How do I get my husband to take on more responsibility (older kids)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there anything at home you're in charge of that he cares about? He probably isn't taking care of what you ask because he doesn't care. Find out what he cares about and assign him those things.

Thanks PP and to all the other PPs. Your point gets to the heart of things though: I just don't think there are very many things he cares about. He has certain pet peeves - beds must be made and house must be de-cluttered and vacuumed. So he does that. But most other things, he just doesn't care. Plus he seems to have this insane 50yo learned helplessness. He loves the kids but just doesn't / can't invest any energy in anything beyond his own immediate needs and preferences. Our oldest needs braces, and my husband balked at the cost of the first orthodontist we saw. I told him fine, that was on him to do this summer -- get some other opinions, figure it out, etc. Not a thing has been done, and it will not be done unless I do it (and pay for it myself, separate finances are another wrinkle in this story.)

And yeah, I get that the list isn't incredibly awful (there's more than I wrote here, but obviously none of it is back breaking.) But I just want to be able to avoid being the sole person responsible for every single thing in life.

[Anonymous]

You'll get a lot of why did you put up w this - but we need to deal w your reality which is a lot of our realities

I had to carve off very clear and distinct tasks and slowly increase them - one of them was cooking dinner twice a week when he's working from home - took me actually typing out instructions but once he had those he did it and it's helped immeasurably. I also gave him all house maintenance stuff and we outsource the rest like laundry cleaning yard.

The refrain j get is "what you are always saying I don't do enough" ugh - hugs to you

Agree with this, down to the incredibly annoying refrain. ("Ummm... no, if you are doing 25% and I am doing 75%, then the problem is not that I'm saying you don't do enough, but that you in fact are not doing enough.)

I have also found that the approach mentioned above is one of the better ones. Choose something specific and concrete, and then ramp it up slowly. For us, it has been school lunches and some of the pet related chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 3 strategies I use.

1) outsource and let DH know where the money is going and why. downside: effectively you end up paying for DH's irresponsibility.

2) vote with my feet. literally just leave the house so DH has to take care of things. as in, "DH, two nights a week I am staying at work until 8. Somebody has to get the kids, make dinner, etc." downside: he'll probably get them mcdonalds.

3) just stop doing things that you can carve off that he might so on his own, like his laundry or planning trips to see his relatives.

I like you.

The first thing I'd stop doing is his laundry.

Op mentioned separate finances. I'd be having a come to Jesus meeting about this shit. Division of labor, braces, equal financial contributions, all of it.

[Anonymous]

Outsource what you can. Not worth fighting with him. He will just grow more resentful and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. This amount of separateness and non-cooperation is unacceptable.

And stop doing his laundry FFS! Pick out some things to stop doing. Calmly inform him that dinner on Fridays is his responsibility, and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he needs to sit down with the kids and order the school supplies and birthday presents. Step away and let it be his responsibility if it doesn't get done.

Yes, stop doing his laundry if he doesn't think it matters.

But yeah, also agree that the lack of teamwork is unacceptable. I really don't know what you do with that. You can have some come to Jesus talks or suggest counseling, but as you say, it seems pretty entrenched for 50 years, so he'd have to be willing to change.

[Anonymous]

A strict time divide really helps. I go to work early and come home early. DH goes in late and stays late. Therefore DH handles 100 percent of kid lunches, getting ready, drop off, breakfast and morning dishes. He also does all the laundry. I do everything else, including all the "default parent" stuff. I spend more hours each week in house and childcare but honestly, the deficit is way smaller than in most families I know. Also, DH always stops on his way home to pick up anything we need from the grocery store.

You have GOT to fix this, and not let it slide. It was really bad for our marriage when I felt like I was doing everything.

[Anonymous]

We did this earlier in our career as parents than you, but I got to a breaking point also. My husband really had no idea how much I was doing because I was just doing it and not asking for help. So, we sat down and I calmly told him how much I was doing and asked him to help out more. I made some suggestions for what he could be in charge of, he took some, made some others. It wasnt a one-day conversation. But it was very helpful and now we have a much more fair division of labor. When I feel that I am once again doing more than he is, we have the conversation again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with what has been said regarding doing less yourself and setting him up to do more. And you need to merge finances stat. But I would also say, do some thinking about how you communicate with him. If every time you ask him something goes badly, you need to try a different approach. He is probably whining and criticizing you to distract you from the task. Do not be distracted. Do not ask him to "help". Say "I am no longer willing to do all of the cooking. On Friday night, dinner is your responsibility." Or pick something else like driving a kid somewhere, so that he feels some heat. Then prepare to let the chips fall and ride out the blowback.

