Tired of my child
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Time for therapy for him ASAP - where are you located? they'll work with you as well to help modify behaviors - Family Compass in Reston is one that comes to mind. . . |
Anonymous
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder |
Anonymous
He treats me great, aside from the fact that he doesn't help much with this situation. He grew up with a mother / sister conflict and a passive dad. Occasionally, he'll snap and get onto him and that shuts my son down for a bit. I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change. |
Anonymous
|
Pick the behaviors that are important to you, decide what the consequences are for those behaviors, then lay down the rules for him.
I would probably do something like 123 magic for him. make sure he knows what specifically you consider disrespectful. The first time he does it, say one, 2nd time he does something say two, 3rd time, you say three and now the consequence kicks in. I think losing the phone for at least a day is probably good, or screen time for the day. It all starts over the next day. If he keeps being disrespectful on day one, then you start counting again but the consequence starts the next day, and so on. Whatever the consequence is you need to stick to it for the length of time you said you would. So if the phone is gone for the day, it doesnt matter if hes an angel for the rest of the morning, its still gone all day. |
Anonymous
I understand that, but this is a serious enough issue that you and your husband need to be a united force. Your husband can't sit there passively and say nothing -- that is sending the message to your son that he is okay with your son's treatment of you. Your husband needs to help you out, here. |
Anonymous
This seems more than just a poor relationship with the mother. This kid needs some serious help. |
Anonymous
Yes, thanks for the reminder about the book we used...when he was what, five? I'll revisit it. It's probably still developmentally appropriate. |
Anonymous
OP, he's 11, not 5. "I'm always trying different things" sounds to me like you have no plan, just frantic reactions that he is too smart to take seriously. I hate to say it, but it's hard to respect someone who operates in this fashion. Your husband needs to step up to the plate. The two of you need to present a united front as PARENTS. And it sounds like you need some help growing a backbone. Taking a phone away from an 11 year old for an hour is ridiculous. |
Anonymous
| First, you are not alone. Therapy is a good place to start, but in the meantime I recommend focusing on positive reinforcement whenever he does something that you like. It could be something minor like cleaning up after himself after dinner or taking a shower and brushing without you needing to ask him to. The logical parenting action is to scold and punish when your son does something wrong, but ignore when he's doing something right. The consequence is that he gets attention for behaving poorly and therefore feels reinforced to continue it. Ignore the negative behavior and praise the positive, but easier said than done. I also won't agree with PPs that you need to drop the hammer because I don't know your kid. Some kids can't handle hard care discipline and so you need to figure out ways that work for him. Ideally, the key is to find out what is causing your son to misbehave and bother his siblings, for example. The fact that he does it is the behavior and it's annoying as hell, but was led up to the behavior so you can shortcut it next time around. |
Anonymous
| How does he act at school with other adults in charge? |
Anonymous
+1,000 If son is like this with you but not with dad, dad absolutely must have your back. And OP, it's worrying that you actually say, "I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change." What does that last statement mean here? That your husband isn't going to intervene in or work with this situation (maybe due to the upbringing you mention?) so you figure there's no point involving him? OP, if you let dad have a pass to do nothing and not get involved, you're setting up a very negative situation in years to come; son will learn that you alone are his "problem" and dad is fine as long as so doesn't spark dad to snap at him; son also will learn that it's OK and acceptable for a father to be passive and stand to the side while son disrespects you. Dad standing aside is tacit approval of son's behavior, frankly, and even if dad says that's not true -- it IS how son will interpret dad's passivity here. Family counseling, or parenting help for BOTH you and your husband, plus counseling or therapy for your son. If you let your husband just be a bystander you will never get your son to respect you. You are already well on the road to resenting your own child (and I do see why, OP; he sounds at 11 like some high schoolers I know who have serious problems at home). Unless you and dad are a united force as the PP puts it, your son will always either feel he can ignore your feelings (because he sees dad doing so when son is disrespectful toward you) or your son will learn to play you off against each other as he becomes a teen. The earlier doctor or counselor who just told you to "connect" with your son didn't do his or her job at all. You need to get some real, specific strategies and scripts for how to handle your son. Your son needs to be required -- yeah, required -- to pick some form of activity that gets him outside his own head and complaints about it need to be met with consistent discipline. And you and dad both must be involved. I find the post troubling. We all do get sick of our own kids (and "I'm good" makes me nuts too, OP!) but it sounds like your family is heading for some very tough dynamics as your son gets older. And don't forget - your younger child is watching all this and learning from it that mom doesn't have to be respected, that older brother gets away with being a jerk, and that dad won't intervene. And younger child is also, you note, getting hassled by older brother at times. Not at all a good dynamic to permit. I'd get serious about some parenting help and counseling ASAP to avert much worse (and the need for more extensive help) in a few years' time. |
Anonymous
|
I think that some people have "see therapist" as a catch all for all behavior. It frankly is not the magic pill.
The problem is not your child, its you. You don't have a plan which my father also told me was a plan to fail. You need to make sure that he understands what is expected of him. That is telling him what he needs to do and when he needs to do it. If he does not live up to realistic expectations there is consequences. You need to be very consistent with the consequences and NEVER buckle. Trick is to not set up expectations so high that he will always fail. My rule for electronics has always been the 24 hour rule. Break the rules and loose them for 24 hours. I also had a bad behavior jar with tasks written on pieces of paper. If you misbehaved, you needed to pull the paper and have that thing done before you want to bed that night. Most of the items did not take more than 10 minutes (vacuum living room, sweep kitchen, weed front yard, bring dog for 10 minute walk etc). You need to have empathy towards his bad misbehavior but never fight with him about it. You make the rules, he follows the rules. He breaks the rules, he get punished. Teenagers and pre-teens are pretty good at figuring out what does not work and stop doing that behavior. Where they are let astray is in situations were the punishment varies or is rarely enforced. He may be at a point where you need to stop doing anything for him for the next month. He washes his own clothes, makes his own simple dinner( think sandwich) and does everything for himself. If you do this tell him that his behavior is such that continued rewards of clean clothes and food made for him are no longer appropriate. |
Anonymous
Preferably someone who comes to your home to see the dynamic. Also - plan on keeping him busy in the future. Jobs, camps in the summer (tell me you're sending him to at least two weeks of sleep away summer camp this summer!!) , etc. He needs to be out and in the world and you will breath a sigh of relief. What is dad doing to help? Law school classes? |
Anonymous
| Family therapy pronto. |
Anonymous
This is a good thread- I think we all need a parenting wake-up call. But I don't like the chores-as-punishment thing. I try to offer chores as a privilege - we are fortunate to have lovely clothes to wash, a beautiful bathroom to keep clean for our guests, a yard to mow. I try to associate chores with positive feelings. When things are going really well, I say "hey, how about mowing the lawn!" and it usually works. |