Tired of my child

[Anonymous]

Also, any disrespectful language is an automatic forfeit for the electronic devices. 24 hrs minimum - depending on the offense. It really does work.

And I do notice that if either of us parents are disrespectful to each other, the children pick up on it immediately and exploit it- they are not stupid.

[Anonymous]

I would be careful about all of the advice on here. If your child is typical with no emotional challenges, then the zero tolerance attitude may work. If your child has any issues, you may need to find what works for you. It is not a one size fits all parenting approach. Some parents think they know everything because they have kids that can be disciplined in the traditional way. It is very easy to be a perfect parent if you have easy (assuming the normal tween/teen stuff) kids. Ignore everyone here and get a therapist. And let your son know that you love him regardless of what he says and does, even if you don't feel it right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is his name Kevin?

Lol I was thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you are not alone. Therapy is a good place to start, but in the meantime I recommend focusing on positive reinforcement whenever he does something that you like. It could be something minor like cleaning up after himself after dinner or taking a shower and brushing without you needing to ask him to. The logical parenting action is to scold and punish when your son does something wrong, but ignore when he's doing something right. The consequence is that he gets attention for behaving poorly and therefore feels reinforced to continue it. Ignore the negative behavior and praise the positive, but easier said than done. I also won't agree with PPs that you need to drop the hammer because I don't know your kid. Some kids can't handle hard care discipline and so you need to figure out ways that work for him. Ideally, the key is to find out what is causing your son to misbehave and bother his siblings, for example. The fact that he does it is the behavior and it's annoying as hell, but was led up to the behavior so you can shortcut it next time around.

Thank you, this is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's happening in the way of discipline?

I'm always trying different things...He likes to earn things by earning and saving up good behavior check marks. He loses his Iphone (just a device, no phone) for an hour at a time, gets it back if he behaves for that hour. He can be good, but his bad behavior is just so bad!

Unless he has some sort of special needs or other issues, it sounds like the discipline needs to be more harsh than losing the phone for one hour. It's time to bring the hammer around. You disrespect your parents, you lose the phone for the rest of the day, or the whole weekend, or whatever.

If your husband is present when your son is giving you this attitude, what is his reaction? How does your husband treat you overall?

He treats me great, aside from the fact that he doesn't help much with this situation. He grew up with a mother / sister conflict and a passive dad. Occasionally, he'll snap and get onto him and that shuts my son down for a bit. I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change.

I understand that, but this is a serious enough issue that you and your husband need to be a united force. Your husband can't sit there passively and say nothing -- that is sending the message to your son that he is okay with your son's treatment of you. Your husband needs to help you out, here.

+1,000

If son is like this with you but not with dad, dad absolutely must have your back. And OP, it's worrying that you actually say, "I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change." What does that last statement mean here? That your husband isn't going to intervene in or work with this situation (maybe due to the upbringing you mention?) so you figure there's no point involving him? OP, if you let dad have a pass to do nothing and not get involved, you're setting up a very negative situation in years to come; son will learn that you alone are his "problem" and dad is fine as long as so doesn't spark dad to snap at him; son also will learn that it's OK and acceptable for a father to be passive and stand to the side while son disrespects you. Dad standing aside is tacit approval of son's behavior, frankly, and even if dad says that's not true -- it IS how son will interpret dad's passivity here.

Family counseling, or parenting help for BOTH you and your husband, plus counseling or therapy for your son. If you let your husband just be a bystander you will never get your son to respect you. You are already well on the road to resenting your own child (and I do see why, OP; he sounds at 11 like some high schoolers I know who have serious problems at home). Unless you and dad are a united force as the PP puts it, your son will always either feel he can ignore your feelings (because he sees dad doing so when son is disrespectful toward you) or your son will learn to play you off against each other as he becomes a teen.

The earlier doctor or counselor who just told you to "connect" with your son didn't do his or her job at all. You need to get some real, specific strategies and scripts for how to handle your son. Your son needs to be required -- yeah, required -- to pick some form of activity that gets him outside his own head and complaints about it need to be met with consistent discipline. And you and dad both must be involved.

