"False advertising" related to weight

[Anonymous]

How is this false advertising? Your brother sounds like a shit who just looks for excuses to cheat or look the other direction. Does he expect his wife to be exactly the same as when he married her? My husband married a hot young chick and now I don't even recognize the woman in the mirror as my 50+year-old face looks nothing like my 20-year-old face. Also don't you marry the person whole not only their body but your personality etc?

[Anonymous]

I married someone thin, and he has gained weight during our marriage. I don't care. I love him for the person he is on the inside, not the outside. I am still very attracted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many prominent people have weight, infidelity contracts, it should be mandatory for everyone and would strengthen marriages.

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/love-contracts-demands-weight-drugs-cheating-sex-article-1.1362310

No, it wouldn't.

We engaged in a lot of premarital counseling and wrote our upcoming vows over about a six-month period. Our therapist insisted: Don't promise anything that you can't fully control. Don't accept any promise that your partner could break for reasons beyond their control." Sometimes, weight gain is related to other health issues, including medication, insufficiently treated eating disorders or depression or even an injury that prevents cardiovascular exercise. If so, it is not in the person's full control.

Full disclosure: I had a brief period during our four years together when I weighed as much as 192 due to a binge eating disorder worsened by medication for a chronic health issue. I was unhappy in my big body and frightened by the binge eating (which had been around since childhood, but never this intense). I was also scared that I had developed borderline high blood pressure. However, I got so much support from my SO. He learned about what was making me fat and helped build way to ameliorate the situation. I couldn't run, but I could walk very long distances. He walked with me. I decided that I could not have trigger foods in the house (seeing them outside doesn't impact me) and he respected that. He even took over grocery shopping so I wouldn't make impulse buys. When we took a road trip to Louisiana, he made healthy meals and snacks to take with us even though road trips were the only time he allowed himself McDonald's.

We didn't stop being intimate despite my discomfort with my body because being sexually rejected by your partner damages your self-esteem and people with low self-esteem often find it difficult to take on daunting tasks --like transforming their bodies. I felt fully loved throughout. In fact, he proposed while I was at my highest weight. I was kind of horrified at his timing because I didn't want fat engagement photos. I didn't want fat wedding photos. I didn't want fat photos of our life together. Not because I think fat is ugly. Because I equate fat me with unhappy, unhealthy me. I got happy and healthy through hard work with therapy and medical treatment before I lost the weight. I wanted our vows to reflect my own commitment to a happy and healthy me in a body that could meet our needs as we grew older together. I joked that I would say those vows to myself if we called the wedding off.

In the end, we wrote that we would each vow to safeguard our own health to the best of our abilities and to be gentle but honest about any weight-related concerns about each other. That means that you can't just sit in front of the tv and eat Taco Bell until your pants don't fit. You have to do something to keep your BP, blood sugar, and cholesterol levels in healthy ranges. You have to do something to keep yourself healthy enough for work, sex, and rigors of family life in 21st century America. We agreed that we didn't worry about waistlines or numbers on a scale. We also agreed that we would not devalue each other on the sole basis of body fat and would be supportive about sensible efforts to stay healthy even if they inconvenienced us. In essence our vow regarding weight was not actually about gaining weight. It was whether we each loved each other enough to not endanger our own bodies or our shared lifestyle.

I know a woman who had bulimia. At the time that she met her future husband, she was about 120 because she was purging regularly. They got married and she got pregnant. She realized that she had to stop purging for the baby's sake and sought treatment. Two years later, she weighed 30 lbs more. None of that was baby weight. She was exercising regularly and responsible about her diet. She was just meant to be 150 with the frame she had and a 1200 calorie diet. Her DH said he was no longer attracted to her. He liked skinny girls. He knew that she was skinny years before only because of an incredibly destructive health condition, but he said that anyway. He actually preferred the sick version of his wife over the healthy version. They divorced. She is now happily married to someone else who values her heart more than her waist.

Men gain weight, too. Often from depression. A coworker gained 50 lbs in one year following an internal coup that led to his titular demotion. Men take career setbacks hard. He self-medicated with food and beer, but mostly food. He ballooned up quickly. It was alarming to see. He could no longer use the stairs and had to take the elevator up one flight. He could not carry normal loads that even our super petite administrative assistant managed effortlessly. He started to fall asleep in meetings. It was obvious that his weight must have impacted his marriage far beyond sexual attraction. I can't imagine that he was able to help around the house or actively parent their small children outside. His wife implored him to seek medical treatment. He didn't until she left him. He went on anti-depressants. Most come with some weight gain. A few promote weight loss. He got lucky. Over two years, he lost most of the excess weight. His jawline has softened a bit, but you can tell that he is much happier and physically healthier. At the end of the first year, his wife came back.

Fat people have sex. And not just with other fat people or with chubby chasers. Fat people have sex with people who love them. The people who love them may also love them in a thinner fitter body, but they won't destroy the fat person's emotional well-being to see if that's true. If you are a woman and you gain 20 lbs over 5+ years of marriage with child-bearing involved, your husband should still love you. He should respect setting aside time for you to exercise and he should respect your dietary needs. If he doesn't promote you taking care of you for health reasons, just sex or what his friends think at the pool, then his pressure for you to lose weight is just emotional abuse.

