Tips for Dealing with Anxious Spouse

[Anonymous]

My DH has developed anxiety for which he will not yet take medication or seek counselling. I'm very tired of walking on eggshells and need some coping mechanisms. Last week, I pretty gently suggested he try to pick up some slack around the house, and he landed in the ER last night with a full-blown panic attack because I "stressed him out" last week. For context, the conversation was Tuesday in the car, he ignored me that night, and then he said he wanted to talk about it more on Wednesday and Thursday (but he never did and I didn't raise it). He started having chest pains on the couch last night while watching TV.

I'm covering 100% of the bills, dealing with my own health stuff, fulfilling his sexual needs, and doing more than 50% of the childcare and house upkeep. I don't want to kill the man, but I don't know how to communicate with him as he is at the moment. I'm both terrified and frustrated.

[Anonymous]

He has to go seek help via medication and counselling, preferably Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You can't fix this for him. He needs to find it within himself to go get help.

Best of luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

What happened at the ER?

I think you have to take a very hard line here and refuse to discuss anything else until he gets treatment. If it's this bad and he's still refusing, he's not going to get there with anything but a very hard shove from you. Tell him that

[Anonymous]

Tell him that he has the choice between a therapist, medication, and marriage counseling. Tell him that every night, chest pains or no chest pains. If he says he has chest pains again, call 911 for him. Enough accommodation!

[Anonymous]

So he's too stressed out to help around the house but not too stressed out for sex? Um, okay. But I agree with PPs, he has to do something proactive to get help.

[Anonymous]

Is he unemployed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he unemployed?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he's too stressed out to help around the house but not too stressed out for sex? Um, okay. But I agree with PPs, he has to do something proactive to get help.

OP here; that is one of my beefs with him, but apparently I cause him chest pains when I criticize him or point out that time spent playing video games could be time spent cleaning. I really thought he was exaggerating about the impact of my "nagging," but now I feel like total crap because he wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

[Anonymous]

He's using his anxiety to get away with being a part of the household and relationship. I would give him an ultimatum:

Marriage counseling
Or
Psychologist
Or
He reads books about coping with anxiety and works on his issues (besides receiving blow jobs and playing video games)

He could have been totally playing the chest pains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

He hasn't had a job for 10 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

He hasn't had a job for 10 years?

It was 2007 or maybe 2008. He went back to grad school until 2010 or 2011.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

He hasn't had a job for 10 years?

It was 2007 or maybe 2008. He went back to grad school until 2010 or 2011.

I remember you.

What else are you looking for DCUM to tell you?
You've been given all the advice. It's clear you don't want to leave him.
No one here has a magical answer. The bottom line is your husband does not want to change. Why should he's got a sweet deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa there, OP. You failed to mention that he was unemployed. That is so stressful! When I was laid off I drank and ate salty snacks every dang day. I was heading towards a major depressive episode when I got a great new job.

You need to organize a time to talk calmly about expectations while he is between jobs. Agree on a division of labor. Don't just lash out at him.

I've posted before about my frustrations on that front. He is a SAHD after losing his job about 10 years and not looking any further. When I engage calmly on expectations, he says I'm stressing him out. He indicates that he is anxious but not depressed.

He hasn't had a job for 10 years?

It was 2007 or maybe 2008. He went back to grad school until 2010 or 2011.

I remember you.

What else are you looking for DCUM to tell you?
You've been given all the advice. It's clear you don't want to leave him.
No one here has a magical answer. The bottom line is your husband does not want to change. Why should he's got a sweet deal.

If all of the advice is "leave him" or "confront him," then yes, I've been given "all of the advice." I've been working on the latter, but the newest wrinkle is the admission of anxiety and the chest pains. Thus, the advice I am looking for is how to approach him in light of this anxiety, a question captured by the title of the thread. Not sure why you feel the need to post a rude response....