settle for whoever puts up with me.

How can I get out of this toxic cycle and succeed in my own right?

Are you really the little sister pretending to be the big sister? Because you sound fake.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an only child, but I can really relate to your plight about making bad decisions and low self-esteem resulting from making bad decisions.

I, too, feel like I made a lot of bad decisions and have no idea why I make so many bad decisions and continue to make them (mostly career related). Here is a list of my bad decisions: 1) majoring in a liberal arts field (history) that is completely useless, 2) going to law school (which I had no interest in, was pressured into it by my parents), 3) graduating, but deciding not to practice law and instead going into another field, which led me to never have an actual career, just a series of low-paying jobs, 4) getting a second graduate degree in a low-paying field that's hard to find a job in, and 5) delaying having children which resulted in an easy first pregnancy/birth but then resulted in secondary infertility (which I'm currently dealing with).

I don't know why I made so many bad decisions, which really negatively impacted my life and have resulted in where I am today: a SAHM with little to no career potential. It's really sad. I was so smart in high school/college, graduated with honors, etc. but today I feel like I wasted my potential.

I am trying to turn things around though. I see a therapist, I try to mindfully make only good decisions, and I try to change things about my life that I don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are so narcissistic to think of your sister's life only in terms of yours. This is why you suck at everything. Get your head out of your ass.

+1

Yup. This exactly. Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am the little sister you describe in so many words.
Truth is I struggle with an eating disorder and crippling anxiety
I hide it bc I am too proud, my sister doesn't know
You really can't say she's perfect.
Live your life bc that's all you can do

[Anonymous]

Start with the things you can control. It sounds like you could use weight. That's fairly easy and makes a world of difference. Then tackle career.

[Anonymous]

stop comparing yourself to your sibling. seriously. stop.

[Anonymous]

World Needs Plenty a Bartendas!

[Anonymous]

OK, she learned by watching you, you say. Can you learn by watching her? Or someone else who you look up to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to vent. People usually talk about the overachieving older sibling who leaves other siblings in their shadow. But my case is different. I am the older sibling who has consistently messed up leaving a litter of failures in my wake. My younger sister looks up to me as a cautionary tale and has gone out of the way to NOT end up like me. I eat unhealthy and have gained weight. She immediately freaks out that she'll develop a belly too since we share genes and rushes to the gym and starts dieting. I major in liberal arts and struggle for years and she says she wants to make money and have a stable job and enrolls in finance courses. I have absolutely shitty in laws, she ends up with a great guy with in laws who love her like their daughter.

I just can't deal. Her success almost make me feel MORE like a failure because we're sisters, we had the same start. Somehow she always makes better decisions and is more put together and much much smarter than me. She would NEVER end up with in laws like mine because she is a great judge of character and has enough self worth to walk out of a situation she doesn't like. I always had low self esteem and settle for whoever puts up with me.

How can I get out of this toxic cycle and succeed in my own right?

I think your sister is mean to tell you that she is trying not to end up like with you. That's pretty b*tchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have specific suggestions for you, but I want to encourage you to be "kinder" to yourself. For every high achieving older sibling, there is one who was the repository of everything that was dysfunctional about their parents and their needs/inexperience, etc. while the younger siblings escaped having to hold the bag for the parents disappointments with their own lives. I'm not wording this very artfully but I hope you get my point.

Though you were raised together, your sister's experience is not yours. Her success doesn't make you a failure. Life is long. Run your own race. Hang in.

I think this was beautifully said and I agree 100%! You are not a failure, OP. Your journey is just different.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two younger sisters that I love to death but we get compared all the time and it drives me insane. I think that tends to happen when you have multiple girls in the family. It's hard not to compare myself to them when other people do it all the time. Seriously though, no one has a perfect life, not even you sister!! I always say to myself: compare and despair. Try to find some new interests and hobbies that make you happy!

[Anonymous]

Take it day by day and make lifestyle changes. The positive changes will become addictive. Dont look at others for comparison. Just focus on building yourself up. I know this sounds silly, but on Instagram, you'll find many motivating accounts of lots of people who have turned their lives around, and are completely comfortable sharing their before and afters. Find motivators that are not your sister.

[Anonymous]

Is your sister saying these things? How she doesn't want to end up like you? Who has been putting you down your whole life? Where is this low or lack of self esteem coming from? Are you comparing or is she bringing it up and your parents? Who says her in laws are great? Maybe they are nightmares and she is good at hiding or pretending. Is she already making a lot of money or talking about it? I am an older sibling and I am "less" achieving than my younger sister. She is a surgeon, I am a teacher, she is very pretty, I am ok. All that was ever dumped on me was done by my mother, who cherishes my younger sister, but luckily sister and I get along great since we realize that our mom is extremely messed up. Even the fact that I have kids and sister doesn't, became a negative for me to my mom, no joke. Even when sister couldn't have kids that became my fault because I should have given her(sister) a child. This is no joke. Even the fact that I am thinner and sister is now heavier is a negative for me since middle aged women are ugly if skinny. But I am overcoming it all, I am not letting her ruin my life any more, and that is what you need to stop doing, you are letting this issue rule your life. It is your life, not theirs. So, is it your sister who is bringing you down, or a parent? Now, it is you thinking about it, but early on, somebody else started this and caused you to have no confidence. As for how to cope with it, life's short, stop obsessing over "grass is greener" and enjoy your own life.

[Anonymous]

I am a younger sister, and can say it is much easier to be the younger sister. You can see what your older sister struggled with and if you think you may be anything like her, make adjustments. Don't beat yourself up OP.

In our family our mom had to have a "golden child" and she switched between us. If your family has to vilify someone. PP 13:21 has some good points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make better decisions.

This is just it, I can't. I don't know if it is because I am stupid or something else. I always make terrible life choices. Sometimes, I even know its bad but I still do them.

Like what? What are you 'terrible choices' up to now? You sound literate. You're married. Your life is just not perfect, and for some reason you think your sister's life it. I have news for you. It's not. Stop focusing on your sister's choices. Do you think you need to join a gym? Well, do it. Regardless of other people's choices in your life.