Loser Older Sister; Successful Little Sister
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Anonymous
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I need to vent. People usually talk about the overachieving older sibling who leaves other siblings in their shadow. But my case is different. I am the older sibling who has consistently messed up leaving a litter of failures in my wake. My younger sister looks up to me as a cautionary tale and has gone out of the way to NOT end up like me. I eat unhealthy and have gained weight. She immediately freaks out that she'll develop a belly too since we share genes and rushes to the gym and starts dieting. I major in liberal arts and struggle for years and she says she wants to make money and have a stable job and enrolls in finance courses. I have absolutely shitty in laws, she ends up with a great guy with in laws who love her like their daughter.
I just can't deal. Her success almost make me feel MORE like a failure because we're sisters, we had the same start. Somehow she always makes better decisions and is more put together and much much smarter than me. She would NEVER end up with in laws like mine because she is a great judge of character and has enough self worth to walk out of a situation she doesn't like. I always had low self esteem and settle for whoever puts up with me. How can I get out of this toxic cycle and succeed in my own right? |
Anonymous
| Make better decisions. |
Anonymous
This is just it, I can't. I don't know if it is because I am stupid or something else. I always make terrible life choices. Sometimes, I even know its bad but I still do them. |
Anonymous
| Start small. What is something you can easily change and improve in your life? What is the easiest thing to change right now in your life so you can see results? |
Anonymous
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Go to a therapist.
It doesn't have anything to do with her, really. Focus on yourself and why you are making bad decisions. |
Anonymous
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I don't have specific suggestions for you, but I want to encourage you to be "kinder" to yourself. For every high achieving older sibling, there is one who was the repository of everything that was dysfunctional about their parents and their needs/inexperience, etc. while the younger siblings escaped having to hold the bag for the parents disappointments with their own lives. I'm not wording this very artfully but I hope you get my point.
Though you were raised together, your sister's experience is not yours. Her success doesn't make you a failure. Life is long. Run your own race. Hang in. |
Anonymous
Do you have a mentor or someone who you respect and trust? Do what that person says for a while. It's easier to see things from the outside sometimes. If you aren't trusting yourself, lean on people you trust. Just for a bit. You will see that you have what you need to make decisions and that there is plenty to make of your life. |
Anonymous
I usually ask my smart younger sister to make decisions for me as I am so hesitant about making my own decisions. I hate making decisions and usually defer to other people in my life. No surprise, when it comes to big life stuff, I suck and I let the situation resolve itself instead of taking an action. |
Anonymous
| Don't ask her. Your relationship with her is bringing you down. Separate yourself. Find a mentor and a therapist. |
Anonymous
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I guess I could be described as the successful sibling, but in reality I've made more than my fair share of mistakes and bad decisions. The biggest differential between my siblings mistakes and mine is the rate at which we bounce back. When I screw up I can let go of it within a day or two, making steps and a plan on how to move forward. My sister wallows in the mistake for months or even years. I can't live like that. Even really small stuff will rock her boat, ruining days, vacations, careers, etc.
Let go and move forward, every single day. Best to you. |
Anonymous
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Oh, OP, I can totally relate. Like some others have said, be kinder to yourself. But also, you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister. think of it this way - if your sister had worse in-laws than you, you would still have the same in-laws that you have now. Whether hers are better or worse doesn't change yours. Same with the job/finances. If she was making tons more $$ than you, or if she was making tons less than you - you'd still be making what you make.
Her successes don't affect yours. If you try, you will ALWAYS find people that are better off than you and find people worse off than you. It's really just a matter of perspective. Please be kind to yourself. |
Anonymous
Great advice, all of it. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you are a pessimist. Make better decisions for yourself and don't worry about what your sister does. If you wanted to make money, you should've gone into finance. I you don't want to be overweight, eat better and work out. These aren't hard things.
You knew your in laws before you got married, correct? |
Anonymous
+1,000 You need an objective, professional third party to help you dig into why you make the choices you make (and why you feel you must compare yourself to your sister). Therapy should also give you behavioral help so you change the patterns that are problematic. If you think you can't afford it, check insurance first and also look for therapists who do sliding scale fees or payment plans. |
Anonymous
| Wow, you are so narcissistic to think of your sister's life only in terms of yours. This is why you suck at everything. Get your head out of your ass. |