I find the post troubling. We all do get sick of our own kids (and "I'm good" makes me nuts too, OP!) but it sounds like your family is heading for some very tough dynamics as your son gets older. And don't forget - your younger child is watching all this and learning from it that mom doesn't have to be respected, that older brother gets away with being a jerk, and that dad won't intervene. And younger child is also, you note, getting hassled by older brother at times. Not at all a good dynamic to permit. I'd get serious about some parenting help and counseling ASAP to avert much worse (and the need for more extensive help) in a few years' time.

Thank you, this makes sense. I don't want a future the way you portray it. That's actually exactly what happened his husband's parents and his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful about all of the advice on here. If your child is typical with no emotional challenges, then the zero tolerance attitude may work. If your child has any issues, you may need to find what works for you. It is not a one size fits all parenting approach. Some parents think they know everything because they have kids that can be disciplined in the traditional way. It is very easy to be a perfect parent if you have easy (assuming the normal tween/teen stuff) kids. Ignore everyone here and get a therapist. And let your son know that you love him regardless of what he says and does, even if you don't feel it right now.

Yes some of the people commenting aren't parents at all and none of the people are the parents of your kid..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's happening in the way of discipline?

I'm always trying different things...He likes to earn things by earning and saving up good behavior check marks. He loses his Iphone (just a device, no phone) for an hour at a time, gets it back if he behaves for that hour. He can be good, but his bad behavior is just so bad!

Unless he has some sort of special needs or other issues, it sounds like the discipline needs to be more harsh than losing the phone for one hour. It's time to bring the hammer around. You disrespect your parents, you lose the phone for the rest of the day, or the whole weekend, or whatever.

If your husband is present when your son is giving you this attitude, what is his reaction? How does your husband treat you overall?

He treats me great, aside from the fact that he doesn't help much with this situation. He grew up with a mother / sister conflict and a passive dad. Occasionally, he'll snap and get onto him and that shuts my son down for a bit. I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change.

I understand that, but this is a serious enough issue that you and your husband need to be a united force. Your husband can't sit there passively and say nothing -- that is sending the message to your son that he is okay with your son's treatment of you. Your husband needs to help you out, here.

+1,000

If son is like this with you but not with dad, dad absolutely must have your back. And OP, it's worrying that you actually say, "I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change." What does that last statement mean here? That your husband isn't going to intervene in or work with this situation (maybe due to the upbringing you mention?) so you figure there's no point involving him? OP, if you let dad have a pass to do nothing and not get involved, you're setting up a very negative situation in years to come; son will learn that you alone are his "problem" and dad is fine as long as so doesn't spark dad to snap at him; son also will learn that it's OK and acceptable for a father to be passive and stand to the side while son disrespects you. Dad standing aside is tacit approval of son's behavior, frankly, and even if dad says that's not true -- it IS how son will interpret dad's passivity here.

Family counseling, or parenting help for BOTH you and your husband, plus counseling or therapy for your son. If you let your husband just be a bystander you will never get your son to respect you. You are already well on the road to resenting your own child (and I do see why, OP; he sounds at 11 like some high schoolers I know who have serious problems at home). Unless you and dad are a united force as the PP puts it, your son will always either feel he can ignore your feelings (because he sees dad doing so when son is disrespectful toward you) or your son will learn to play you off against each other as he becomes a teen.

The earlier doctor or counselor who just told you to "connect" with your son didn't do his or her job at all. You need to get some real, specific strategies and scripts for how to handle your son. Your son needs to be required -- yeah, required -- to pick some form of activity that gets him outside his own head and complaints about it need to be met with consistent discipline. And you and dad both must be involved.

I find the post troubling. We all do get sick of our own kids (and "I'm good" makes me nuts too, OP!) but it sounds like your family is heading for some very tough dynamics as your son gets older. And don't forget - your younger child is watching all this and learning from it that mom doesn't have to be respected, that older brother gets away with being a jerk, and that dad won't intervene. And younger child is also, you note, getting hassled by older brother at times. Not at all a good dynamic to permit. I'd get serious about some parenting help and counseling ASAP to avert much worse (and the need for more extensive help) in a few years' time.

