Does it help to hold back for a year?

[Anonymous]

My DS was born middle of the year so it never really crossed our minds to hold him back. He has severe ADHD and a big part has been social and emotional delays. He's bright but completely uneven academically due to his LD but holding back would weaken supports in his areas of strength and wouldn't address his LD.

But back to K ... it was disastrous. People say "yeah but they all survive K" or "it's just K" and I want to throat punch them. I went to register DS2 for K the other day and felt sick to my stomach just walking into the building. We pulled DS out in April of K on the advice of his doctors due to concern for depression and suicide. He's been two years in a really supportive private school now and he's mostly recovered though he has stress habits that will probably stick with him for life. The thing is, I'm not sure delaying a year to do public K would really have made anything better. Two years have made a world of difference in his maturity level and ability to regulate himself, but I think we would have been in the same or similar situation if we'd just started the same road last year instead of 2 years ago. The problem was the whole environment, his inability to deal with it, our not having supports in place for him, and getting no help from the school beyond in classroom accommodations from the teacher.

[Anonymous]

If the school is going to be work with you on those issues, then do it. If it's just going to be "the gift of time" I wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone ever hold a girl back? You always hear about boys being red-shirted or held back but rarely ever do you hear about girls.

We started public K late for our DD. Her birthday is in the early summer so it was either she would be one of the oldest or one of the youngest. She has severe ADHD (and now we know some learning disabilities), so she has always skewed young. I don't regret it, although she wishes she weren't the oldest in her class. Her late-to-mature brain is better served by being with slightly younger kids. It all depends on your kid, though.

[Anonymous]

One concern for me is my son is really tall and large for his age. Makes it stressful. Already people give him a hard time because they think he's 5 plus and he is a new 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS was born middle of the year so it never really crossed our minds to hold him back. He has severe ADHD and a big part has been social and emotional delays. He's bright but completely uneven academically due to his LD but holding back would weaken supports in his areas of strength and wouldn't address his LD.

But back to K ... it was disastrous. People say "yeah but they all survive K" or "it's just K" and I want to throat punch them. I went to register DS2 for K the other day and felt sick to my stomach just walking into the building. We pulled DS out in April of K on the advice of his doctors due to concern for depression and suicide. He's been two years in a really supportive private school now and he's mostly recovered though he has stress habits that will probably stick with him for life. The thing is, I'm not sure delaying a year to do public K would really have made anything better. Two years have made a world of difference in his maturity level and ability to regulate himself, but I think we would have been in the same or similar situation if we'd just started the same road last year instead of 2 years ago. The problem was the whole environment, his inability to deal with it, our not having supports in place for him, and getting no help from the school beyond in classroom accommodations from the teacher.

That sounds horrendous, I am so sorry!

[Anonymous]

Oh wow... I am one of the PPs with the ASD child. Our full story is that we actually pulled DS from K in November of this year. We didn't want to keep him back... but we put him back in pre-k. No regrets. Our K experience was almost as bad as yours. When we left in November, DS had cried nearly every day of being at school. He was withdrawn, cried on weekends about going on Monday, etc...

So, when people say not to hold back for social reasons, they must not have a child who has serious anxiety, inability to communicate with peers, sensory sensitivities or any of the other non-academic yet serious issues that impact a child in a school setting.

Since switching schools, we have had smooth sailing. DS still has ASD... don't get me wrong. He's no social butterfly... but he has space to practice social skills in a safe, calm setting without 20 other kids moving and talking around him.

I just want to sympathize and say I know from experience as well how bad K can be for a kid who is not ready to meet the expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow... I am one of the PPs with the ASD child. Our full story is that we actually pulled DS from K in November of this year. We didn't want to keep him back... but we put him back in pre-k. No regrets. Our K experience was almost as bad as yours. When we left in November, DS had cried nearly every day of being at school. He was withdrawn, cried on weekends about going on Monday, etc...

So, when people say not to hold back for social reasons, they must not have a child who has serious anxiety, inability to communicate with peers, sensory sensitivities or any of the other non-academic yet serious issues that impact a child in a school setting.

Since switching schools, we have had smooth sailing. DS still has ASD... don't get me wrong. He's no social butterfly... but he has space to practice social skills in a safe, calm setting without 20 other kids moving and talking around him.

I just want to sympathize and say I know from experience as well how bad K can be for a kid who is not ready to meet the expectations.

When I say don't hold back, it is because there are no major behavioral or identified learning issues. For ADHD and ASD, those are entirely different situations. OP is just saying developmental delays. For us, socially being with older kids was really helpful, same for the language and other delays, some of which were significant. The school setting makes a huge difference as does small class size and attentive teachers. I wouldn't have sent my kid when I did if we went public in a large classroom where he would get lost. But, we did a small private for a few years and it worked out really well. Luckily no academic issues have arisen, just continued delays which are slowly improving. My child can sit extended periods of time and other stuff, which makes the difference to send or not. We also had our child in a very structured preschool for two years to get them ready and prepared for what the day was like so it wasn't a huge change once the routine was learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS was born middle of the year so it never really crossed our minds to hold him back. He has severe ADHD and a big part has been social and emotional delays. He's bright but completely uneven academically due to his LD but holding back would weaken supports in his areas of strength and wouldn't address his LD.