Next time he accuses you of breaking his balls or whatever, say "That is disrespectful. I think we need marriage counseling." Repeat like a broken record and if he doesn't changer his ways, make the appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll get a lot of why did you put up w this - but we need to deal w your reality which is a lot of our realities

I had to carve off very clear and distinct tasks and slowly increase them - one of them was cooking dinner twice a week when he's working from home - took me actually typing out instructions but once he had those he did it and it's helped immeasurably. I also gave him all house maintenance stuff and we outsource the rest like laundry cleaning yard.

The refrain j get is "what you are always saying I don't do enough" ugh - hugs to you

sadly the same situation here.

First DH did nothing, bare minimum, half-assed what he did do.
Second, he did purely mechanical stuff (take garbage out, put kid to bed, etc.) and usually had to be told when to do so. Eventually he knew what to do when, he had a lot of recurring calendar invites! He still wouldn't see or do basic stuff - walked around in a fog thinking about his iPhone and office work.
Third, he got in charge of managing more plus his mechanical stuff. This is when my headache of managing the house, property, repairs, vehicles, kids, sports, vacations, health, taxes, etc. (in addition to my 50 hour a week job) went away. DH is now less clueless on how a family household actually works.

But man, he was sure clueless 7 years ago. Part of this was his timid mother did everything for his father and kids when he grew up. no role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling. This amount of separateness and non-cooperation is unacceptable.

And stop doing his laundry FFS! Pick out some things to stop doing. Calmly inform him that dinner on Fridays is his responsibility, and see what happens.

well he brings home his fave - $100 of sushi!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling. This amount of separateness and non-cooperation is unacceptable.

And stop doing his laundry FFS! Pick out some things to stop doing. Calmly inform him that dinner on Fridays is his responsibility, and see what happens.

well he brings home his fave - $100 of sushi!

As long as he's paying, roll with it.

Give him things to do that cannot be done with money. Stop dealing with his family! I stopped buying gifts for DH'S family, told them all casually in an email that DH was doing it this year and I was looking forward to seeing what he chose. He blinked on Christmas eve and they all got crap. MIL and SIL congratulated me on holding the line. Really, OP, he sounds like an ass, but you are probably doing way too much and should just make some cuts to your list.

[Anonymous]

You'll get a lot of why did you put up w this - but we need to deal w your reality which is a lot of our realities

I had to carve off very clear and distinct tasks and slowly increase them - one of them was cooking dinner twice a week when he's working from home - took me actually typing out instructions but once he had those he did it and it's helped immeasurably. I also gave him all house maintenance stuff and we outsource the rest like laundry cleaning yard.

The refrain j get is "what you are always saying I don't do enough" ugh - hugs to you

sadly the same situation here.

First DH did nothing, bare minimum, half-assed what he did do.
Second, he did purely mechanical stuff (take garbage out, put kid to bed, etc.) and usually had to be told when to do so. Eventually he knew what to do when, he had a lot of recurring calendar invites! He still wouldn't see or do basic stuff - walked around in a fog thinking about his iPhone and office work.
Third, he got in charge of managing more plus his mechanical stuff. This is when my headache of managing the house, property, repairs, vehicles, kids, sports, vacations, health, taxes, etc. (in addition to my 50 hour a week job) went away. DH is now less clueless on how a family household actually works.

But man, he was sure clueless 7 years ago. Part of this was his timid mother did everything for his father and kids when he grew up. no role model.

This is so close to my situation that it is eerie (I am the PP above that also responded to the top quoted post.) I'd say we are on stage two, and you are at least giving me hope for stage three. Same dynamics in Dh's family of origin. So many of our issues is DH replicating the very problematic dynamic between his parents though politically and "officially" DH thinks of himself as a feminist. (I actually really like both my in-laws but aspects of their own relationship are just the most toxic version of Stepford Wives.) I'd love to bring this up with him but it is (obviously) such a tinderbox I've avoided it thus far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A strict time divide really helps. I go to work early and come home early. DH goes in late and stays late. Therefore DH handles 100 percent of kid lunches, getting ready, drop off, breakfast and morning dishes. He also does all the laundry. I do everything else, including all the "default parent" stuff. I spend more hours each week in house and childcare but honestly, the deficit is way smaller than in most families I know. Also, DH always stops on his way home to pick up anything we need from the grocery store.

You have GOT to fix this, and not let it slide. It was really bad for our marriage when I felt like I was doing everything.

My husband has weaseled out of most everything for 20 years now and some days I can't stand to even look at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this earlier in our career as parents than you, but I got to a breaking point also. My husband really had no idea how much I was doing because I was just doing it and not asking for help. So, we sat down and I calmly told him how much I was doing and asked him to help out more. I made some suggestions for what he could be in charge of, he took some, made some others. It wasnt a one-day conversation. But it was very helpful and now we have a much more fair division of labor. When I feel that I am once again doing more than he is, we have the conversation again.

How come men never ask for advice on how to get their wives to do their fair share? Is it that men really don't realize how much time laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and bill paying/investing take?