Thank you, this makes sense. I don't want a future the way you portray it. That's actually exactly what happened his husband's parents and his sister.

I had an older brother who was an aggressive jerk and none of that rubbed off on me. It's a personality difference - a big one.
How to parent such a person so that the family is not in turmoil is the question, but the younger one won't behave as his brother does (hopefully - hope he has an easier going personality for your sake). You do need to protect the younger one from abuse though.

My brother is a very aggressive successful attorney now. He was born that way you could just tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's happening in the way of discipline?

I'm always trying different things...He likes to earn things by earning and saving up good behavior check marks. He loses his Iphone (just a device, no phone) for an hour at a time, gets it back if he behaves for that hour. He can be good, but his bad behavior is just so bad!

Unless he has some sort of special needs or other issues, it sounds like the discipline needs to be more harsh than losing the phone for one hour. It's time to bring the hammer around. You disrespect your parents, you lose the phone for the rest of the day, or the whole weekend, or whatever.

If your husband is present when your son is giving you this attitude, what is his reaction? How does your husband treat you overall?

He treats me great, aside from the fact that he doesn't help much with this situation. He grew up with a mother / sister conflict and a passive dad. Occasionally, he'll snap and get onto him and that shuts my son down for a bit. I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change.

I understand that, but this is a serious enough issue that you and your husband need to be a united force. Your husband can't sit there passively and say nothing -- that is sending the message to your son that he is okay with your son's treatment of you. Your husband needs to help you out, here.

+1,000

If son is like this with you but not with dad, dad absolutely must have your back. And OP, it's worrying that you actually say, "I don't want to focus on my husband though - he's something I can't change." What does that last statement mean here? That your husband isn't going to intervene in or work with this situation (maybe due to the upbringing you mention?) so you figure there's no point involving him? OP, if you let dad have a pass to do nothing and not get involved, you're setting up a very negative situation in years to come; son will learn that you alone are his "problem" and dad is fine as long as so doesn't spark dad to snap at him; son also will learn that it's OK and acceptable for a father to be passive and stand to the side while son disrespects you. Dad standing aside is tacit approval of son's behavior, frankly, and even if dad says that's not true -- it IS how son will interpret dad's passivity here.

Family counseling, or parenting help for BOTH you and your husband, plus counseling or therapy for your son. If you let your husband just be a bystander you will never get your son to respect you. You are already well on the road to resenting your own child (and I do see why, OP; he sounds at 11 like some high schoolers I know who have serious problems at home). Unless you and dad are a united force as the PP puts it, your son will always either feel he can ignore your feelings (because he sees dad doing so when son is disrespectful toward you) or your son will learn to play you off against each other as he becomes a teen.

The earlier doctor or counselor who just told you to "connect" with your son didn't do his or her job at all. You need to get some real, specific strategies and scripts for how to handle your son. Your son needs to be required -- yeah, required -- to pick some form of activity that gets him outside his own head and complaints about it need to be met with consistent discipline. And you and dad both must be involved.

I find the post troubling. We all do get sick of our own kids (and "I'm good" makes me nuts too, OP!) but it sounds like your family is heading for some very tough dynamics as your son gets older. And don't forget - your younger child is watching all this and learning from it that mom doesn't have to be respected, that older brother gets away with being a jerk, and that dad won't intervene. And younger child is also, you note, getting hassled by older brother at times. Not at all a good dynamic to permit. I'd get serious about some parenting help and counseling ASAP to avert much worse (and the need for more extensive help) in a few years' time.

Thank you, this makes sense. I don't want a future the way you portray it. That's actually exactly what happened his husband's parents and his sister.

I had an older brother who was an aggressive jerk and none of that rubbed off on me. It's a personality difference - a big one.
How to parent such a person so that the family is not in turmoil is the question, but the younger one won't behave as his brother does (hopefully - hope he has an easier going personality for your sake). You do need to protect the younger one from abuse though.

