Reply to googling exes: what's okay, what's problematic

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I brought it up. Not accusatory or angry, but said that this was hurtful, whether intended or not, and that it brought up some uncomfortable questions for me--is there something missing in our marriage that is prompting this? what issues should we address? have I been contributing to these impulses? do you think this is perhaps not healthy?

I am glad I said something. I know that otherwise I would spend my time keeping tabs on my spouse, and feeling hurt. That is definitely not what I want in a marriage. It would be different if I thought they were actually in contact or cheating but that's not the case.

But now we have to face the bigger issue. And of course what really hurts is this feeling--why am I not enough? What if I truly am always going to be the runner up in the fantasy contest for the perfect partner? While there are some things I had with others than I dont have with my spouse, I would never trade them for anyone else. But I can't say the same for my spouse, and that is painful to consider. Also makes me wonder if one day, when our kids are grown, spouse will just up and leave, because its turned out that all these years they've been pining for someone else. Spouse denies, assures me of their love and commitment, of course. But its hard to trust that 100 Percent. [/quote]

I am glad that you raised the issue with your spouse, and it sounds like you did it in the right way.  You should look at this as a jumping off point to greater openness.  In my experience, as marriages go along, people get closer or grow apart, and it takes real effort to keep the relationship moving in the direction of closeness.  Over time, that work pays dividends.  Talking with each openly about past relationships, and any current thoughts on them, might raise some uncomfortable topics, but it will at least get rid of the unknown, and it might spice up your relationship a bit.  And it will help foster more closeness. As for your feelings of insecurity, that's natural.  Don't beat yourself up about it, but realize that it might be based on some faulty assumptions.  You should just continue to talk things through.  [/quote]

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