Tips for Dealing with Anxious Spouse

[Anonymous]

I think I'd lay it out something like this -- "DH, you clearly are dealing with some serious anxiety issues, and you need help with this. I have been enabling you for a long time by taking more and more of the housework and childcare on myself so that it doesn't trigger your anxiety, but it's clear from your panic attack last night that it's not helping you get better. I will support you in getting whatever kind of help you need, but I cannot enable you anymore because it's not healthy for either of us, or for the kids." If he doesn't get help, the only other way to stop enabling him is to leave, but I wouldn't drop that on him right away. If the initial comment or discussion doesn't get any response from him, then I would tell him that you have to leave if he refuses to get help. If he still won't get help, you leave. I fully believe in supporting a spouse who is suffering with mental illness, but if he's refusing to get help and dragging the rest of the family down with him, you have an obligation to look after your children too. He's not the only one who matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

He hasn't had a job for 10 years?

It was 2007 or maybe 2008. He went back to grad school until 2010 or 2011.

I remember you.

What else are you looking for DCUM to tell you?
You've been given all the advice. It's clear you don't want to leave him.
No one here has a magical answer. The bottom line is your husband does not want to change. Why should he's got a sweet deal.

If all of the advice is "leave him" or "confront him," then yes, I've been given "all of the advice." I've been working on the latter, but the newest wrinkle is the admission of anxiety and the chest pains. Thus, the advice I am looking for is how to approach him in light of this anxiety, a question captured by the title of the thread. Not sure why you feel the need to post a rude response....

The anxiety was obvious in your earlier threads. As for the chest pains, call 911 every time. Then he will either stop faking or get some treatment.

Your confrontation is clearly not working, and it's probably because you back down every time. Stop having sex, stop doing things for him. Say "I'm not willing to [_____] until you get treatment for your anxiety and depression." And don't put up a brave facade and then give in.

[Anonymous]

The chest pains may be real, but they can be caused by anxiety. I've had it myself. It can be acid reflux too. Bottom line, it's the same. He has severe depression and anxiety and you need to stop enabling it. Once he gets on some meds, the chest pains will go away.

[Anonymous]

I would practice a little tough love here since you have a lot on your plate as well.

Either see a professional to get evaluated for this or you will re-consider spending the rest of your life walking around on eggshells.

Sounds fair to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Practice self-care and self-love. Set boundaries for yourself so you don't have to become his rescuer. There is only so much you can fix. Therapy a good idea. Maybe help find him a part time job.

[Anonymous]

OP, no one on DCUM can give you worthwhile advice about this. Go to a therapist yourself, especially if your husband won't.

[LastAcorn99]

Aww...this must be very hard on you, OP. Like some have suggested, I believe that it would be best to seek the help of a counselor. Please know that you have my deepest respect for choosing to make your marriage work despite all the struggles you’re facing. Ignore the rude comments and just continue to encourage your husband to get the help he needs. Sending you hugs and prayers.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it takes a long time to muddle through an unacceptable situation. I think OP wants a supportive functional husband and would probably accept some compromises if basic needs were met. She's getting nothing. Crumbs of a relationship. No financial support. A guy who is abdicating adult responsibilities. It sucks. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Your husband had a panic attack. They often happen to people who are under a lot of stress. My aunt had them when her husband was having a lot of medical problems and she was told he might die. I don't think it's a good idea to give your husband an ultimatum when he is so stressed out that his body can no longer regulate itself. He should not have blamed you for provoking the event, but there's obviously a lot more to your household dynamic than what is in your post. Do you care about him at all? Or do you just want the dishwasher unloaded?

Your husband absolutely needs help, but he also needs a loving spouse to support him. Tell him you are very worried about his health and that he needs to see a psychologist. Offer to help him find one. You need to do this in a supportive way, not a threatening way. Print out a list. Make the appointment for him if you need to. I have helped my own husband through similar issues, and honestly, I felt like I was dealing with a 3rd child. It was hard. But the person who had it harder was most certainly my husband, who was so anxious he was unable function like a normal human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he's too stressed out to help around the house but not too stressed out for sex? Um, okay. But I agree with PPs, he has to do something proactive to get help.

