MIL's erratic generosity making it hard to plan

[Anonymous]

I am lucky enough to have a very generous MIL but it is making it hard to plan financially. MIL has helped us out enormously with car and house purchases and other generous gifts like vacations. She herself is extremely frugal and built up her wealth through very hard work and thrift. But she is very cagegy about what she actually has and making definite plans - and as a result I have no clue really if she has millions or just a decent nest egg that will not outlast her. The complication is that her supposed wealth and her demonstrated generosity mean that my DH refuses to engage in financial planning for his own retirement or college savings because he believes "mom will pay for it." Thankfully my own retirement is on track and I can't worry about DHs because there is nothing I can do about his. But I am very worried about college. Despite my MILs overall thriftiness she does not seem to really make big fiancial decisions very reasonably - she has said several times for example that she believes we shouldn't save for college because DS will not get financial aid if we do ...

To be clear, I don't think MIL owes me or my DS anything. But my DH's possibly misplaced reliance on her bailing him out means that DH basically refuses to take part in any planning for college savings. He also refuses to sit down and talk to his mother about it.

So this basically leaves me with 2 options: talk to MIL myself (fraught) or just unilaterally save on my own for DS's college and hope for the best. Meanwhile DH will be putting the money he should be saving for college into discretionary things like vacations and his own hobbies. Which I doubt I will be able to stand.

Help?

[Anonymous]

Get marriage counseling, OP. MIL's money is only a symptom of bigger issues here.

[Anonymous]

Target to save for 1/2 or the expense, or 1/4 , or something. Save something so you feel better. Control is what's important. You don't feel you have any control. Open your own savings/investment account for the intended purpose of saving - something - for college. This is your private matter.

[Anonymous]

live your life with your money.

[Anonymous]

Get a baby sitter and go out somewhere to talk about finances. I find it easier if I do not have the kid around and house distractions to have this conversation.

How do you as a family manage money? Who pays mortgage, childcare, utilities, bills for misc household items? College savings and retirement is another of the items that is a joint expense.

If his attitude is he has it covered b/c of mom, I would say that I need to see the plan with the actual accounts and balances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:live your life with your money.

So what should she do if they're still married when they're retired? Make him live on the streets because she's the only one who saved? Make him eat dog food because he doesn't have any savings? This makes no sense. Couples have to financially plan together - even if they keep things separate.

[Anonymous]

This is a perfect example of how parents can ruin their child. OP your DH is severely damaged and this may ruin your marriage since he doesn't see it. Try counseling but admit that you gladly accepted her generosity which only added to the problem. This isn't all about him.

[Anonymous]

I feel it is inappropriate to blame MIL's "erratic generosity" for your problems. Your issue is your own DH's lack of planning, not your MIL. Address that instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel it is inappropriate to blame MIL's "erratic generosity" for your problems. Your issue is your own DH's lack of planning, not your MIL. Address that instead.[/quote

+1million. Husband is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refuses to engage in financial planning for his own retirement or college savings because he believes "mom will pay for it."

Of course you're right not to assume DH will come into money. As I'm sure you know, there could be less than he thinks, or she may need it to pay for medical issues, or she might remarry and be swindled out of money. But it could sound aggressive to DH if you give these examples.

I'd be inclined to say something like this--that you know his mom has been very generous, and that you want to guarantee that you and he can continue that tradition of generosity down the generations. Then have a one-off meeting with a financial planner, who can help you get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Maybe DH knows Mom is loaded and not worried. Ask him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe DH knows Mom is loaded and not worried. Ask him.

But it's her money, not his. There are lots of cases of loaded parents who make bad decisions or end up with less than they thought they'd have. Others are "unreliable" and make last-minute decisions to disown their kids and to give their money to charity or to their dogs. Others remarry and then die, leaving their money to their new spouse. There are a million ways that things end up differently than the kids may have thought.

And even if everything goes "right" for the DH, OP doesn't sound comfortable sitting around, waiting for the old lady to either die or dole out a little money to them. What an awful way to live! If OP and her DH save money, the worst that can happen is that they end up with too much money!

(By the way, OP, if you do end up with "too much money," I hope you and your DH will be able to break the cycle of financial dependence with your own kids. Not that you shouldn't share the wealth with them, but clearly this particular dynamic of uncertainty is unsustainable.)

[Anonymous]

OP, MIL could need long term care and even with a million or more could easily burn through it. Husband is selfish and the issue is with him and not MIL. He needs to change, not her.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Yes, everyone is right that this is a DH problem. At the same time it just flummoxes me that MIL is not more organized and goal oriented about what she wants to accomplish with her money. (Which if all she wanted was to keep it, would be fine with me.)

I think what I have to do is open up the 529 and start contributing myself, and every time DH proposes an extra joint expense like a vacation tell him we can't afford it. I will also have a conversation with MIL and give her the 529 information and leave it up to her if she wants to contribute. I think I also have to spell out for her what college expenses realistically are these days because she has no idea!

OMG you sound greedy. Did she ask for the 529 account info? Did she say she wanted to contribute? College is your problem, not hers. Why do you have to spell it out to her?