How do I get my husband to take on more responsibility (older kids)?

[Flybynight]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is usually a dilemma for parents with young babies but my kids are in elementary and middle school. My husband and I both have super flexible FT jobs - similar fields, similar pay and stature. I have always been the default parent, esp since our second was born which coincided with a bad time for my husband professionally. Everything kid-related, house-related, family-related falls on me. He wouldn't know where a battery or a light bulb is in our house, and he wouldn't ever stop at the grocery store to pick up milk even when he's working from home and the grocery store is within walking distance. Until now, that's been okay - I always wished it were different, but I've been able to manage.

Except over the past year I have been given additional responsibilities at work, so more face time in the office and way more details to juggle. SO now, the balance at home is not so okay. Right now I have about a 2-page to do list of school supplies, clothes to buy or pack up or give away, activities to get the kids signed up for, doctors appointments that need to be made (at times when a parent can go), birthday presents to buy, etc, etc, etc. I told my husband I need him to take on some portion of this: not just make one call that I assign to him, but basically be the guy who handles their medical stuff or their extracurriculars or whatever. He blows me off, and if I push it, he then gets annoyed that I'm "breaking his balls" and then stomps off. If I try to explain how busy I am, he tells me I'm taking my work too seriously or he downplays what I've got to do at home (one of the standbys is "what's the big deal about laundry? It's not like you're taking the clothes down to the river and washing them by hand.")

I feel totally overwhelmed and basically trapped in this cycle of stress and being frantic about everything. Short of threatening divorce can someone help me figure out what to do?

Tell him how his lack and Support is impacting you and the family. Let him know that he needs to engaging with the kids. If this doesn't work, take a two-week vacation by yourself, or fane a work trip. He will quickly discover quickly how much you are doing and hopefully help out more when you return from the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did this earlier in our career as parents than you, but I got to a breaking point also. My husband really had no idea how much I was doing because I was just doing it and not asking for help. So, we sat down and I calmly told him how much I was doing and asked him to help out more. I made some suggestions for what he could be in charge of, he took some, made some others. It wasnt a one-day conversation. But it was very helpful and now we have a much more fair division of labor. When I feel that I am once again doing more than he is, we have the conversation again.

How come men never ask for advice on how to get their wives to do their fair share? Is it that men really don't realize how much time laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and bill paying/investing take?

This doesn't make sense. The guys who don't know how much time and effort it takes are the guys not pulling their weight. Why would they ask their wives to step up? Those wives are already doing it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our oldest needs braces, and my husband balked at the cost of the first orthodontist we saw. I told him fine, that was on him to do this summer -- get some other opinions, figure it out, etc. Not a thing has been done, and it will not be done unless I do it (and pay for it myself, separate finances are another wrinkle in this story.)

And yeah, I get that the list isn't incredibly awful (there's more than I wrote here, but obviously none of it is back breaking.) But I just want to be able to avoid being the sole person responsible for every single thing in life.

He has to pay half of braces. He has until (reasonable) date to get some other opinions, but if he doesn't have other opinions or a plan by (reasonable) date, you are comfortable with the information you have and will be moving forward with it.

It may mean a fight. But he doesn't get to be all passive aggressive about this. They're his kids too. And if he can't or won't try and figure out a path he's happier with, then he gets to deal with the path that you've found.

You may have to do this with many things on the list, but sometimes that's how it is. E.g. it may cost more to order all the school supplies online. If he is not willing to take the kids shopping, then that's how it will be and he needs to pony up his share of the expense.

Additionally, if finances are split entirely, consider charging him for the planning/executing stage. He's getting you doing all the research and the work for free. No wonder he feels free to complain. It costs him nothing to force you to do more legwork.

[Anonymous]

Simply stop doing everything you do for him and then watch him eat his words back up.

Let him wash/dry/fold his own damn clothes, cook his own damn dinner and buy his own sundries, etc.

Then he will stop taking all that you do for his ungrateful self for granted and realize how tough it really is to keep the home fires burning!

[Anonymous]

I now understand why there are so many sex less marriages. How do you women send up with these useless lumps of fat and flesh? And after doing absolutely nothing, you're expected to crawl on top of theither sloppy fat asses and fuck them? No way, I'd rather drink vomit through a straw.

Jesus, you women have jobs, you aren't even trapped and you still tolerate this bullshit? Get some self esteem, find your balls and just stop steeling for these loser men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did this earlier in our career as parents than you, but I got to a breaking point also. My husband really had no idea how much I was doing because I was just doing it and not asking for help. So, we sat down and I calmly told him how much I was doing and asked him to help out more. I made some suggestions for what he could be in charge of, he took some, made some others. It wasnt a one-day conversation. But it was very helpful and now we have a much more fair division of labor. When I feel that I am once again doing more than he is, we have the conversation again.

How come men never ask for advice on how to get their wives to do their fair share? Is it that men really don't realize how much time laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and bill paying/investing take?

This doesn't make sense. The guys who don't know how much time and effort it takes are the guys not pulling their weight. Why would they ask their wives to step up? Those wives are already doing it all.

Exactly. How do they think their wives got into the position of doing it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did this earlier in our career as parents than you, but I got to a breaking point also. My husband really had no idea how much I was doing because I was just doing it and not asking for help. So, we sat down and I calmly told him how much I was doing and asked him to help out more. I made some suggestions for what he could be in charge of, he took some, made some others. It wasnt a one-day conversation. But it was very helpful and now we have a much more fair division of labor. When I feel that I am once again doing more than he is, we have the conversation again.

How come men never ask for advice on how to get their wives to do their fair share? Is it that men really don't realize how much time laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and bill paying/investing take?

Haha for years I would do grocery shopping, cooking, and bill paying/investing. And my wife is a SAHM. She took over grocery shopping -- I'd been doing it for the 16 years of marriage.

Investing -- that's maybe 1 hour a week tops and that's checking the accounts, hitting up the IRA and trading stock as my system dictates (basically I buy high-yield stocks that are running low, sell 90-95% of my stake when the price goes up, and keep the rest of the stake forever and ever. I won't even consider a stock under 4% yield unless it's a merger coming up or something like that.)

[Anonymous]

You need a family summit. First, you and DH need to get on the same page. He needs to acknowledge the problem and agree to do more. It's not going to work otherwise.

Then bring the kids in. They're old enough to take on some work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simply stop doing everything you do for him and then watch him eat his words back up.

Let him wash/dry/fold his own damn clothes, cook his own damn dinner and buy his own sundries, etc.

Then he will stop taking all that you do for his ungrateful self for granted and realize how tough it really is to keep the home fires burning!

I did this once. He also managed to lose 2 sets of house keys and 3 sets of car keys all in four months, he is that unorganized and childish.

At any rate, he had an excuse and blame game for every "bad stroke of luck" or "unfair situation" where he was late, lost something, forgot something, broke something, etc. Pathetic. And borderline narcissistic. No eye-opening experience whatsoever. Just stubborn and self-centered.