Self esteem issues after having children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three kids here. I met my wife when she was 22 and she does not look the same. But neither do I. I think I'm more turned on by her now than I was then.

This is probably bothering you way more than it bothers him. Most men are mature enough to look beyond the superficial changes.

Have sex by candlelight until you get your confidence back. Everyone looks good in candlelight.

What if they are not (and you know this because you have been told so)?

How was it said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three kids here. I met my wife when she was 22 and she does not look the same. But neither do I. I think I'm more turned on by her now than I was then.

This is probably bothering you way more than it bothers him. Most men are mature enough to look beyond the superficial changes.

Have sex by candlelight until you get your confidence back. Everyone looks good in candlelight.

What if they are not (and you know this because you have been told so)?

How was it said?

I would like you to lose 10-15 lbs because it would really help. Kindly and he is not a jerk. But devastating nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three kids here. I met my wife when she was 22 and she does not look the same. But neither do I. I think I'm more turned on by her now than I was then.

This is probably bothering you way more than it bothers him. Most men are mature enough to look beyond the superficial changes.

Have sex by candlelight until you get your confidence back. Everyone looks good in candlelight.

What if they are not (and you know this because you have been told so)?

How was it said?

I would like you to lose 10-15 lbs because it would really help. Kindly and he is not a jerk. But devastating nonetheless.

Many men are "solution oriented." If you're complaining about your body to them, this would be their thought- lose weight. Men aren't great at coddling. I know it's what my husband would say too and he's not a jerk either. He probably wants you to lose weight for yourself and so you feel comfortable in your own skin again, not just because he wants to have sex with a thin body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three kids here. I met my wife when she was 22 and she does not look the same. But neither do I. I think I'm more turned on by her now than I was then.

This is probably bothering you way more than it bothers him. Most men are mature enough to look beyond the superficial changes.

Have sex by candlelight until you get your confidence back. Everyone looks good in candlelight.

What if they are not (and you know this because you have been told so)?

How was it said?

I would like you to lose 10-15 lbs because it would really help. Kindly and he is not a jerk. But devastating nonetheless.

Many men are "solution oriented." If you're complaining about your body to them, this would be their thought- lose weight. Men aren't great at coddling. I know it's what my husband would say too and he's not a jerk either. He probably wants you to lose weight for yourself and so you feel comfortable in your own skin again, not just because he wants to have sex with a thin body.

I have never complained. I actually think I am not bad looking. Not the same as when we met, but I exercise and watch what I eat. Which is why this is so devastating. I don't think I can do it. Which doesn't bode well for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate completely. It made me realize how much my being turned on was feeling that my body was hot and feeling that that's what my DH responded too. It's just my stomach that bothers me. It's really hard to feel sexy.

This is an insightful point. I think this is a key difference between typical male and female sexuality. As a man, at least, this something that I hadn't fully realized.

For men, sexuality is focused on the other person. It's very externally focused.

For women, it seems to be much more internally focused. Women need to feel attractive and desired to enjoy sex. A man can have zero self-esteem and feel completely unattractive but still enjoy sex because for men it's about the other person.

[Anonymous]

Yes, women need to feel desired and desirable. We are ruthlessly judged by impossible standards, and we internalize that. You need to learn to love your body as is. That husband who told his wife to lose 10 pounds? Tell him to go fuck himself, because if he can't accept and want you as you are, he doesn't deserve you and you don't want him. You are right to feel hurt. Tell him it's like you suggesting it would help if he'd grow another inch on his penis. See how sexy that makes him feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate completely. It made me realize how much my being turned on was feeling that my body was hot and feeling that that's what my DH responded too. It's just my stomach that bothers me. It's really hard to feel sexy.

This is an insightful point. I think this is a key difference between typical male and female sexuality. As a man, at least, this something that I hadn't fully realized.

For men, sexuality is focused on the other person. It's very externally focused.

For women, it seems to be much more internally focused. Women need to feel attractive and desired to enjoy sex. A man can have zero self-esteem and feel completely unattractive but still enjoy sex because for men it's about the other person.

I'm a woman and my husband's weight gain has really turned me off, though his is quite substantial. We still have sex but I have a high drive and basically just ignore the weight intentionally - just try to tune it out. But I'm not going to lie, if he lost the weight, I would be fantasizing about him and not other people.

For some reason, I think guys don't really register that their appearance could impact things for the woman. It's very true that a woman's self esteem can really hurt her drive, but her partner's appearance and hygiene matter too.

OP, I'm the PP who suggested lingerie. I think that would make you feel more confident to start and then you may be able to get more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate completely. It made me realize how much my being turned on was feeling that my body was hot and feeling that that's what my DH responded too. It's just my stomach that bothers me. It's really hard to feel sexy.

This is an insightful point. I think this is a key difference between typical male and female sexuality. As a man, at least, this something that I hadn't fully realized.

For men, sexuality is focused on the other person. It's very externally focused.

For women, it seems to be much more internally focused. Women need to feel attractive and desired to enjoy sex. A man can have zero self-esteem and feel completely unattractive but still enjoy sex because for men it's about the other person.

I'm a woman and my husband's weight gain has really turned me off, though his is quite substantial. We still have sex but I have a high drive and basically just ignore the weight intentionally - just try to tune it out. But I'm not going to lie, if he lost the weight, I would be fantasizing about him and not other people.

