MIL's erratic generosity making it hard to plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

You are just as entitled as he is. If MIL wants to, she can open her own 529 and get the tax benefits. You do not need to spell out how much college costs for your child. It is YOUR responsibility not hers. Anything she chooses to do is a bonus. You sound like you are purposely setting things up to create issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

You are the one who is worse than your DH. You are counting on her money TOO. Wow, you are a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get marriage counseling, OP. MIL's money is only a symptom of bigger issues here.

OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

You are the one who is worse than your DH. You are counting on her money TOO. Wow, you are a piece of work.

Calm down. MIL has said repeatedly that she wants to help pay for college, and DH has said she does too. I am not going to ask her for any money - I am just going to tell her what my plan and goal is, and she can contribute if she wants to. I honestly don't care if she doesn't and would actually prefer at this point if she never gave us anything. The dilemma is DH believing that we don't have to save anything. I somehow have to get *him* to focus, and it would be much easier if MIL just told us what she planned to do. If she wants to spend all money on herself that is 100% fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

Maybe she is organized about what she wants but just doesn't feel the need to share the information. It is pretty common for older folks to not talk finances. You haven't mentioned retirement but you should be maxing that put before saving for college. From my experience, when there is family money it can easily come and go. You two have big issues. His mother's money won't be part of your marital property. You need to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

Maybe she is organized about what she wants but just doesn't feel the need to share the information. It is pretty common for older folks to not talk finances. You haven't mentioned retirement but you should be maxing that put before saving for college. From my experience, when there is family money it can easily come and go. You two have big issues. His mother's money won't be part of your marital property. You need to protect yourself.

yep, I am maxing out like crazy. DH is not. He basically refuses to save for any reason b/c he believes in his inheritance.

[Anonymous]

You should pretend her money isn't there and when she surprises you with a gift or help just be thankful.m and then you go back to your financial advisor and reallocate when you had been saving.

[Anonymous]

Greedy Gretchen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should pretend her money isn't there and when she surprises you with a gift or help just be thankful.m and then you go back to your financial advisor and reallocate when you had been saving.

So give up on DH saving at all? I guess I have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Greedy Gretchen

No I actually wish she had never gotten involved in my financial life at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Greedy Gretchen

No I actually wish she had never gotten involved in my financial life at all.

Actually, you need professional help if you wish to preserve your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

You are the one who is worse than your DH. You are counting on her money TOO. Wow, you are a piece of work.

Calm down. MIL has said repeatedly that she wants to help pay for college, and DH has said she does too. I am not going to ask her for any money - I am just going to tell her what my plan and goal is, and she can contribute if she wants to. I honestly don't care if she doesn't and would actually prefer at this point if she never gave us anything. The dilemma is DH believing that we don't have to save anything. I somehow have to get *him* to focus, and it would be much easier if MIL just told us what she planned to do. If she wants to spend all money on herself that is 100% fine with me.

She doesn't need to know your plan. You save independently and if she is interested, she can ask, then you tell her. Its not ok with you if she spends the money on herself as you are also expecting a large payout for college and other things. You are just like your husband, if not worse.

[Anonymous]

Are you saving money for your future DIL yet? Why not? Don't you have plans? Aren't you organized enough?

[Anonymous]

Even if "Mom will pay for retirement," you're still leaving a lot of money on the table by not taking advantage of the tax benefits of retirement savings accounts. Saving in 401ks, etc... isn't just a matter of planning, it's actually financially advantageous compared to relying on money that's not in those accounts. Maybe DH will listen to this argument for free money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should pretend her money isn't there and when she surprises you with a gift or help just be thankful.m and then you go back to your financial advisor and reallocate when you had been saving.

So give up on DH saving at all? I guess I have to.

No, you get marriage counseling to work on how to set joint goals and accomplish them. You need to forget about your MIL's money and hope that theiugh marriage counseling or financial counseling, you can get your husband on board too