My brother is a very aggressive successful attorney now. He was born that way you could just tell.

And maybe Dad needs to take s good 3 weeks off of work and get DS in order.
Strong willed aggressive teen boys need a strong father figure firmly in charge. Time for dad to step up even more.
It's what they're for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful about all of the advice on here. If your child is typical with no emotional challenges, then the zero tolerance attitude may work. If your child has any issues, you may need to find what works for you. It is not a one size fits all parenting approach. Some parents think they know everything because they have kids that can be disciplined in the traditional way. It is very easy to be a perfect parent if you have easy (assuming the normal tween/teen stuff) kids. Ignore everyone here and get a therapist. And let your son know that you love him regardless of what he says and does, even if you don't feel it right now.

Yes some of the people commenting aren't parents at all and none of the people are the parents of your kid..

Right, I consider the feedback with that in mind. For instance, comments felt that taking the Iphone for an hour is insufficient, but I've found with my son that that gives him a realistic chance of turning around. I previously enacted longer consequences, "dropped the hammer," and it backfired. He gave up. But I do appreciate different perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his name Kevin?

Lol I was thinking the same thing.

I thought I was the only one who saw that movie.

[Anonymous]

I am reading right now "Yes, your teen is crazy" and while your son is bit younger it gives examples of how to differentiate between real mental illness and just being "crazy teen." I am not done, but it seems like a helpful book so far if a little long. However, as your kid has been difficult from the start that might not help as much. Your kid seems a bit like he has social anxiety and is taking it out on your and younger sibling, as he might be comfortable only with you and sibling to vent frustration on. How is he with other kids, you say he doesn't have friends? Is that because he is rude to other kids or he never even talks to other kids? If he never talks to other kids and has a hard time making friends at all, or being in social situations, maybe social anxiety from the start and that is a whole different approach. But, this is just based on what you wrote, I am offering opinion based on your writing, I am not a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be careful about all of the advice on here. If your child is typical with no emotional challenges, then the zero tolerance attitude may work. If your child has any issues, you may need to find what works for you. It is not a one size fits all parenting approach. Some parents think they know everything because they have kids that can be disciplined in the traditional way. It is very easy to be a perfect parent if you have easy (assuming the normal tween/teen stuff) kids. Ignore everyone here and get a therapist. And let your son know that you love him regardless of what he says and does, even if you don't feel it right now.

Yes some of the people commenting aren't parents at all and none of the people are the parents of your kid..

+1 AND I would recommend a therapist just for you. It sounds as if you have been pouring a lot of yourself into this for so long, you may need some time to focus on yourself so you can get back on track and have the strength and focus to be the kind of parent it sounds like you want to be. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

11 isn't to old for the belt.
He a good leather one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the fact that he's not this way with his father, I think the problem may be the way you parent, rather than him. How come his father doesn't get the attitude? There's something to that.

Also, as the parent of a 13 yr old, I'll gently suggest you pick your battles, and don't worry about his "I'm good" response. I don't care what my DD verbally says when I tell her to clean the bathroom as long as she does what I've told her to do. "I'm good" is not the hill to die on.

+1

There is some dislike in your tone, op, that he is hearing, too.

Some attitude is part of the age, and moms seem to get the brunt of it (perhaps because we get more than our share of the bad cop role in parenting?). I know with my kid that sometimes he hears anything I say as "you are a loser". I try to be careful how I say things because when he hears "you are a loser" he a)acts like one, and b) doesn't do what I asked. Mind you, sometimes I am saying something as harmless as "pass the salt" but sometimes I'm saying "you really need to study more for that test. You don't know the vocabulary yet" or "I asked you to clean the litter box."

[Anonymous]

PP here. I read more comments since posting and want to put a bit less of this on you.

dad needs to step up, although I know that can be tough to achieve.

he is not treating you with respect if he lets others disrespect you. He owes his son better than the upbringing he got.