OP here; that is one of my beefs with him, but apparently I cause him chest pains when I criticize him or point out that time spent playing video games could be time spent cleaning. I really thought he was exaggerating about the impact of my "nagging," but now I feel like total crap because he wasn't.

Your nagging is not the cause. His untreated anxiety is. Don't put that on yourself - you have the right to have basic expectations of him as a husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your husband had a panic attack. They often happen to people who are under a lot of stress. My aunt had them when her husband was having a lot of medical problems and she was told he might die. I don't think it's a good idea to give your husband an ultimatum when he is so stressed out that his body can no longer regulate itself. He should not have blamed you for provoking the event, but there's obviously a lot more to your household dynamic than what is in your post. Do you care about him at all? Or do you just want the dishwasher unloaded?

Your husband absolutely needs help, but he also needs a loving spouse to support him. Tell him you are very worried about his health and that he needs to see a psychologist. Offer to help him find one. You need to do this in a supportive way, not a threatening way. Print out a list. Make the appointment for him if you need to. I have helped my own husband through similar issues, and honestly, I felt like I was dealing with a 3rd child. It was hard. But the person who had it harder was most certainly my husband, who was so anxious he was unable function like a normal human being.

What is he stressed about? He doesn't have a job and the bulk of the housework is done by his wife.

[Anonymous]

The only way these problems can be solved is if he takes medication and seeks counseling. I think you need to take a hard line on that. If he doesn't do it, you are going to leave. Otherwise, things will stay as they are forever, or just get worse. There is no other way you can "approach him" about issues, there is no other "coping mechanism" that will help you.

[Anonymous]

He's using anxiety as a coping mechanism. If he won't see a therapist for it then you should say you are following his lead and are not going to take it seriously.

Stop having sex. Seriously. I know I'll get flamed for this, but say you're worried about him needing to go to the ER again. If he says he's fine at night - still don't have sex - have a conversation the next day about how to restructure things around the house. Until that happens- stop having sex!

Also, at this point - after 10 years - he's not unemployed - that implies a transitional period - he's a SAHD! A stay at home parent to an older child should handle most of the household responsibility.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What exactly did they say at the ER?

Anxiety can be areally easy diagnosis when there's no real health problems and someone freaked complaining of chest pain. (This could have heartburn)

If this had happened to me I would have been mortified!

Your husband is milking it for all its worth... If I were I would develop some anxiety too! Whenever you get home and he's on the couch absorbed in video games, say your chest hurts - do what he did - go to the ER too if you have to. (Do this on a weekend when your son has a sleepover)

After everything calms down in the ER and they ask if you're stressed - say YES! Say you have to do all the housework and you're the only one with a job and you get no help. Maybe hearing a doctor tell your husband that he needs to step up or risk destroying your health will have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did they say at the ER?

Anxiety can be areally easy diagnosis when there's no real health problems and someone freaked complaining of chest pain. (This could have heartburn)

If this had happened to me I would have been mortified!

Your husband is milking it for all its worth... If I were I would develop some anxiety too! Whenever you get home and he's on the couch absorbed in video games, say your chest hurts - do what he did - go to the ER too if you have to. (Do this on a weekend when your son has a sleepover)

After everything calms down in the ER and they ask if you're stressed - say YES! Say you have to do all the housework and you're the only one with a job and you get no help. Maybe hearing a doctor tell your husband that he needs to step up or risk destroying your health will have an impact.

They said his blood pressure was high (170/120), his blood sugar was high, there was no sign of a heart attack or blockage, and that the neck and chest pains he was complaining of were indicative of a panic attack.

Great suggestion about getting my doctor to explain to DH how unfair he is being, and thanks to all for the other helpful comments. I won't post again about my issues, but I really appreciate the input.