How do I get my husband to take on more responsibility (older kids)?

[Anonymous]

I know this is usually a dilemma for parents with young babies but my kids are in elementary and middle school. My husband and I both have super flexible FT jobs - similar fields, similar pay and stature. I have always been the default parent, esp since our second was born which coincided with a bad time for my husband professionally. Everything kid-related, house-related, family-related falls on me. He wouldn't know where a battery or a light bulb is in our house, and he wouldn't ever stop at the grocery store to pick up milk even when he's working from home and the grocery store is within walking distance. Until now, that's been okay - I always wished it were different, but I've been able to manage.

Except over the past year I have been given additional responsibilities at work, so more face time in the office and way more details to juggle. SO now, the balance at home is not so okay. Right now I have about a 2-page to do list of school supplies, clothes to buy or pack up or give away, activities to get the kids signed up for, doctors appointments that need to be made (at times when a parent can go), birthday presents to buy, etc, etc, etc. I told my husband I need him to take on some portion of this: not just make one call that I assign to him, but basically be the guy who handles their medical stuff or their extracurriculars or whatever. He blows me off, and if I push it, he then gets annoyed that I'm "breaking his balls" and then stomps off. If I try to explain how busy I am, he tells me I'm taking my work too seriously or he downplays what I've got to do at home (one of the standbys is "what's the big deal about laundry? It's not like you're taking the clothes down to the river and washing them by hand.")

I feel totally overwhelmed and basically trapped in this cycle of stress and being frantic about everything. Short of threatening divorce can someone help me figure out what to do?

[Anonymous]

I tell my husband, kid has XXX activity on XXX time, please take him. Simple.

[Anonymous]

You'll get a lot of why did you put up w this - but we need to deal w your reality which is a lot of our realities

I had to carve off very clear and distinct tasks and slowly increase them - one of them was cooking dinner twice a week when he's working from home - took me actually typing out instructions but once he had those he did it and it's helped immeasurably. I also gave him all house maintenance stuff and we outsource the rest like laundry cleaning yard.

The refrain j get is "what you are always saying I don't do enough" ugh - hugs to you

[Anonymous]

You need to start doing less. Take a hard look at everything you do and make some cuts. Make a list of everything you do in a week, and then write down next to each item why it is truly important. You should be able to cross off some stuff that way. That's just to free up some time for yourself. To get him to do more, you will have to take a hard line and really really not do certain things. Pick things that are more important to him, and that you are willing to have never get done.

For his whiny little baby attitude, which is the real problem here, I think you need marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

First off--go on Amazon and buy all that crap you need right now. School supplies, presents, etc. Then cross all that off your list.

Or just keep a stockpile of gift cards and generic cards on hand. That's what the kids want anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just hire a housekeeper.
https://www.amazon.com/Housekeeper-Cheaper-Than-Divorce-Afford/dp/0967963605

We paid $800/mo to have someone else cook, clean, and do laundry. Before that, ex had been paying $300/mo for cleaning and about $150/mo in takeout. So, for about another $80/wk we completely stopped fighting. It was cheaper than marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

*we, not ex

[Anonymous]

Send him a calendar invite for a discussion about household responsibilities at an appointed time. Not in the evening. Get a babysitter if you have to.

Prepare and practice until you can have the conversation in a calm and authoritative manner. Think about what you will say if he gets pissy or storms off.

Offer him the choice between doing more or outsourcing more.

Stop helping him. If he can't find a battery or a light bulb, assuming they are in an obvious place, keep your mouth shut and busy yourself with other things while he looks for them. This is the only way he will learn.

[Anonymous]

What a pitifully simple list to complete. Just do it and get on with a meaningful part of your life. Or, does your to do list define that?

[Anonymous]

I send a todo list by email every monday, he adds to it.

I do some stuff and reply with the DONE items crossed off.

Also, I go to work early. I don't do morning routine. He does. Does he do it well? I don't know and I don't care. He has gotten the kids to school late, missed the bus, etc. I don't care. I tell the kids, nobody is perfect you have to deal with it.

Also he is responsible for 1 meal a week. I do 1 meal a week, we eat out (Chipotle) 1 day a week and we have leftovers 1 day a week.

F/Sat/Sun - we deal with that differently for dinner.

Also for school supplies I did Amazon Prime for everything, what I could not find I made a list emailed it to him and said go to Staples and get these items.

Clothes, he took them to the mall to get shoes/backpack. They went to Dicks for clothes. I will fill in the gaps as needed.

Somebody has to steer the ship.

The reason we use email is because there is no emotion in the request and we can't really get in a fight over a list.

If the kids don't have supplies the 1st day of school it is not the end of the world, you need to let him fail a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a pitifully simple list to complete. Just do it and get on with a meaningful part of your life. Or, does your to do list define that?

I think it does define parents the 1st week before school starts. I mean school pretty much defines our kids for the next few months. This week suck, in HS they expect parents to drive kids to school at 9-11 and then later for tryouts.

It's just a hard time of the year.

[Anonymous]

Give him the detailed to do lists, that have a good time frame, and make him accountable for it. Put the same lists on the fridge. Tell your kid that dad is n charge of it, so your kid can pester him, if it's not done.

[Anonymous]

The lists might be simple enough for you to do it so it's done, but delegate it to him anyway, so that he's accountable.

Say, child has an appointment that you need to go. Get the date and time for the appointment that works for child and you. Make sure child knows that dad is in charge.

[Anonymous]

Is there anything at home you're in charge of that he cares about? He probably isn't taking care of what you ask because he doesn't care. Find out what he cares about and assign him those things.

[Anonymous]

There are 3 strategies I use.

1) outsource and let DH know where the money is going and why. downside: effectively you end up paying for DH's irresponsibility.

2) vote with my feet. literally just leave the house so DH has to take care of things. as in, "DH, two nights a week I am staying at work until 8. Somebody has to get the kids, make dinner, etc." downside: he'll probably get them mcdonalds.

3) just stop doing things that you can carve off that he might so on his own, like his laundry or planning trips to see his relatives.