But back to K ... it was disastrous. People say "yeah but they all survive K" or "it's just K" and I want to throat punch them. I went to register DS2 for K the other day and felt sick to my stomach just walking into the building. We pulled DS out in April of K on the advice of his doctors due to concern for depression and suicide. He's been two years in a really supportive private school now and he's mostly recovered though he has stress habits that will probably stick with him for life. The thing is, I'm not sure delaying a year to do public K would really have made anything better. Two years have made a world of difference in his maturity level and ability to regulate himself, but I think we would have been in the same or similar situation if we'd just started the same road last year instead of 2 years ago. The problem was the whole environment, his inability to deal with it, our not having supports in place for him, and getting no help from the school beyond in classroom accommodations from the teacher.

We went through the same hell with our child with ADHD. There were no signs we should have held him back. He really enjoyed preschool and did wonderfully there. He's academically advanced so the work was a breeze. All the teachers said there was no question he should start K on time. He started K very excited and happy and by the middle of the year he was a mess. We have spent tens of thousands on therapies to get him back to where he was before he started K but I can still see the trauma in him sometimes and my greatest fear is that what happened has scarred him for life.

[Anonymous]

I'm 14:49 with the child who was held back then skipped ahead.

I think we should talk about resiliency. Resiliency is what makes you successful in life, not great academics or some splinter skill. It comes from the coaching your mind receives, either externally from parents/therapists, or internally through self-talk when there is trauma. It is the ability to rebound from a period of high stress and failure, with optimism and hope and hopefully, lessons learned for next time.
Mary Alvord does a lot of work with resiliency, and even though we did not have the greatest experience with the practice she founded, I think the concept is a wonderfully applicable one to children with special needs.

When I look at my two children, one who had special needs from birth, the other with no issues in her life at all, I can see that my child with SN is by far the most resilient. He has clawed his way to learning to eat, walk and talk, and now he is working hard on socializing and being attuned to his environment and staying organized. He has had so many setbacks and failures, in the form of bad grades, people thinking he was stupid, being rejected, teased and bullied by his peers. His stoicism and tenacity are heartwarming. He is not afraid of failure and learning through his mistakes.
My second child on the other hand has always excelled at everything and everything has come easy. The day she fails at something will be incredibly traumatic, and she will not be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 14:49 with the child who was held back then skipped ahead.

I think we should talk about resiliency. Resiliency is what makes you successful in life, not great academics or some splinter skill. It comes from the coaching your mind receives, either externally from parents/therapists, or internally through self-talk when there is trauma. It is the ability to rebound from a period of high stress and failure, with optimism and hope and hopefully, lessons learned for next time.
Mary Alvord does a lot of work with resiliency, and even though we did not have the greatest experience with the practice she founded, I think the concept is a wonderfully applicable one to children with special needs.

When I look at my two children, one who had special needs from birth, the other with no issues in her life at all, I can see that my child with SN is by far the most resilient. He has clawed his way to learning to eat, walk and talk, and now he is working hard on socializing and being attuned to his environment and staying organized. He has had so many setbacks and failures, in the form of bad grades, people thinking he was stupid, being rejected, teased and bullied by his peers. His stoicism and tenacity are heartwarming. He is not afraid of failure and learning through his mistakes.
My second child on the other hand has always excelled at everything and everything has come easy. The day she fails at something will be incredibly traumatic, and she will not be prepared.

We held back and skipped so there are at least two of us. I think this is a great approach and fits our situation as well. How you described your child is similar to mine. He's struggled as you have said and I love he is willing to try and learn through his mistakes, which is something I wish I could do. He's been through a lot in a few years and somehow still manages to be happy, great kid.

[Anonymous]

I've thought a lot about resiliency recently, too. Knowing what my SN child has been through and how he's coming back swinging each time I have a lot of confidence he will be successful in the future. The thing I worry about is will he be happy?

Resiliency and happiness don't always go together. I would give up the former if I could spare DS some of the pain he's experienced over the years.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have a 5 year old, very tall DC and are holding back for another year of pre-k. The PP who wrote about inability to communicate socially with peers and getting lost in a crowd of 20 plus kids is exactly why we are holding a year. And the other PP who wrote that you shouldn't hold back just for the 'gift of time'..I disagree. Sometimes time is all a child needs to mature andbe more ready to cope with the pressures of K.

[Anonymous]

If we had our choice and there were no bullies in the world, and if he really wouldn't be damaged emotionally the way they are warning he would be, we would not only keep him from moving on to 6th grade this year but would possibly put him back in 4th. He just doesn't get it and can't do 4th or 5th grade math or ELA yet. Tiny for his age, too.

[Anonymous]

(same poster as above) - they told us if he stayed in 5th, he will drop out when he's in 11th when he turns 18. *sigh* If he could just quit right now and go work for a video game designing company, that'd be great. Unfortunately....

[Anonymous]

I think it can beneficial if the year closes the gap but for most kids with disabilities, it simply doesn't. We didn't hold back because our son seemed ready to go. A few months into K it became clear something was very wrong with his fine motor (interestingly, not flagged by his preschool teacher). He was diagnosed with a significant weakness in his right hand that made writing extremely difficult. An LD turned up a year later. It was rocky for a few years but it would have been rocky even if he were a grade behind. Now that he's in MS, i can say we have zero regrets that we sent him on time. His fine motor is far below age level expectations. If he were in the grade behind, his handwriting and art work would still not be even close to on par with his classmates. My 2nd grader has already surpassed him. The LD is mostly remediated. He earns good grades and his teachers have always complemented his behavior and maturity. He is advanced in many academic areas. He has always had many friends, been successful in athletics, etc. An extra year simply wouldn't have fixed any of his issues.