As a postscript: I weigh roughly 150 these days. I look thinner than that for some reason and nursing assistants or the new trainer at my gym have been really surprised when I stepped on the scale at intake. Part of me thinks that my ideal weight is about 15 lbs lighter. If I focused on it, I could get there. But at what cost. We like a glass of wine or two at dinner. I could skip those calories, but then my fiance would miss out on what he refers to as my sparkly moments when alcohol has lowered my inhibitions and I shuck my introvert skin. I think he knows he'll get laid a lot more often and with more enthusiasm with sparkly 150 lb me than then the teetotaler 135 lb version. I could go to spin an extra day a week when my child is at my ex's house. But then, my fiance would miss out on Wednesday evenings when I have lost of pent up energy and am as loud as (he and) I want to be because there isn't a kid sleeping in the next room. Which would you chose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only in the sense that we all engage in false advertising: "I married a young person, and now they're getting old! No fair!"

But everyone gets old. That's unavoidable and expected.
Not everyone gaines a hundred lbs.
Not everyone goes from size 0 to 22.

True. In fact, some people get cancer at 35 and then suffer for a few years and die. That's not expected either. It still doesn't invalidate your marriage. Too innocent of a scenario for you? Ok, some people drive too fast and get in an accident and become paraplegic. This also doesn't invalidate their marriage. I don't think marriage means what you think it means.

[Anonymous]

My first wife put on 60+ lbs. I know it sounds terrible but it did have an impact on my attraction to her. I never brought it up because I wouldn't want to affect her body image. Other guys still found her attractive, she had multiple affairs before I finally divorced her.

I remarried years later to a woman who is also very fitness minded and health conscious. We've been together 15 years now and I still enjoy seeing her climb into bed with me in her underwear.

[Anonymous]

I'd be really concerned about her health at that weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the marriage vows are pretty clear that people are not allowed to change at all or the whole deal is off.

Absolutely. I thought this was obvious??

[Anonymous]

Attraction and passion are key components of a happy marriage. I'd be pissed if my partner gained a ton of weight. Sure I love him for who he is but I also want that spark and sexiness and attraction to be there. If you pretend that physical attraction is not important, you are delusional. Or you are one of the people who got really fat. I'm a woman, by the way. Eat healthy and work out. If anything, to want to live longer. Do not give me the bullshit about getting an illness that makes you fat because that actually accounts for a very small percentage of obese people.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so your "brother" is really your husband, right?

[Anonymous]

You do have some control on how much you weight.
You have no control on getting old or getting cancer.

But regarding the first post, how come
the guy never knew his wife was overweight at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first wife put on 60+ lbs. I know it sounds terrible but it did have an impact on my attraction to her. I never brought it up because I wouldn't want to affect her body image. Other guys still found her attractive, she had multiple affairs before I finally divorced her.

I remarried years later to a woman who is also very fitness minded and health conscious. We've been together 15 years now and I still enjoy seeing her climb into bed with me in her underwear.

No one asked about your cross-dressing, bro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin was always a bit chubby. She is 5 ft 8 in.
In high school she was around 160 lbs. In her mid to late 20's she got really really thin, around 120lbs. She met a guy who she ended up marrying. He only ever knew her when she was thin. She immediately gained 30 lbs after the wedding. Since then, she has gained weight ongoing and now after ten years is around 220lbs.

My brother said this was " false advertising" and he felt bad for her husband. Saying, the husband married a thin woman and now he is stuck. Yes, my brother is a jerk. But do you agree with his point?

I don't know about your cousin but I am 5'8" and when I was 160 and working out and dancing ballet in college I was a size 6 and one solid muscle. That number don't mean much if there is muscle behind it.

[Anonymous]

That's dumb. For one thing, if he didn't know her well enough to know she wasn't always that weight (i.e. Never saw pictures of her or anything) he shouldn't have married her. For two, weight isn't everything. Third, I'm sure he "false advertised" along the way as well.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is weird. What adult has conversations like this about family members with their siblings? Is he secretly into her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is an ass. If you want a mate whose looks (or personality/interests/life goals, etc. for that matter) are guaranteed never to change, get a blow up doll.

Come on, how would you like if you married someone thin and they gained a hundred pounds. It's a huge difference.
It's not like gaining 30 lbs.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Weight is an important component of sexual attraction for some people, but not for everyone. My DH and I have both gained significant weight since we met and our sex life has never been better.

But theoretically, if my spouse gained a bunch of weight and I no longer found myself attracted to him, I would consider my options. I could try to help him lose the weight. I could stay in a sexless marriage. I could divorce him. Whatever, that's between the two of us. But if I complained about "false advertising," implying that he lied and tricked me into marriage, I would be an asshole. Nobody gains 100 pounds on purpose to spite their spouse. Human bodies are faulty and unpredictable and shit happens. Blame, shame, and recriminations are not the kind way to respond, especially when you're supposed to love someone for more than their looks.