I'm Just Back From A Date & I Feel Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Well, it's you...not him.

Only you know what's best for you. You can't help it if you aren't attracted to him.

Having said that, you are 32. Chances are you will be dating men who are 32 or older. That means you are left with those who haven't paired off yet or those who have divorced. You need to adjust your expectations.

I have friends like you. They are only attracted to guys who look young and hot. Guess what? They are now in their 40s and single...and will likely never marry. They've passed on great guys with glasses, dad bods and thinning hair in their 30s, and now they are left dating guys pushing 50...who have gray hair, thinking hair, dad bods and glasses. Only these guys have been divorced or never married (and have some real issues...not cosmetic ones).

It's your right to be choosey...but I would suggest being choosey on issues that really matter.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm biased because I married a nerd scientist with glasses! It's really silly to get hung up on glasses and a Superman shirt.

However, if there was no chemistry... you can't change that.
Move on.

[Anonymous]

I totally get this and have been in really similar situations. You feel badly because you don't like him even though you "think" you should. And like others have posted, the shirt/glasses type stuff are pretty small in terms of what matters.

But, the thing is, you can't help it. You feel how you feel. Try to give yourself a break because you gave him a number of chances and you just weren't really feeling him. You were then honest with him and let him go. Yes, you can try to be more open minded in the future but I would caution you to not force yourself to overlook things if they are important to you, or if you just can't get over them. Sometimes that can work if someone is a really terrific match, but other times those small things become bigger things and you don't want to find yourself in a longer relationship/marriage with someone who has small quirks that drive you crazy. That can build up into tension/resentment/animosity that can take a hard toll.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I do think this is about you. Ask yourself the hard question about your internal standards. Are they a way of avoiding real intimacy? Maybe this guy wasn't a fit- but is the fit you are seeking based on data points or a true connection?

If it's a relief that he had the superman shirt on, so you had an excuse to avoid the truth- that no one ever feels "right".

At 32, you honestly have reached a place where the single, psychologically healthy men your own age are already few and far between. Most of them got married or met someone in their late 20's. I don't need to tell you this, you can just count up all of the bridesmaid dresses in your closet.

If you want to have a baby at some point, without having having to be a stepmother, get into therapy soon.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am biased, as I 1) have a dad-bod+, 2) heath thick glasses, and 3) often dress very casually, but when I date(d) women, last when I was about your age, I came to realize I was not going to get a "hottie". But, you know what is funny about the "hotties", they either do not age well, or they have to put so much effort into aging well that they do not have time for anything else.

What tricks me is you are judging him 100% on appearances. You are not talking about personality, sense of humor, etc.

Guess what? Being with someone who is interesting and funny trumps looks.

[Anonymous]

The lack of chemistry is enough reason to end things.
As for the rest, it's all pretty shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The lack of chemistry is enough reason to end things.
As for the rest, it's all pretty shallow.

Yes, but you need to figure out why you are incapable of having chemistry with good guys.

I posted earlier about my friends in their 40s who are too picky. They definitely have intimacy issues. I'm convinced one never got over her high school boyfriend and that's why she's only attracted to super young looking guys.

I married a nice guy. I think he's hot, but I doubt you would, op. I dated super hot guys who I refer to as "fun guys to date, but not the kind of guy you marry." This is what I find hot as a 40 year old: loyalty, bringing me coffee and a donut, taking care of the baby in the middle of the night. That's hot.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it fine. Perhaps the reason you're feeling bad is that you're realizing your excessive emphasis on looks and being too pikcy is the reason you're single. From everything you've said this guy was nice, thoughtful, sweet, and intelligent. And yet you seemed to give up on him the second his t shirt was exposed (after giving you his other shirt because you were cold). At 32, your options are going to become slimmer and you might need to make some concessions.

[Anonymous]

He took off his button down shirt to give it to you because you were cold. That was really sweet and thoughtful of him.

You then complain about the tee shirt he is wearing underneath the button down shirt....yeah, o.k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He took off his button down shirt to give it to you because you were cold. That was really sweet and thoughtful of him.

You then complain about the tee shirt he is wearing underneath the button down shirt....yeah, o.k.

Well on the plus side, at least OP doesnt seem tone deaf to the reason why she's still single at 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad bod, glasses, and a Superman T-shirt? Would you say he was mild-mannered? A reporter by chance?

Am I the only one thinking this guy sounds great and wondering where I can find him?

[Anonymous]

No chemistry? Good enough reason.

Better than convincing yourself he's ok after a loooong courtship, getting married, having a kid and posting here that you realize at dinner you've never been in love with your husband.

Not marrying is better than a bad one.

[Anonymous]

So only model level handsome will do for you, a 32 year old?

You are a fool. But things will take care of themselves and you will learn your lesson (though given your current mindset almost certainly too late).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad bod, glasses, and a Superman T-shirt? Would you say he was mild-mannered? A reporter by chance?

Am I the only one thinking this guy sounds great and wondering where I can find him?

I'm with you, he sounds great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My coworker & bff set me up with a friend of hers. She talked him up really well and when I saw his pictures I thought he was very attractive. Think famous model levels of attraction. I asked her about him if he was single etc and if he'd like a date. So she set us up. We talked on the phone and texted before meeting. In person he looked a little different from the pictures. He was chunkier. Kind of a dad bod but a little more chunk. He was also wearing glasses. Nothing against glasses in general but these were big and thick. He said his contacts were bothering him so he had to wear the glasses. I was also later bothered by his clothes he was wearing a superman t-shirt under his button down I only found that out because he gave me his other shirt because I was cold. It's petty, but we're both 32 and graphic tees seem immature to me. As horrible as it sounds I lost some of my attraction to him at first sight, but he was a really great date. A gentleman, shy, and sweet and funny.
I thought I should give him another chance, so we went out 3 more times including tonight. I still wasn't feeling it tonight. He asked me about a 5th date and I told him I thought we'd better as friends. I wasn't feeling the chemistry with him . The chemistry thing was true I didn't enjoy kissing him. I was being honest about being his friend too, he's a really nice guy I just don't feel it with him.
I'm feeling bad though because i could tell he was clearly hurt when I told him even though he tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal.

I'm also thinking that maybe I'm an idiot because I'm not getting any younger and if I want to get married I need to be a little bit more open. I did give us a chance. I still feel bad.

As a guy, I wouldn't have allowed you past the third date. Unless you're putting out by the third date, we're done.