For some reason, I think guys don't really register that their appearance could impact things for the woman. It's very true that a woman's self esteem can really hurt her drive, but her partner's appearance and hygiene matter too.

OP, I'm the PP who suggested lingerie. I think that would make you feel more confident to start and then you may be able to get more comfortable.

This isn't true. Men are often quite insecure about their appearance.

I do agree that men's appearance matters to women, but there does seem to be a different ratio. For women, it seems like "how he makes me feel *about myself*" is at least as important as "how he looks." There's a self-refractory element to sexuality for women that is not as important for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, women need to feel desired and desirable. We are ruthlessly judged by impossible standards, and we internalize that. You need to learn to love your body as is. That husband who told his wife to lose 10 pounds? Tell him to go fuck himself, because if he can't accept and want you as you are, he doesn't deserve you and you don't want him. You are right to feel hurt. Tell him it's like you suggesting it would help if he'd grow another inch on his penis. See how sexy that makes him feel.

Really? I am not sure what to do now, but this seems like it will just escalate it.

[Anonymous]

The brain is the biggest sex organ, as they say. Some people look fine and still don't feel confident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, women need to feel desired and desirable. We are ruthlessly judged by impossible standards, and we internalize that. You need to learn to love your body as is. That husband who told his wife to lose 10 pounds? Tell him to go fuck himself, because if he can't accept and want you as you are, he doesn't deserve you and you don't want him. You are right to feel hurt. Tell him it's like you suggesting it would help if he'd grow another inch on his penis. See how sexy that makes him feel.

Really? I am not sure what to do now, but this seems like it will just escalate it.

Please ignore PP's "advice." And you are right -- this will not help anything.

Aging is tough. Your body may not look like it did when you were young and childless, but now you have children. In nature, there are no free lunches.

That being said, if you think you really look bad, and can't get over it, there's always surgery. It's easy for people to say "don't worry about it," but life is short and it's your body to do with as you please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, women need to feel desired and desirable. We are ruthlessly judged by impossible standards, and we internalize that. You need to learn to love your body as is. That husband who told his wife to lose 10 pounds? Tell him to go fuck himself, because if he can't accept and want you as you are, he doesn't deserve you and you don't want him. You are right to feel hurt. Tell him it's like you suggesting it would help if he'd grow another inch on his penis. See how sexy that makes him feel.

Really? I am not sure what to do now, but this seems like it will just escalate it.

Please ignore PP's "advice." And you are right -- this will not help anything.

Aging is tough. Your body may not look like it did when you were young and childless, but now you have children. In nature, there are no free lunches.

That being said, if you think you really look bad, and can't get over it, there's always surgery. It's easy for people to say "don't worry about it," but life is short and it's your body to do with as you please.

So she should pay someone to cut her body into a more pleasing shape for a man or to meet some ridiculous standards? How very empowering. I wasn't advising her literally to say those things to her husband. It's more the attitude she needs to internalize. You can convey your body acceptance and self-respect in positive ways, and you can make it clear you expect to be accepted and respected, all in positive ways. Men actually find confidence of this kind pretty hot.

Your body is going to keep getting older, saggier, and "uglier" compared to youthful bodies, and you're still going to want to enjoy it and share it with your partner, hopefully until the day you die. That starts with working to accept it now. You think it's bad now? Wait until menopause.

It takes a lot of work for us women to love our bodies, without reservation. You have to keep repeating, until you mean it: I love my body. It's older, it's changed from pregnancy and birth, but that's the price we pay for the power to bring life into the world. And how amazing is my body that I could give and sustain life? How amazing is it that it gives me (and my partner) such pleasure in so many ways? If my partner can't accept my body, however it is, and accept its age and battle scars, then he isn't really accepting and appreciating me for who I am, and that's not acceptable to me. If a younger, smoother body is that important to him, he's free to split up with me and go get what he wants. I will not accept hurtful remarks or negative attitudes about my body from the person who is my sexual partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, women need to feel desired and desirable. We are ruthlessly judged by impossible standards, and we internalize that. You need to learn to love your body as is. That husband who told his wife to lose 10 pounds? Tell him to go fuck himself, because if he can't accept and want you as you are, he doesn't deserve you and you don't want him. You are right to feel hurt. Tell him it's like you suggesting it would help if he'd grow another inch on his penis. See how sexy that makes him feel.

Really? I am not sure what to do now, but this seems like it will just escalate it.

Please ignore PP's "advice." And you are right -- this will not help anything.

Aging is tough. Your body may not look like it did when you were young and childless, but now you have children. In nature, there are no free lunches.

That being said, if you think you really look bad, and can't get over it, there's always surgery. It's easy for people to say "don't worry about it," but life is short and it's your body to do with as you please.

That's the terrible thing. I don't think I look really bad. I certainly am not the same as I was 15 years and 3 kids ago, but I think I looked decent. I exercise, eat right, wear make-up, color my hair, etc. I am never going to look like I did now that I am approaching 40. And I am not going to get better looking! Price of getting older instead of dying. And I am ok with that. I cannot believe my spouse is not. He certainly doesn't look the same as he did. I am not willing to get surgery, particularly because I have young children. Plus I kind of want to (but won't) tell him to eff off. He isn't some George Clooney look-alike and I am a pretty good wife.